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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on January 21, 2019 at 6:07am

Joe,

What a beautiful picture of you and your wife and your gravestones will hold both your bodies but you souls will be united in another realm.

Morgan, 

You will be in thoughts my tomorrow as you try to make it through the day.

Nancy,

Thanks. 

Comment by morgan on January 20, 2019 at 6:26pm

This website is like a secret world we inhabit where the platitudes and scorn for not fitting in are understood as hogwash.  We know better than anyone on the outside of our grief how this has affected us.  I am so tired of being labeled as exhibiting depression.  What the hay?  I don't even have a response for people (or doctors) who want to stack me onto that pile.  Call it what they might I know what has happened to me.  And it was a complete 180 from who I was to who I am and it happened in a split second and has never reversed.  I'm smart enough to know grief didnt make me stupid........nor can I label it depression.  I had to render my soul to the universe.  It is gone and until I go,  there is no getting it back.  I left it on the threshold I am unable to see, hear or cross.  It is maddening.  It complicates my life on a daily basis because I no longer SHARE my life.  I live in a fog that clears enough for me to appear to others real but inside it is all surreal.  The meltdowns can be short and treacherous and they most definitely have changed their manifestation over the years.  

I too lost weight and nothing I do is grounded anymore.  Not sleep, not eating, not memory......The waves hit me when they damn well feel like it and as for control I gave up thinking I have any.  When I have a meltdown in consumes me and I can feel the leftovers in my eyes for hours later.  

Yes, we are all trying to find ways to cope.  And thats all it is.  Coping.  Some hours are better than others but none of them are great.  Not like they used to be.  I lived life with an intensity before.  It was all in technicolor.  Now its vanilla to grey.  I guess I am surprised in one way that it hit me this hard as I was told by others for so much of my life how strong I was.  And I felt pretty strong too.  Now, I am a puddle most often with little energy to dry out and wipe myself off the floor (just an analogy*).  

Tomorrow will be six years.  I'd be fine if I didnt last another six days. ........I wish........

 

Comment by Nancy on January 20, 2019 at 4:28pm

Lovely pictures everyone.   Thank you for sharing.   I am in the same boat.  I just exist.   

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 20, 2019 at 10:33am

Morgan & Joe,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You put into words the horror I go through everyday. Going on year 7 without my Husband Julian. He was my whole life and I want to be with him but I can't. If I didn't believe in God I would have taken my own life but I will not take a chance of not joining him in Heaven. So I have accepted that I have to live in this Hell until he is ready for me.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 20, 2019 at 10:26am

Morgan & Joe.

Thanks again for posting your thoughts. You both made comments I can totally agree with. If fact, both of you put my daily agony into words. This year will be the 7th year since I lost my Julian and I feel nothing inside of me except not be with him. Seeing I do believe in God, I will not take my own life as God is in charge of taking it and I fear I won't see Julian if I do it. So I just live out my life in this Hell until it is time.

 

Comment by morgan on January 20, 2019 at 1:26am

Joe, 49 years is a long time.  Long enough to embed yourself in each other and there is nothing that will soothe the tearing apart of that union.  I knew my husband for 55 (since 2nd grade) and we were together for 35.  Long story.....it was destined to be....but only into eternity will it be long enough for me.  

I am trying to stay so busy that I can make it through Monday and not end up in a heap.  This will be the six year mark.  I remember the one year mark quite vividly.  I was a basket case.  This will not be easy on you.  

I know too well how going into certain stores is a trigger.  Yet for me no matter where I went for about three years I would just break down.  Didn't matter where I was.  The rush of his essence was constantly overwhelming me.  I am blocking it better now.  But the crying has taken a huge toll on my immune system and I can only hope it will result in something that will take me quickly and sooner.  I just turned 67 and I have no desire to live anymore.  That I have made it this long is only a testament to the good health I had before my beloved died.  Too holistic for my own good.

I have shrines all over my house with my husbands pictures.  I spent days in the first year printing and framing them.  I don't have too many so I treasure the ones I have.  We were never big picture takers.  I can feel how he was feeling at the moment each of those pictures was captured though.  Some people think it is not good for me to have them around me and I just laugh at them.  I need to see him even if it is in a frame.

I have moved through many phases in this grieving from utter dismemberment to a place of hatred of life.  I isolate myself as much as possible and try reaching out to a few people I know periodically but I prefer the silence of being alone.  That way I can spend my time listening to videos on the cosmos, and consciousness and things that I can research about energy and what the hell happened to him.  Where is he?  I want to know and I know that is impossible.  So I have to go on the only thing I have.......pure gut feeling.  

Monday will be a shit day no matter how it turns out.  I can never anticipate how any day is going to affect me because on January 11th (the day I brought him home from the hospital) was just horrendous this year.  I lived every moment in my mind like I was living it in 2013.  Took me two days to recover.  I exhaust myself crying and my brain goes to mush.    

I can't even give much advice as to what this is like anymore because it changes from moment to moment,  day to day, year to year.  Its why I say I am so tired.  

Days are groundhog days......you just numb yourself to the landmines that go off after awhile when you finally realize this is your normal.  You  accept that nothing will be better.  As much as it might look good to others, inside we are all broken individuals slogging along anxious to die.  Its just too bad suicide has such a bad rap.  I would much prefer it to the hell I live on a day to day basis........

Comment by morgan on January 19, 2019 at 1:37pm

Lets be honest. Death sucks. As I read the posts on here and I see how we struggle when we lose someone to death it boggles the mind how any of us keep moving. I keep saying to myself there is something I can do to make myself feel better and it never comes. I function better, I don't feel better. I am not hopeless I am empty. I fill my life with distractions. Meaningless, frivolous distractions or I fake it in front of people and pretend I am better than I am. Then I look at myself and cry because I know what a fraud I am to pretend.
At the time it makes sense because I want to push myself to participate. I've been doing that for what seems an eternity. Pushing myself. And some of the early stress right after my husband died has worn down. But then so have I. I get tired and much of the time I just don't motivate. And yet I look at how much I have done and it is more than most people might do if they weren't coping with the grief of losing their beloved.
I read through some of the letters, notes, messages to myself etc that I have written over the years and alot of it still is the same. Same feelings.
I don't know what to say anymore other than death sucks if you are the person left behind and yet for some reason our mortal bodies haven't aligned with the slot where the universe will take us to rejoin the energy that surrounds us. We call it the universe. The light. And I'm ready.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 13, 2019 at 7:12am

Joe,

I did have a sign from Husband right after his death and to this day it was the only one. I am so happy for you.

Morgan, I just can't believe that every time you post it mirrors my exact thoughts, maybe our Husbands are both trying to keep us afloat until we join them.

Comment by morgan on January 12, 2019 at 8:57pm

Havent had enough energy to respond to the latest entries from Joe but find each one to be inspirational as well as challenging me to try and dig deeper to alleviate the pain of missing my husband.
Not as easy as it sounds. I too have struggled mightily with the absence of a very physical relationship which results in a constant visceral reaction to many things that might for others not matter. Over the years I have had what I might consider signs from my husband at times when the pain got unbearable or I was just so beyond the pale of trying to cope from day to day. Sort of like the light flickers. Ones that were pretty hard to discount. But are they enough to keep me afloat so I don’t fall into my hole on a regular basis. Unfortunately no. And trust me I have done everything possible to persuade, cajole and encourage myself and succeeded for part of the time otherwise I would have been dead by now. But the universe has decided for me that my own light is still not able to align with the firelight of my husband and join him where he is. Why? If I had the answer my burden would be lifted. Instead I find myself in a position where I don’t want to stay but cant go either. In a place where the ongoing battles will never win the war.
I loved, I laughed, I gave, I took, I caressed, I was caressed. Unconditionally and what I can hope will be eternally. I need to believe that and I do. Its just I have a hard time waiting for the transition to the next dimension. I am ready. I am so ready. I am losing patience but I will finish a few more things I see as necessary and then look again at how resilient I can manage to be with the signs he sends me. All the while knowing he keeps trying to let me know he is with me but how hard it is to hold onto such an ephemeral phenomena.

Comment by Nancy on January 12, 2019 at 2:58pm

Love this Joe!

 

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Linda Engberg commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Hi Dream Moon, I hate the big C also."
11 hours ago
Georgette Benson added a discussion to the group "Till death do us part", a letter to my husband
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Widow as a newlywed

When i got married March 25th 2019 was one of the Best days of my life i was marrying the man of my Dreams,My best friend,My soul mate. Even though it was one of the happiest day of my life but it was also a sad day.Because i was marrying the man of my Dreams knowing that i only had a little time left with him. He was diagnosed in December of 2018 of stage 4 lung and kidney cancer that day was one of the worst days of our lives. I thought but when the time came and he took his last breath that…See More
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Georgette Benson replied to heathert's discussion a letter to my king in the group "Till death do us part", a letter to my husband
"My condolences i know your pain all so well. I just lost my husband 7/9/2019 to cancer an im exactly where you are with my grief."
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Georgette Benson joined Debbie's group
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"Till death do us part", a letter to my husband

How do I begin to thank you for the life you have given me. A life that included 4 loving children, 4 beautiful grandchildren and memories that will last forever.We had more then the romantic love we had when we first met almost 40 years ago. That fades with time. Through the ups and downs, fights and reconciliations, laughter and tears we had something more. We had true love, commitment, trust, and most importantly we had friendship. Since 1975 we have been together to celebrate every…See More
21 hours ago
dream moon JO B replied to dream moon JO B's discussion mad at god
"i no i get wk mometns ido but trynin 2 stayy strongg is not is a eayss thng 3 fo o iyd oy "
23 hours ago
dream moon JO B replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"so sorry on yore loss u can olnly do it wen u reddyy i no i had a loto of set bacs i di d but we all difnro peplee we is i no in 2018 i fondmy slf goin 2 spirtlastt churchh for ansesrd in steds of try  to seak medims lk a fe wpeplee do on…"
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dream moon JO B commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"i hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bigc i hateeeeeeeeeeeeee lozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz coz of big c im 44 sean somushh siffin sorry if im rantin justt i need 2 let go coz of big c lpluss othr illness 2 i do "
23 hours ago
dream moon JO B commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"i do not luv bigc now iv fw mro frinds its got termil big c sum few yrs oldr thnme just undr 50  few peppel weari livs gotbig c' wish i cud shoot big c lk dem/ALZ in to md of nowear sp no 1 cud get it'"
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"I lost my brother in-law who really was my brother for 39 years 9 weeks ago tragically and suddenly on his holidays while kite surfing"
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Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bless you Morgan.  You say it all."
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan Thanks for sharing how you cope without your Husband.  You put into words what I cannot express. "
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Dolly commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Do we ever stop having those days that seem just like the day it all happened? when nothing else seems real and all we feel is the pain again? does it ever just not happen any more? "
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Part 2Linda, yes and yes, I "laugh on the outside and cry on the inside".  And the laugh (or just plain conversation) is just part of how I cope for when I have to be around others.  But it means nothing.  It’s like we…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Part 1 Bless you and thanks to each one of you who keep writing about how you feel and how you cope.  I always feel support knowing I am not alone.  What I don't get (and not that any one of us can give it) is the answer to how I can…"
Monday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"It's a Catch 22, impossible to solve.  I accept Her body isn't alive anymore, but I HAVE TO HAVE HER BODY ALIVE AND STILL WITH ME and I want that to be forever.  I know that's impossible, but I STILL HAVE TO HAVE IT!!! …"
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Teresa D. commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Connie I'm sorry but just know your words do stay in my head. Keven's mom...I'm so sorry that phone came.  There's nothing I can say or do to make this easier on you.  Just know we know exactly how you feel.  Your…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello Friends, As all of you have stated, I too fake my happiness. I laugh on the outside and am crying for him on the inside. I ache so bad that my Julian is not in my life. I just don't understand why God won't take me. Until he does, I…"
Monday

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