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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Monty on December 20, 2018 at 4:18pm

Hi Linda

That image is so poignant for this time of year and i think how most of us feel.

After my first anniversary yesterday, it was fine in the morning but in the afternoon it was quiet rough.

I'm hoping for a better day today, although not holding my breath, as I'm surrounded by teachers today who are celebrating christmas and the last day of term.

I'm going to have a sore tongue tomorrow from biting it today.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 20, 2018 at 3:16pm

Hi Morgan,

Well said. "We crawl through the season while others celebrate" After six Christmases without my Julian I know deep down inside that nobody gives a Shit except this forum. 

Comment by morgan on December 20, 2018 at 2:38pm

Yes, Linda,  I am trying my best to avoid the triggers that surround me right now but I know what this is going to be like.  Xmas Eve day I took my husband to the ER because he was filling sick and the day after Xmas we got his diagnosis of stage 4 cancer   He lasted 27 days.  

I am sending my sincere wishes that those of us who don't want to be here on earth without our spouses find a way to crawl through the season while others celebrate.  I plan to hide.

morgan

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 20, 2018 at 7:07am

I find myself sinking into a hole as Christmas Day is nearing. I am broken like this ornament I can never be put back together again.

Comment by Monty on December 19, 2018 at 4:07pm

Hi M Adams

christmas is  a hard one. i think ill try and again to get some safety glasses and some nerf guns.

last year that seemed to work ok.  couple drinks for the adults and let the kids shoot us and miss them mostly, it was a big hit.

also

some slapstick comedy (home alone , pink panther, grumpy old men and dennis the menace .. ect)

possibly even some youtube of robin williams

thats always uplifting.

apart from spending to much on presents for the kids..  i think it will be a small gathering.

I'm asking myself these days ..  how doe this (insert action / idea) improve my life as a career / father / man this seems to be helping a little to ensure that i maximise my spending in what is a very expensive time.

I've also looking at some websites.  

some of the websites may bee good for some people and or may have already seen them

https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/loss-grief-and-manliness-wh...

https://www.opentohope.com

i help every has the best day they can.

Comment by M Adams on December 19, 2018 at 12:42pm

Monty, that is so true about the unforeseen sensitivity — so many things, words, places, thoughts are really painful now, makes it very tempting to withdraw.  It’s not that I blame other people much, it is basically impossible for anyone outside the bereavement to imagine all the ways life can be traumatic now.  For a while after my husband died I kept accidentally driving to the hospital, then suddenly realizing where I was going and getting very upset behind the wheel.  I still avoid lots of places to avoid the pain and public tears, but you can’t really succeed.  There’s a tailor in our neighbourhood where I always wanted to get my husband a handmade suit — one of those things where you wonder why you put it off.  Now I try not to walk by that corner, but sometimes I forget.  

Have you come up with ideas to enhance your experience this Christmas? I’m still struggling.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 19, 2018 at 6:37am

Hello Friends,

Thank you all for sharing you thoughts. yesterday morning I was talking with my neighbor outside about our Husbands. I looked up at the sky and there was a small rainbow, there were no clouds just a clear blue sky. I know it was a sign from him. Joe, the quote you give is exactly what I tell everyone, it is engraved on my body.  

Comment by Monty on December 18, 2018 at 6:20pm

Corinne

i too am struggling with peoples expectations of me who mean well but ultimately they expectations do not enhance my life at all.

i am trying to focus only on things that enhance my life or the life of my loved ones (children / immediate family).

it is hard to remain focused on positive things when you are so sensitive to things that exacerbate your existing pain and trauma.

i wish you the best day you can have.

Warm regards Monty

Comment by Corinne C. Rico on December 18, 2018 at 4:25pm

I don't comment often but I do read many of the posts.  What I am finding particularly difficult after only losing the love of my life of 18 years back in September, is how people can compare the loss of a spouse to a a family member.  Do they not understand that you can't chose your family but our spouses are the ones that we chose and hoped to be with until we were old together?  Not to say that a family member loss is not meaningful, I am not saying that at all.  Its just different.  I also lost my Dad back in 2008, do I miss hime?  Of course I do I loved chatting with him.  I am blessed to still have my Mom and my sisblings but the relationship is entirely different.  The intimacy we had with our spouses is what we miss the most, the friendship, doing things together.  I have been crying for two days just thinking of how supportive he was in the delivery room when I gave birth to our daughter 15 years ago.  I will be honest, I am getting angry and resentful when people already after only 4 months are wondering why am I not better?  Are they kidding?  Every day is a fresh new hell for me without him being around.  I DO manage to DO things but not because I want to or have any desire to do them, but because I have no other choice.  Every morning I lay in bed not wanting to open my eyes or get up simply because I know he is not there.  I roll over in the middle of the night, put my hand out and the other side of the bed is cold and empty.  You all know what I am saying.  I am a pretty tough cookie of a woman but this has brought me to my knees.  I have never ever experienced such a void or emptiness in my life.  And these people in my life just don't get it.  I find it so offensive when they offer me stupid patronizing platitudes like oh sweetie, its just gonna take a bit of time.  For who?  Them?  Because my being ok again is going to make them ok?  Sigh, sorry, I needed to vent and this is the only place where I feel I am actually being heard and understood.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 18, 2018 at 4:10pm

One week to Christmas and I could care less without my beloved Husband Julian. It's just another day. In fact each day is the same as the next. Missing the love of my life. I am NOTHING without him. The attached is the last Christmas picture of him in 2013. He was there when I crossed the finish line in a 5K run on Christmas Eve. I am sograteful to have such a wonderful Husband.

 

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Latest Activity

Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Happy Father's Day to my Husband Julian in Heaven. I miss you so much."
yesterday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I started to compose a blow by blow sequence of events of my loves illness and passing but it became too painful and couldn't continue.  Here we share how we are feeling grieving our lost Loves.  In reality, most of my underlying…"
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"No matter how we express our thoughts, we are all in the same boat together. We just keep waiting for it to sink so we can join our loved ones."
Saturday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"M Adams, I totally understand; I detest being around happy families, and especially happy couples. It's not that I want anything bad to happen to them, I definitely do not. It's just that they have what my beloved and I should still have,…"
Saturday
M Adams commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"usually I find your comments really clear, Linda, so I don’t think it’s not being good with words, more that it’s hard to express these things in words.  Actually I couldn’t follow what Joe said either, but it’s…"
Saturday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello M Adams Joe explained in his post of how I feel. I am not good with words on explaining things but Joe you said it perfectly. I just want to thank everyone here for sharing their thoughts, as we are all in the same boat together."
Saturday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Speaking for myself, I identify with Linda.  My Love left our world and I know it, and accept that she crossed over into another realm of existence and can't come back.  I want her back and I live in HELL every day without her. …"
Saturday
M Adams commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, not sure what you mean here when you say you can accept the loss of your husband but not being able to change it is your whole problem — do you mean not being able to change the fact of the loss, or not being able to change the way it…"
Friday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, Like you mentioned in your post, there is no normal in my life. I just take each day as it comes and just wait for death. I can accept that Julian is gone but not being able to change it is my whole problem."
Friday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Haven't been writing recently as have had so much to organize in my life I just haven't had a moment and when I do I am so tired.  So grateful to everyone else who continues to write though.  I look here daily to read.…"
Friday
mindy posted a status
"Hello everyone I'm doing ok I went back to work and just had my meeting there today they said I'm doing an awesome job"
Thursday
mindy and Brenda Ann are now friends
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"They told me that Mom had a heart attack.  It happened on the weekend.  I had made her breakfast & she seemed fine.  I am thankful she was at home & that I was with her, but it hurts so much knowing she is gone.  I just…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I was with my mom when she passed and it was not sudden. I may have thought I was prepared. I wasn't. I tried to say and do all of the right things. Still, after her last breath, it was as though I hadn't prepared at all. I knew what to…"
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks so much!  It helps having others that understand.  Some of my family is supportive & that helps.  It helps just having someone listen that truly understands.  I have one sibling, but he was never as close to my…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It's important to have people in your life who understand, even if they are on a message board like this, because sometimes you have to look far and wide to find someone to walk with you. Sometimes I will call my mom's sister. She will…"
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thank you, some days are better than others.  I feel so for you.  My Mom was the center of my world also.  I lived with her & took care of her.  I am so thankful that I could be there for her, but now I miss her so…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Three months is not very long. It is still very fresh for you. There will be a lot of triggers. Sometimes they will hit you out of the blue. Other times you know that one is coming, like if you have to drive by a familiar place. It's important…"
Thursday
Patrick E Woodson posted a status
"Hello everyone. I lost my best friend two weeks ago. I'm constantly crying feeling like I can't go on."
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I never cried much before, but I do now.  I think crying does help.  I had a trigger this morning & have been crying since.  It has been over three months, but I still feel numb.  "
Thursday

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