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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Trina Mamoon on January 29, 2019 at 10:34am
Joe,
I am so very sorry to hear about your daughter. I am sending prayers for her healing and for your strength. Hang in there!
Peace, Trina
Comment by Linda Engberg on January 29, 2019 at 6:11am

Joe,

I will say a prayer for your daughter and you that everything turns out ok.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 24, 2019 at 6:27am

Monty,

Is so good that you family supports you. When my Husband died, my two sisters flew from Michigan to be with me. Thank God for them or I doing think I would be here today.

Comment by Monty on January 23, 2019 at 4:36pm

Hi All

I hope everyone has survived the holiday season and has a good of a time as they can.

Carol passed in December 20th 2017.

Even though this was the second Christmas that Carol wasn't here for it feels a bit like the fist.

She passed so closely to Christmas in 2017 I believe now that I was honestly just in shock and at the time it was all I could do to keep upright and not fall down. 

So this year was a planned event. small Christmas with my Dad, Carols mother (who thankfully has been a godsend in the amount of time and assistance she has been to me and the boys) a couple of close friends and the boys.

A small Christmas lunch and a few drinks followed by present unwrapping.
I likely spent too much on presents for people but oh well.

And as part of the presents, there were presents for player 1 thought to player 4 ( nerf guns) and 8 pairs of safety glasses.

We then proceeded to shot each other with nerf guns and giggle and laugh (over exaggerate when the kids got the adults) and for a few hours, we managed to fill the house with joy and laughter.

in 2018 I have managed to complete some big-ticket items (financial things, (Department of Social services) caring services for the boys and managed to mostly get a routine in place.  

There is now a sort of normal in the house most days.

I've done a full year back at work and am still alive, and haven't been fired :).

so.. in 2019 I have a couple of final left over tasks to complete and then to set some new tasks.

I need to look after myself (and last year between being sick and busier than a fly near a garbage dump) haven't really looked after myself.

my goals this year are.

1.  try and find some life balance between. working, being the sole career for the boys and being a healthy me

2.  do some work on the house.  paint some rooms (boys will help me paint their own) in a light fresh and where appropriate, a cheery scheme

3. try and find some fun/joy..   my life has been and sometimes continues to be so busy that I don't seem to do much that I enjoy when I'm not busy I just tend to fill time I need to find something to enjoy.  

anyway, that's my goals for this year, last year I survived, this year I plan to do better.

Kindest regards to all

Monty

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 21, 2019 at 6:07am

Joe,

What a beautiful picture of you and your wife and your gravestones will hold both your bodies but you souls will be united in another realm.

Morgan, 

You will be in thoughts my tomorrow as you try to make it through the day.

Nancy,

Thanks. 

Comment by morgan on January 20, 2019 at 6:26pm

This website is like a secret world we inhabit where the platitudes and scorn for not fitting in are understood as hogwash.  We know better than anyone on the outside of our grief how this has affected us.  I am so tired of being labeled as exhibiting depression.  What the hay?  I don't even have a response for people (or doctors) who want to stack me onto that pile.  Call it what they might I know what has happened to me.  And it was a complete 180 from who I was to who I am and it happened in a split second and has never reversed.  I'm smart enough to know grief didnt make me stupid........nor can I label it depression.  I had to render my soul to the universe.  It is gone and until I go,  there is no getting it back.  I left it on the threshold I am unable to see, hear or cross.  It is maddening.  It complicates my life on a daily basis because I no longer SHARE my life.  I live in a fog that clears enough for me to appear to others real but inside it is all surreal.  The meltdowns can be short and treacherous and they most definitely have changed their manifestation over the years.  

I too lost weight and nothing I do is grounded anymore.  Not sleep, not eating, not memory......The waves hit me when they damn well feel like it and as for control I gave up thinking I have any.  When I have a meltdown in consumes me and I can feel the leftovers in my eyes for hours later.  

Yes, we are all trying to find ways to cope.  And thats all it is.  Coping.  Some hours are better than others but none of them are great.  Not like they used to be.  I lived life with an intensity before.  It was all in technicolor.  Now its vanilla to grey.  I guess I am surprised in one way that it hit me this hard as I was told by others for so much of my life how strong I was.  And I felt pretty strong too.  Now, I am a puddle most often with little energy to dry out and wipe myself off the floor (just an analogy*).  

Tomorrow will be six years.  I'd be fine if I didnt last another six days. ........I wish........

 

Comment by Nancy on January 20, 2019 at 4:28pm

Lovely pictures everyone.   Thank you for sharing.   I am in the same boat.  I just exist.   

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 20, 2019 at 10:33am

Morgan & Joe,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You put into words the horror I go through everyday. Going on year 7 without my Husband Julian. He was my whole life and I want to be with him but I can't. If I didn't believe in God I would have taken my own life but I will not take a chance of not joining him in Heaven. So I have accepted that I have to live in this Hell until he is ready for me.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 20, 2019 at 10:26am

Morgan & Joe.

Thanks again for posting your thoughts. You both made comments I can totally agree with. If fact, both of you put my daily agony into words. This year will be the 7th year since I lost my Julian and I feel nothing inside of me except not be with him. Seeing I do believe in God, I will not take my own life as God is in charge of taking it and I fear I won't see Julian if I do it. So I just live out my life in this Hell until it is time.

 

Comment by morgan on January 20, 2019 at 1:26am

Joe, 49 years is a long time.  Long enough to embed yourself in each other and there is nothing that will soothe the tearing apart of that union.  I knew my husband for 55 (since 2nd grade) and we were together for 35.  Long story.....it was destined to be....but only into eternity will it be long enough for me.  

I am trying to stay so busy that I can make it through Monday and not end up in a heap.  This will be the six year mark.  I remember the one year mark quite vividly.  I was a basket case.  This will not be easy on you.  

I know too well how going into certain stores is a trigger.  Yet for me no matter where I went for about three years I would just break down.  Didn't matter where I was.  The rush of his essence was constantly overwhelming me.  I am blocking it better now.  But the crying has taken a huge toll on my immune system and I can only hope it will result in something that will take me quickly and sooner.  I just turned 67 and I have no desire to live anymore.  That I have made it this long is only a testament to the good health I had before my beloved died.  Too holistic for my own good.

I have shrines all over my house with my husbands pictures.  I spent days in the first year printing and framing them.  I don't have too many so I treasure the ones I have.  We were never big picture takers.  I can feel how he was feeling at the moment each of those pictures was captured though.  Some people think it is not good for me to have them around me and I just laugh at them.  I need to see him even if it is in a frame.

I have moved through many phases in this grieving from utter dismemberment to a place of hatred of life.  I isolate myself as much as possible and try reaching out to a few people I know periodically but I prefer the silence of being alone.  That way I can spend my time listening to videos on the cosmos, and consciousness and things that I can research about energy and what the hell happened to him.  Where is he?  I want to know and I know that is impossible.  So I have to go on the only thing I have.......pure gut feeling.  

Monday will be a shit day no matter how it turns out.  I can never anticipate how any day is going to affect me because on January 11th (the day I brought him home from the hospital) was just horrendous this year.  I lived every moment in my mind like I was living it in 2013.  Took me two days to recover.  I exhaust myself crying and my brain goes to mush.    

I can't even give much advice as to what this is like anymore because it changes from moment to moment,  day to day, year to year.  Its why I say I am so tired.  

Days are groundhog days......you just numb yourself to the landmines that go off after awhile when you finally realize this is your normal.  You  accept that nothing will be better.  As much as it might look good to others, inside we are all broken individuals slogging along anxious to die.  Its just too bad suicide has such a bad rap.  I would much prefer it to the hell I live on a day to day basis........

 

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