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Comment by Steve Suehiro on April 28, 2016 at 1:15pm

I wouldn't wish the loss of a spouse on anyone-  it is by far the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with. 

It has now been about a year and 8 months since my beloved young wife passed away unexpectedly.  The most difficult and darkest period in my life followed her passing - I did not know how or if I could survive without her.    In retrospect, I can say that although I will never stop missing and loving her, time has made my loss easier to bear. 

For those of you who are in the early days following the death of your spouse, my heart goes out to you.  Just know that you can and will survive, and that the only way out is through.  Someday, you will come to a place where you are not absolutely incapacitated with grief. 

For me I have chosen to live as well and as happily as I can as a means of honoring and showing respect for my wife's very short life.  I know she would not want me to just live in agony and pain, and though it is still very difficult at times,  I try my best to do as well as I can.   I can say that it sounds a lot easier than it is in reality, but you will survive this just as I did.

Comment by stewart p on April 26, 2016 at 10:39pm

Now came the practical side of things, having been out of the loop work wise for a while as I had taken care of my wife for the last few years, I had to find work, but something that wouldnt take me away from home all day every day.  I reduced my expenses as much as i could and began to find opportunities nearby close to home, flexible hours, part time, etc. Things I could work around with, if i looked hard enough i was surprised what i came up with.  Having been a white collar professional my whole life I found new ideas never before would have considered, ie: school bus driver, crossing guard, assistant at school cafeteria, newspaper route.  I know it sounds all strange but i needed money to pay our bills while being more available for kids then before.  2 years later i enrolled part time and returned to college after i found my true passion for work.  This whole experieince has made me look at life in ways i never thought of before, and to do things i would not have otherwise probably done, and in that respect it has been a good experience.  Strange how that works, so sad yet it made me grow so much.  I still look at those journals sometimes briefly but not as often anymore.  I use them at first because of my sadness, to recap my regrets and all that, now I know I need to do the best I can to live in the present because it is truly the only moment that exists and is real.  I dont go to the bereavement group any longer except once in a while just to drop in and see some old friends.  I still miss my wife, think of her everyday, probably more than if she was here she would tell you.  I did try dating once or twice and just decided that wasnt for me, at least not for now.  I know others go down that path but I dont think its a good idea, at least not for me.  I enjoy the quiet times I have to spend now at night alone for a while before I go to sleep, maybe think about the day, about my life where I am today, and memories of my wife, I still journal a lot, but more about what is changing in my life and what I am doing, not much about the past anymore.  And now i am looking for more gainful employment, and the kids are doing pretty good.  These are some of the things which have worked and helped me a great deal, but I think we all have to find what works for ourselves so I wont try to say what you should do, except for one thing I will say, as hard as it will feel more often than not dont be afraid or be held back from simply trying something that might help, even if it seems stupid or uncomfortable.  Before I went to my first bereavement meeting, I must of driven there 2 or 3 times without going in because i thought i would feel out of place or anxious whatever.  Finally one day I went in, and a year later it was one of the best things i ever did for myself.  Good luck and God bless, and just love your kids and be there for them more than anything else, they will remember for the rest of their lives the example Mom showed them when she was at here lowest point in her life.

Comment by Jennifer on April 26, 2016 at 10:33pm

Thank you Stewart. You have a lot of great insight and suggestions.

Comment by stewart p on April 26, 2016 at 10:25pm

Hello Jennifer, Im so sorry for your loss and where it has left you, a seemingly dark hole with no bottom and no way out.  I remember those first few dark months all to well myself having lost my wife and left the sole provider for our two sons.  The first few months it was all I could do to get out of bed and make something to eat.  Most of my time was spent watching mindless episodes on Netflix one after a another and sleeping when I could, simply trying to take my mind off of things.  I also spent a great deal of time writing in notebooks, my thoughts, feelings, drawings whatever else came into my mind.  I probably have over 20 journals by my bedside by now.  I didnt just write about how much I missed my wife but also reflected on where I had been, where I was and now as those writings have progressed; where I am going.  Its interesting sometimes I look through them now and I see a progression of these stages I went through and I can see I have made progress.  It has helped me to now be able to go back once in a while and see the progress I have made, and to compare how I feel or think now to some of the thoughts and feelings I had since then.  I also began going to a local bereavement group at a local hospital/hospice, it was free and I went religiously twice a month when we met.  That was of immense help to be able to be around other people in similar circumstances, there I also learned many helpful things to help me travel this emotional roller coaster we are all on.  I highly encourage it to anyone, make yourself go, it will help over a period of time, I promise.  At the same time I knew it was important to be there for my kids in a way I had never been before, and not to worry if they didnt want to talk about it but when they did have something to say to simply listen and hear them without judgement, realizing everyone including our kids must deal with their own grief in their own personal way and at their own pace.  But I also had to change the way I interacted with them or at least be aware of my new role because now the things the may once had spoken with thier mother before instead of me, now I had to make it more comfortable as much as I could for them to talk freely with me about the same topics as they would have with their mother before, to the extent i could and the best i could.  In other words I had to open doors with them that before may have simply been overlooked or closed on my part, if that makes sense.  The most important thing in my opinion is that we are there for our kids, because they have suffered a huge loss and many times dont know how to deal with it.  i went to my meetings without them however, and I found meetings that were open for kids, but to date they have not chosen to go down that path and thats ok too.  After the first few months I made myself get up and get out more, not because I wanted to but because I knew I had to, if not for my own survival then at least to be there for my kids.  I started going to church again, and eventually my kids followed.  We have to reach out ourselves if we want anyone to reach back, and no where better is this often the case than at church.  I went to several before finding a small one close by where I felt comfortable at.  But the value of these associations that began to form were 2nd to the bereavement group meetings, that is where I first really connected with others because of the obvious reasons.  But if youve been to church before, you also know there are people out there who you can reach to and will reach back.  What a great advantage we as believers have to be part of God's family, and sometimes unfortunately for many of us tragedy is what brings us back, at least as it was in my case. 

Comment by Jennifer on April 26, 2016 at 10:16pm

Thank George H. I am hopefully to at least be around those who actually understand how I feel.

Comment by George H on April 26, 2016 at 10:08pm

Jennifer my wife has been gone a year and two months and I'm still having tremendous problems moving on we were married 37 years and like you I was the only caregiver and after she passed very little family support no friends so I can understand how you feel I don't have an answer to your questions I don't think any of us do but everyone on this site is here to try to help you the best we can

Comment by Jennifer on April 26, 2016 at 9:59pm

I am brand new to this site, well any site actually. I have found myself a member of a club I never wished to join, nor do I wish for other to have to join either. My husband died on April 8, 2016 after years of serious health issues and then finally ending with esphageal cancer. We have 4 very young daughters, including twins. I have been our families and my spouses primary caregiver since we first married in 2006. Surgery after surgery after illness after complicated pregnancies just seemed to pound us mercilessly without any break.
Now, here I am left behind to figure out our enormous financial medical issues, try to put our neglected house back together, while solely caring for our 4 girls, mental, physical, emotional and financial needs. With no income of my own, no family support at all from his family, very little from mine, little to no commumity or church support and no friends. They all have just disappeared over the years when the,medical issues got to heavy to deal with. I am drowning, overwhelmed, and feel more alone than at any other time in my life. Not sure how to even go on and start over without him. Anyone have any ideas of how i, as, a young widow do forward?

Comment by George H on April 26, 2016 at 7:46am

Hi everyone it's been about a year and two months since Mary passed I thought I was doing better I found out it wasn't guess I just became a little detached because of all the loneliness and stress it sure as hell doesn't seem to be getting easier it's a really sucky way to live

Comment by bluebird on April 24, 2016 at 5:23pm

Like many of you, I much prefer isolation. If I cannot be with my husband, I really don't want to be with anyone. I do spend some time with my sister and her husband, and somewhat less time with my parents, but they all understand fairly well how this is for me. Also, when I'm with my sister and her husband, we generally have dinner while watching a movie or tv series on dvd, so we sort of focus on that, and don't have to talk too much, so that way I don't either talk about how much I want to die (and upset them) or feel as though I have to pretend I'm ok (which pisses me off). 

Anyway, sitting at home with just me and our cat is much easier than anything else. It sucks, of course, as everything does. I miss my beloved husband more than I could ever express, and wish he were here with me. But for as long as I am stuck in this life, I will spend as much of it as possible just staying in my apt., stagnating and waiting to die.  I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it's not -- it's how it really is, for me.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on April 24, 2016 at 4:37pm

John, so well said. I have found isolation to be my friend. I have ventured out a bit the last 6 months and have found it to be exhausting. In some ways, I have regretted the venture out into the "real world". To have to smile and keep up idle chatter about nothing is more than I can bear.

I think most don't want to hear about our most loved ones passing because they are in such denial themselves about death, especially their own.

This is where forums like this are so valuable.

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