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Lost My Spouse...

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Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran 4 hours ago.

Lost my wife 6 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Monty 20 hours ago.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Nicole Sep 28.

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Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 14, 2018 at 6:31pm

Thank you Geraldine, Linda, and Marita,

Our grief for our departed soulmate will never end; we will mourn and grieve the loss of the love of our life for the rest of our lives. As you all put it, our grief will only end when someday we are finally reunited with our love.

Linda, very nicely expressed. It says it all about us the the ones who are living through a lifeless and meaningless life versus the rest of the world who has no experience or understanding about our deep sense of loss and unbearable sorrow.

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 14, 2018 at 1:59pm

Comment by Marita on June 14, 2018 at 10:59am

Dear Linda, Trina, Morgan, Geraldine

We have lost our soul mates and our grief journey will end only when we are reunited with them. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 14, 2018 at 7:03am

Dear Morgan, Trina, Geraldine

All of your comments mirror my feelings. Everyday I try, and Everyday I fall, my life is worth nothing at all without my Husband, Julian. All I live for is my sweet little dog Babie J, and she is slowing dying. 

Comment by Geri on June 14, 2018 at 5:47am

Dear Morgan and Trina,

As strange as it may seem I find some release in knowing I'm not alone in my thoughts after reading your heartfelt pain. This torture of what is left of my life I know will never change. Each morning starts with uncontrollable tears not being able to see or hear my husband. The anxiety is unbearable. I'm beginning to think I deserve this heartache for the rest of my life as I'm the one here and he is not.

My day if not filled with company takes me through all my memories from  the smallest things like his blue eyes, his smile, the way his hair fell, the moles on his back, his proposal. They are all good memories but they break me. I will not see him again. He will not hold me again.

My evenings are not much different. When darkness begins to stir I go to bed. There is no one to talk to, there is no purpose. I'm hoping this will make the day go faster but then comes the waking every hour. I'm tired but my thoughts go to him and wanting to be with him and the tears start. This cycle of grief continues each day. People say be kind to yourself, you're strong, give yourself time, it's too recent - I don't think missing my beloved will ever change over time. 

Morgan and Trina I can only thank you both for making me feel a fraction normal. My grief is normal. I will acknowledge my feelings. I will mourn him in a way that makes sense to me. I will cry unashamedly. I will miss him forever and I will never let his name be forgotten.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 14, 2018 at 4:56am

Dear morgan,

As it is usually the case with you, you write with such poignancy and depth about our wretched condition. You always find the words, emotions, and feelings to describe the hell that many of us on this forum find ourselves in. The futility of living, the purposelessness of our daily existence. To what end?

Ever since the two recent celebrity suicides--Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade--I've been wondering how I have gone on for almost four years since Joseph's death. I contemplate dying every single day; I think, hope, and pray for my imminent death, but nothing. The needle doesn't move, or maybe it does move a little everyday, I can't tell. 

Like you, I can't stop wondering why the universe had to rob me of the love of my life. Why couldn't Joseph be spared, and why weren't we allowed to grow old together. Of course, there are no answers. It's a cold, indifferent universe that has robbed us of the one most valuable and priceless thing-person that made life worth living. What a miserable and sorry existence this is!

I have no words of consolation to offer you, but just to say that I relate to you fully and empathize with you wholeheartedly. Hang in there!

Hugs, Trina

Comment by morgan on June 13, 2018 at 10:53pm

I am so tired of having to live life. I understand why people commit suicide.  At some point the inability to function like a normal human being must become more than the will to survive the daily assaults on my memory bank.  I get it.  I wonder if there is a way I can rationalize bringing an end to the assaults.  So far I haven't been able to commit to an exit because somehow I think I am supposed to be stronger than that.  But how?  How do I continue feeling the way I do, so broken inside, so saddened by having to live without him?  How do I continue this pretense of a life?  

My coping skills have narrowed.  1) I pretend alot 2) I eat chocolate 3) I watch the news so I can compare my ills to the world at large and try to convince myself that I am going to make a difference by being a good person 4) I try to lean on those who don't judge my emotional illness (grief) at different times but I find its never enough 5) I am becoming a hermit. 

Plus I seem to go through really horrible patches of breakdowns amongst the other not so great times where I am at least managing to crawl around.  The bad patches seem to be getting worse.  I'm in one now again.  Then I'll get a little bit of a break where i am sick of living and don't want to be here but I am not ready to cash in.  Lately the cash in has gotten so intense.  I just don't know how I can keep going through these breakdowns.  

It has screwed up my digestive system so bad I don't know whether I want to eat or when I do I feel so awful.  An overall feeling of disinterest in food compounded when I do eat by bloating, nausea, and cramping gas periodically when I don't medicate with prune juice. I am dehydrated and feel like my immune system is in freefall.  Not that it matters because I would rather get sick and pass but I don't like feeling bad and having to wait out the length of time it might take for my body to naturally collapse.  

All of this makes me feel even more miserable.  I had a man who loved me more than anything.  He would have given anything to still be here with me today and yet the universe has seen fit to take him from me and leave me behind.  I cant square with that.  I have tried everything to bring some sense of normalcy back into my life and yet without him, there seems to be no bottom to the hole i live in.  I periodically peek my head above the rim, look around and then retreat because I just cant handle the complexity anymore.  Its too much to handle without him.  I am overwhelmed by maintaining what others do naturally when they haven't experienced the loss of being physically, emotionally, financially and mentally embedded in another's psyche.  We didnt have a marriage. We had a love affair.......i belong where he is....why wont the universe allow me?

Comment by Trevy Thomas on June 5, 2018 at 10:59am

Thanks to you all for your kind comments. Hugs

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 5, 2018 at 10:27am

Trevy,

What a beautiful story

Comment by bluebird on June 4, 2018 at 9:52pm

Trevy,

That was very touching, and also extremely well written.

 

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3 hours ago
Fran replied to Nicole's discussion Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Nicole, I'm almost 4 years out(next month). At this point the pain is generally duller. Every so often, and it doesn't have to be a birthday or anniversary, something triggers a sharper pain. My life with my husband almost seems like it…"
4 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bluebird, Trina & Alexis, Thanks for your thoughts. Life will never be the same again. I am so glad to have such wonderful friends on this forum. God Bless You All."
5 hours ago
ALEXIS commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda and Bluebird I have been feeling the same way.  At work I am getting in all sorts of holiday items and it is hard for me to look at it or think of the holidays.  This will be my first without my husband.  I'm not quite sure…"
15 hours ago
JenShep replied to Nicole's discussion Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Some days, yes it does. And some days it’s worse than the day you lost him. I’m two years out."
15 hours ago
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Alas, time DOES NOT heal all wounds. Perhaps it heals most wounds, but not the loss of one's soulmate, the love of their life. Those people who say this, don't know any better. Either they don't understand what a soulmate is, or they…"
18 hours ago
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
18 hours ago
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I understand, Linda. It's the same for me. ((((Hugs))))"
19 hours ago
Monty replied to Kyle McKay's discussion Lost my wife in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Kyle Im so sorry for your loss and the pain your going though. its hard at the start, especially if you don't feel you have any one to talk to. you have a sympathetic ear in here any time you need / wish to talk, i know its not the same as…"
20 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Here I am at a another Holiday Season coming up. All it is, is my six Christmas without my beloved Husband. I was always told time will make things better, I guess these people never knew what a true soulmate is. I feel the same way I did six years…"
21 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Here I am at a another Holiday Season coming up. All it is, is my six Christmas without my beloved Husband. I was always told time will make things better, I guess these people never knew what a true soulmate is. I feel the same way I did six years…"
21 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I would say that your mom was fortunate that she did not suffer that way. Sometimes a person will suffer for years before they die. I am certainly glad that I got to be with my mom at the end and tell her that I loved her every day, but it was…"
Wednesday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I know you know I did not mean it in that way, but of course not, my question, should I be thankful she did not suffer and lay in a bed and me have to watch her suffer and be able to do nothing as so many had to do on this site.  But as you…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, I don't know if we can be thankful that our mom's died under any circumstances. "
Wednesday
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Tuesday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"True Brett Should I be thankful? My mom died in an instant she was herself until the last minute. Some say I’m lucky I didn’t have to watch her suffer. But my mom used to always say we suffer everyday in this earth. I would have been…"
Tuesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"No, she didn't everyone, good or bad, dies. Few people have an easy death."
Tuesday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Wow Avi I believe in karma but I’m not sure that your mom has done anything wrong present or past that would make her have gotten that disease"
Tuesday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks Theressa. Yes hope the questions will be answered. In my country, lot of importance is given to Karma and it is believed that whatever you sow and you will reap the same. Not sure how this karma cycle is analyzed and who decided if this was a…"
Tuesday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Yes Avi That’s what we all have to do we have to go on with our lives it’s so much easier said than done I cry sometimes uncontrollably I have hope that one day every question or any uncertainty we have will be answered"
Tuesday

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