Lost My Spouse...

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Lost my wife 16 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Ellis Gee Dec 28, 2019.

My Love

On November 6 of this year, I lost my husband in a tragic automobile accident. We live in Georgia and the accident was in Montana making it more difficult. I am completely lost as we were best…Continue

Started by Kathy West Dec 28, 2019.

The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

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Comment by Joe Kelly on June 26, 2019 at 10:15pm

I'm sorry for the tragic way you had to watch your sister pass John and of course the sudden passing of your wife 5 years ago.  Most of us here live in a nightmare we will never wake up from and those who haven't experienced the hell we live in can't understand it.  Strange as it seems the most ignorant of them all are some members in the medical field.  I have two daughters that are nurses.  They grieve their mother deeply but they have families of their own and must go on, and one is seriously ill. They get it.  They know my wife was my life and pray I go to her soon because there is no other way my nightmare will end.  Time for me only means longer in hell.  As mentioned in a post below by Nancy, I'm in my second year and it just gets worse and I know it will never get better.  My only "till then" is being reunited with my Love when I pass.  There's no managing anything other than financially  helping my children, especially the sick one, who I constantly fear for.  I'm alone, and take it that you are an elderly widower alone also.  Yes, why do we survive?  I too have no idea about anything anymore.  I post here and sometimes go all over the place with my thoughts.  The only thing I can say is that you're not alone. 

Comment by Nancy on June 26, 2019 at 7:32pm

I'm sorry John. Often Hospice will administer medications to help with delirium.  Some are very good and some not.  I'm a nurse so I can say that even though I dont work in Hospice.  I think it is the helplessness is the worst.  You did not let your sister down. You were present and she knows that now I believe.  Take care of yourself.  

Comment by John T. on June 26, 2019 at 7:18pm

It's been a while and I don't remember exactly how this works.  It's coming up on 5 years that my wife collapsed and died in front of me.  Yesterday I watched my 85-year-old sister die in agony.  I thought she should die at home and hospice would take care of everything they said.  Unfortunately, they said what was happening was natural and wouldn't intervene in any substantial way to ease her suffering.  She was delirious and afraid and unaware I was there.  Once again I felt completely helpless as someone I loved died as I watched.  At least with my wife, I could do CPR and feel like I tried to save her.  I could do nothing to make it easier for my sister and if I hope I never hear the word "transition" in my life.  My wife always reminded me that I cope with pain and hurt with anger.  Maybe that's all this is but I know what happened was unnecessary and my doctor said today that there are things that can be done to help make it easier. My sister never did anything to deserve this and I feel like I completely let her down.  I am feeling pretty lost, angry, and none of it seems real.  I've had nightmares as terrible as this but I have awakened to feel so relieved.  I will never wake up from this, just like with my wife.  This is reality and what's strange is it seems to be so unreal.  I know too well there is nothing anyone can say.  Before I ever experienced this horror of loss I used to say the standard nonsense to devastated friends and family.  I know now that there is never a time in anyone's life when they feel more lost and lonely and that it only becomes manageable with time.  Manageable.  Whatever the hell that means. I survive but I have no idea why.  I have no idea about anything. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 24, 2019 at 6:04am

Thanks Nancy, I am sure everyone in our group can relate.

Comment by Nancy on June 23, 2019 at 10:16am

Love this Linda.  Thanks for posting it. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 23, 2019 at 8:24am

Comment by Nancy on June 22, 2019 at 1:30pm

I relate to you all who have posted lately.  2 years for me.  2nd year was worse than the first as reality set in and shock lessened.  I am still in a trauma state of mind.  Forgetful, irritable, less patient.  I isolate when not at work and feel the best at work.  Weekends my mind just plays it over and over.  I am empty.  Go thru the motions.  Cant talk about it much as people dont get it. It helps me to read on here the other people who are in the same place.  At least I know I am not alone or completely crazy.

Comment by morgan on June 22, 2019 at 10:42am

Robin, thank you.  Bluebird was the honesty that i discovered on this site that made it possible for me to express what I go through.  Several others who write let me know too.  I tend to reach out here, particularly when I am scurrying for my hole.  Some of the rest of the time I "function".  I isolate as much as possible.  I am working towards an end that allows me to do that more as it seems the only place where I don't have to constantly try to survive the bombs that go off.  Distraction has been the bailiwick that keeps me from taking my life at this point but after 6 and half years I am finding my soul is totally depleted pretending.  Like you said, its an act.  When he went missing, so did I.  I have not recovered.  I am not going to "get through it".  I am not a pessimist.  I just know what he was for me.  From second grade through the age of 61 I know he was the flame, in the crucible of my heart.  I long for death in the hopes that we reconnect. Who knows what happens?  I just know that the misery I live and the fight I have to put up on a daily basis which most people would say I have succeeded in dealing with is not enough for me.  In fact, it is nothing to me.  My life stopped having a real purpose the day he died.  I can say that here and I can say that to a couple people close to me that try to understand but no one understands it better than me.  No one experiences the pain like me.  But that is because no one had the love that I had wth the one person who really wanted to spend eternity with me.  And eternity is yet to be understood.......

Thank you for writing.  It helps to know that our suffering has no time limit on it.  And I am sorry that you are feeling worse.  I believe I can understand how that happens.  Some of us just had the fire that was unquenchable and we are now slowly dying of thirst.

Comment by Robin on June 22, 2019 at 10:06am

Hi Morgan - I lost my husband John, 9 years ago, when he was 46.  I come to this website every now & then, but have only commented a few times.  I relate most to you and Bluebird.  I can't believe it's been 9 years, and most people don't want to hear about it, especially after this long, they don't understand, and think you should be "over it" by now.  I'll never get over it, we were together for 20 years,no kids, we had a dog that was our baby, and John was my best friend.  I don't want to scare anyone that has just lost their love, but I feel lately that I feel worse, lonely.  I have a job I love, which keeps me busy & distracted, but weekends are the worst.  I've pretty much isolated myself over these years,  it's too hard to keep up the act that I'm ok.  I self medicated for several years, but have stopped that, and honestly I can't say I feel better, if I was able to, I would keep taking what I was taking... I understand how you feel Morgan, I can feel the pain in the post, for what it's worth, you're not alone in that.  

Comment by morgan on June 22, 2019 at 9:47am

I really don't know what to say to all the newer people who come here looking for help and comfort because I have struggled for years. I did find an article written by a psychotherapist just the other day that made some sense to me about the phases of grief but then I've read enough to choke a horse. Hers was written from the viewpoint of having experienced the death of her husband and prior to that she had been a counselor about issues of abandonment from the results of a divorce. Even she realized after her husband died that there was a huge difference between any other kind of mental break with reality other than the death of a spouse. Check her out if you want. Susan Anderson, . Maybe you can relate.
Doesn't change my own situation though, just another way to see the present. Bottom line is he's dead and I'm alive and I miss him every moment of every day. I think being here on this website and finding postings that cover the feelings of what each of us are going through is what is helpful. That others can relate. Each circumstance is different but the same kind of bomb seems to go off. Today I wake up to another situation where I am angry and overwhelmed by the futility of moving air around with no purpose. I am decidedly feeling more angst than I had been last week and likely as not it will change again next week. I am exhausted with trying to beat living without his support. I do not see an escape. I am thoroughly conflicted as to how to change my situation and have it become "better". I have lived two places since our home together and tried out a third for awhile. Location doesn't seem to matter for me. I am in essence another lost soul looking for its mate.....


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Missing my Son or Daughter

For all of us that are suffering the loss a son or daughter.See More
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, I have seven tattoos one for each year Julian has been gone. It is my way of honoring him  People make fun of me saying I am too old (71) to have them. Glad to hear I am not the only one still honoring their spouse after death."
Jan 13
Serenity replied to Linda Engberg's discussion Ending my Life
" suicide yourself there us no place for you in heaven. You will find yourself again and life will go on without your dearly departed. Learn to love yourself find what you like to do there has to something. Think of it like this he…"
Jan 12
Serenity replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely again
"It is a tradgedy to lose a loved one. But it does get better. Not everyday will be the same some days burn to the core more than others. Find a hobby or volunteer or help someone basically find something to do to ease the monotony of the day. In…"
Jan 12
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you Linda.  It's beautiful for you to had done that.  I have tattoo of our names in a heart.  I wear two sets of our wedding bands on both pinkys and ring fingers.  We're still married and always will be forever.…"
Jan 12
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, What a beautiful post. I have a tattoo on my shoulder of both our hands on our wedding day. I added my own words. God be with you."
Jan 12
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Jan 12
Rick Rilloraza left a comment for morgan
"Yes I still miss her terribly.  I am still sad and angry.  I was left with two boys ages 12 and 8 at that time.  What kept me going was making sure they were provided for and raised well.  I still have full on bawls when the…"
Jan 11
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Reliving two years ago.  Ten days till She took Her last exhaling breath in my arms.  She went knowing that we will be together forever and it can't come soon enough for me. Till then:"
Jan 11
morgan left a comment for Rick Rilloraza
"Rick, I am curious because I am within a week of being a widow of seven years how you are doing it allotter eight years?  Today, and more often lately (lets say for about the past six months) I have become more angry and more hateful of having…"
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