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Comment by Tildyc on April 2, 2015 at 6:13pm

- kindly shared with me. Thanks again m morgan.

Comment by Tildyc on April 2, 2015 at 6:11pm

m morgan- thank you so much for all the information. And that is a ton of information. I have to admit I've never been really confident in myself when it came to science. But my shortcomings are not going to stand in the way of me seeking answers to my questions. Honestly – what am I doing with my time anyway? When I'm not working or taking care the dogs I am sitting in my chair- crying- with my phone in my hand. Recently a lot of my time is spent sharing and communicating with my comrades I have found on here. And I have found some comfort in this.

So... With this long empty weekend ahead of me- I can at least fill some of that time with research and explore some of the info you so k

Comment by George H on April 2, 2015 at 5:38pm

January 5 Mary's birthday Feb 24 3:30 am the end of everything

Comment by Tildyc on April 2, 2015 at 5:34pm

Yeah that's another thing George. I'm filled with dread when I look at the year to come. I feel shaky just thinking about it.

The summer is going to have no happiness in it this time. No camping trips are fishing. September-there will be no fall hunt are picking wild blueberries. October- his birthday is that month. He would've been 51. November is his favorite holiday of all time. He was a wonderful cook and love to cook for others. So Thanksgiving was always joyful and warm. Then of course there's Christmas. That's going to be torture. January is my birthday but that won't matter anymore. Not without him there with me. And then- february. The anniversary of the end of my world. February 4, the day the one I loved more than life itself disappeared. And person I was then is gone also. She disappeared along with my soulmate Mark.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 2, 2015 at 5:32pm

Easter. First holiday without Mark. I'm sure that there will be family in and out of the house all day. I have been invited to friends for dinner. Everyone is trying to hard to make me feel better when I wish they would leave me alone. I know that sounds horrible but it's how I feel.

Comment by George H on April 2, 2015 at 5:31pm

John I though mary and I were indestructible even her being sick couldn't stop us now my life is shattered and the pain gets unbeatable

Comment by George H on April 2, 2015 at 5:16pm

First easter without mary it was her and I all the time can't even start to think what that day will be like

Comment by Tildyc on April 2, 2015 at 4:44pm

Okay – my weekend begins. It's gonna be hell. Came in the door sat in the chair and decided to listen an old recording on my phone from a year ago that I accidentally made. It's about an hour long with a lot of background noise but also there's several conversations of our every day life that Mark and I would have. Not sure why I do this, it's like I'm compelled to listen to it. I know it's going to break my heart but I can't seem to stop myself. I hear his voice and I close my eyes and a picture his face, I hear his laugh and I see his smile. Listening to those people (us) talking a year ago- who had no idea what was in store the next time this month rolls around. It's inconceivable.

Every day conversation... "Babe, are these tortillas okay still?" And- "Theres a lot of carbs in that beer hun." Or- "Hey babe- the washer is ready to have soap put in it." "Got to get to the store before it closes early today-because of Easter."

I want our life back. I don't want to have to sit here in this chair, in this quiet lonely house, and cry and futilely plead for Mark to please come back.

And cry.....and hurt....,and cry.........

I miss him so much.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 2, 2015 at 1:49pm

There were places that Mark had talked about taking me, but we never got to go. One of these days I am youths Vietnam War Memorial in his honor. 

Comment by morgan on April 2, 2015 at 1:37pm

To all on this thread.  You are all in the very early stages of losing the most important person in your life.  Depending on the depth of your relationship to your loved one you are going to feel this way for quite  awhile yet. You will go through all the emotions you have already felt and more and then you will rinse and repeat over an over.  You will wonder how it can be this way.  I had to go into the shower yet again this morning and cry my eyes out under the water, asking for release.  I triggered it myself looking at the photos of him during his last month alive between the hospital and home.

I am convinced the "feelings" never go away.  Don't let anyone push you into not recognizing those feelings.  I have managed to push away those who are unable to handle me.  It probably wasn't the best idea I've had but I need to do whatever it is that my emotions are telling me I need to do.  I have no other choice.  Probably neither do you.  

The best thing I have found to help me through this is going on websites where other grieving people like you and me are able without judgment to unload.  Keep doing it.  At least we know there is someone who understands.

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