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Comment by lost on April 6, 2015 at 10:38am

How can I be married to my soulmate for 41yrs and can't remember his voice? Im told to meditate.  But when I try staying still and quiet.....I hurt....I cry.....so I try to keep moving. Even though I am moving around....nothing seems to get done.  I don't even want to make my bed.  I just changed the sheets on Saturday.  It hurt so bad to wash the sheets.  I lost my smell a couple of years ago....so I can't smell him.....but, I know he slept on those sheets.  I keep asking him to talk to me......tell me what to do.....tell me he is with me. My family doesn't understand how I feel.....there are 7 of us kids and I'm the first to lose a spouse...they don't understand this empty feeling.  They ask me how am I doing??? How are you??? Like I am suppose to say OK.....I want to scream at them.  I know they only mean well....but, I don't want to answer their questions.  They took all my guns from my house.....they are scared that I will kill myself.  I have not spent one day alone.  Do I want to be alone.....I don't know.....I don't know how I feel about anything anymore.  The week after my husbands funeral, my daughter took me away to Santa Fe, NM. She took me to a Shaman.  He told me that if I commit suicide that my grandkids have a 70% chance of committing suicide because I am showing them that it is OK to take my life.  That it is a solution.  That is when I decided not to do it.  I don't want to leave that legacy to my grandkids.  Then there are days that I don't care if I leave any legacy.  I'm just so lost.. I wake up and it hits me....he is gone....he is not coming back.  How can I be without him?  I  married him when I was 16.  This man treated me like I was special.  He always told me he lived for me. 

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 6, 2015 at 8:59am

lost- There is nothing that any of us can say to ease your pain. I wish there was. Just know that you are not alone. We are all on here grieving and we all try to support each other. My beloved husband just passed away in Janurary. Almost 3 months. Sometimes the pain feels to raw to handle. Somedays are just a little better. Just know that you can say anything on here. We all understand.

Comment by George H on April 6, 2015 at 8:51am

Lost all of us here a dealing with the same feelings is a long hard road with know answers we just go on minute by minute that ll we've got the pain and loneliness are truly hard to deal with

Comment by lost on April 6, 2015 at 8:42am

I lost my husband of 41yrs a month ago.  He went to work, started throwing up and decided to come home.  He had a heart attack in the car and passed in the car.  I can't imagine my life without him.  I can't imagine how I can live with that half of me gone.  How do I go on??  How can I exist??  That's what I would be doing.....just existing. This weekend was so hard.  He so loved holidays.  Everyone smiling....everyone talking about next week's activities.  I felt guilty being at family functions....like I was doing something wrong. Like I was betraying him by being out.  I had to pick my 84yr old mother up at my sisters house.....I did not want to get out of bed yesterday.  I"m so empty.....so, so empty.  The loss is so terrible.  Never could I even imagine these feelings.  This house is sad.  His cat is sad.  I am sad.  Sadness is hovering over me all day.  I think I have cried as much as I can.....bang, its like I haven't shed a tear.....tears keep coming......my body just wants to crumble.....

Comment by George H on April 6, 2015 at 8:13am

How is it that people related to Mary kids g kids bro sis can seem to put her kind of back in there minds and just do what they do but they tell you they know what y our going through. They have know clue I can tell by some of the thing they may I'm lucky in a way that they don't come around and I don't have any friends everything was Mary and for me everything still is Mary

Comment by Donna M Dowling-Hall on April 6, 2015 at 7:30am

If it is someone who knows that Jeremy died, I tell them the truth.  He never lied, never.  It wasn't in his nature.  I had to do it, if he didn't feel like talking to his mother. 

There are a couple of women at work who do know what I am going through.  One lost her husband from suicide.  They have been a help and I can be very honest with them. 

If it a complete stranger, do the polite thing, I will answer back, "okay",  and keep going. 

 

 

Comment by George H on April 6, 2015 at 12:08am

Glad easter is over hard day the only good thing ts I was alone all day so I just stayed in my chair with Mary's dog already knowing what tomorrow will bring

Comment by Tildyc on April 5, 2015 at 11:56pm

Donna- and like you when somebody use to ask how I'm doing I'd look at them and I say absolutely terrible. And then they give me this look kind step back like I scare them a little. Like somehow I insulted them??? And then I will follow up- "what do you expect, its only been weeks since I lost him." I was confrontative on purpose. That way I thought maybe people would stop bothering me about it. But it didn't seem to stop anybody.

So as of lately I just look at them and say I'm fine. With no facial expression. In hopes that they would just leave me alone. And amazingly they look at me and say things like "oh that's great. You're getting back to yourself." And I all I can think to myself is – my goodness they really don't have a clue. And what they really want is for me to say something to make them feel better about about MY LOSS and the change in who I am. You've got to be kidding me – I can barely breathe due to the heavy weight of this pain right now. I certainly don't have it in me to comfort someone else's false concerns and uneasiness with my grief.

Comment by Tildyc on April 5, 2015 at 11:40pm

Dear sweet Lord- thank goodness that's over. That was an exhausting day. Everywhere around me were happy smiling joyful relatives and their friends. Everybody had their children and spouses with them. I felt like a complete outsider. Like I don't even know these people anymore. I definitely do not belong. I cannot live in their world anymore. I was banned from it when I lost the love of my life. I truly wish I could be part of that happiness but I will never ever go there again. This grief has removed every trace of the person that I used to be. I cannot relate to them anymore. I have to try to learn to live in this isolated and lonely world in which I have been forced into. I cannot believe that this is how my life is going to play out.

Comment by George H on April 5, 2015 at 9:57pm

Even when you and your spouse take about death and plan for the end it's a waste of time for when death comes all that talking and what you think you know dissappear all gods numb all goes dark and you are suspended in nothingness

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