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Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 4, 2015 at 7:11pm

I know, and I am very sorry for you. Please hang in there.

I lived through all the "firsts" this year: my birthday, our anniversary, New Year's and now Joseph's birthday; only his first anniversary of death is in August. On holidays and these special occasions the grief is even more intense because you see all others enjoying the togetherness and simple pleasures of life with their beloved spouse, and here we are having to face yet another meaningful day and without our beloved next to us. It's just too cruel. Why do we have to go through this? It's so unfair that so many wicked people live to a ripe old age, well into their 90's, and our beloved spouse had to pass so soon. It's just not right!

I want peace...

Comment by George H on April 4, 2015 at 6:47pm

the anger is just overwhelming today its it's so hard to keep myself under control this is my first holiday without marry and I'm sure not looking forward to any more like this the loneliness and the pain are just outrageous

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 4, 2015 at 6:38pm

John T,

The thought of having to go on living without Joseph for years and years (today is the 8th month to the day since he died) is unbearable and unthinkable. It's actually horrifying. On the one hand I feel that Joseph was cheated, he died too young (I am older than him; I am 54) and on the other, it seems like a punishment for me to have to live into old age without the love of my life without whom life has very little meaning. We don't have any children; I have siblings, but Joseph was everything to me. So in order not to feel even more despondent at the thought of having to live for so many more years without him, I just tell myself don't look too much ahead, just take it day by day, month by month. If not, the thought is too overwhelming.

I wish you peace, and all others on this site.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 4, 2015 at 6:20pm

On March 15th my darling Joseph would have turned 50. My grief counsellor suggested that I start a new tradition for Joseph's birthday so that it gives me a sense of purpose and it's a way of observing his birthday. To celebrate his memory I organized a fundraiser dinner yesterday to benefit the American Cancer Society. I was so glad that 32 of our friends, colleagues, and students took part in this benefit. But after the dinner I didn't want to come back home to the empty house. It was unbearable to have a dinner in honor of Joseph and not to have him here next me. It was so bitingly ironic, people were assembled to celebrate his memory, but I couldn't talk to him about the benefit. It was only me and myself I had to talk about the evening, and how it had gone…  Joseph now only lives in my/our memory, he has no physical presence, only memories and visions of him are what remain, and that's all I have to fill my life with.

Everywhere I look I see reflections of him, there is a constant reminder, and not an hour goes by when I am not overcome with longing to see him, to speak to him, to touch him, to see him smile, to hold him close to me. It's such a torment, and unless others have experienced this kind of loss they can't see or understand the intense suffering and pain that the bereaved like us endure everyday. 

If I could choose when I die, I would die now. I cannot bring myself to take my own life. The loneliness and the pain of loss are too much too bear. I don't want to go on living without the love of my life for 20-25 years more, but I am afraid that's what I am looking at. 

Comment by George H on April 4, 2015 at 5:56pm

Tildyc you don't sound unreasonable at all when Mary passed I was sitting in the chair right next to her bed I heard her last breath and I still can't believe it

Comment by Tildyc on April 4, 2015 at 5:52pm

I cannot escape this feeling. It's so empty. So lonely. Nothing, absolutely nothing matters anymore. Yes George – I keep trying to wrap my head around the fact that Mark is no longer a part of my world. I mean seriously – what the hell where they talking about when that dr looked at me and said-" I'm sorry, he's gone." How could that be? He was just here and we had plans. He was with me and talking to me. He is supposed to be here with me. How does somebody just disappear?

I realize I sound a little unreasonable but- How am I supposed to function in this world now? I just want to disappear too. To go where ever it is he went.

Comment by George H on April 4, 2015 at 5:07pm

I just can't get it in my head that Mary's gone for good it's so hard to realize that she's not coming back I've never dealt with this type of loneliness before I was trying my best but it doesn't matter what I do nothing is working and of course being the Easter weekend sure isn't helping

Comment by morgan on April 4, 2015 at 3:25pm

How do we go back and look at our memories and learn from that experience in order to encounter this grief and make good decisions for now?

 All the rules have been changed and I don't know how to make decisions based on my memories. I have to believe that this is what crazy feels like because nothing I am doing is normal. I had a rhythm, a balance and now I am swimming upside down.  I have to build a context in order to anchor myself again and yet how do I build context when my memories flood the stage?

Comment by George H on April 4, 2015 at 2:48pm

I just can't seem to pull myself out of this hole today I know she can't come back but I just sit here and wish it's becoming harder as the days go by just don't know where to or what to do anymoreit's just the same thing everyday

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 4, 2015 at 2:32pm

I'm so sorry Tildyc. Some days the grief is just so hard to bare. I wish there was something that I could say to help. 

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