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Comment by Tildyc on April 8, 2015 at 11:35pm

m morgan- I believe he is here. I truly do. I do meditations that I feel connect me to him in certain ways. It's not anywhere close to what I need to make myself whole again. But – it helps me find a path in which I can find him...in some way – in some dimension- so as I can survive this painful soul wrenching disconnection somehow. Most people would consider it weird and kind of out there. But it's the only way I've found to keep myself from disappearing completely into the dark and lonely place that I feel I am headed to. Like I've said for– this grief can make us go crazy. Or does it make us opened our minds and hearts in ordered to try and find the answers to what's the most important thing in this senseless and torturous Journey that were on?

Comment by George H on April 8, 2015 at 11:23pm

Tildyc know one here said anything it just the things people say that don'tunderstand why we feel like we do

Comment by morgan on April 8, 2015 at 11:19pm

George & John T and Jason and Sandy and Trina and Diane and all- some people just don't know what to say and are afraid of our grief bringing them to a place where they have to acknowledge their own weakness.  Others just don't care about anyone but themselves or as John noted, they parrot the company line and go about their day not giving a damn.  I've run into both kinds in this journey.  Neither one is great to have to deal with which is why we isolate and want our own exit.  Our tools for dealing with them have been taken away.  We are helpless children pretty much.  We are supposed to learn to walk again.  But we have no legs and are blind. 

I asked myself today while I was burying myself: was I so unaware of death and grieving before my husband died?  Certainly it was going on all around me and did I really understand it before now?  Did I get the depth of pain people I might have known were feeling? Was I compassionate to everyone including my husband all the time? I cant say yes to any of the above with complete certainty but I know now how deep this rabbit hole is.  

At the same time I study the physics of the universe and want to convince myself of the possibilities of his "existence" vibrating to a different frequency in a different dimension I cannot see but why else would my feelings remain so strong if he wasn't somewhere?  For me these "feelings" must have some relationship to his energy.  They must.  Otherwise we could treat this like we treat any endeavor in our lives where we put in a lot of our energy (like work for example).   If work changes or we get fired we have feelings about that too but not like this.  This is different.  Something is keeping us connected. Big time.  He's got to be there somewhere.  Now all I have to do is really convince myself of it.

Comment by morgan on April 8, 2015 at 10:59pm

Tildyc- I don't know what to do or say anymore.  The cumulative effect of years of this grief has driven me into the ground.  I cant function in any real normal way.  I seem like I do but it takes 4 hours of rest to accomplish just one little thing.  Today was brutal.  Many people say it gets better.  All I want to know is when.

Comment by Tildyc on April 8, 2015 at 10:01pm

m morgan- I too have had a crappy sad and wrenching day. I don't know what to say.. You're in my thoughts.

Every day-every hour-every minute -every second- closer to reuniting with the one lost in need so very badly.

Comment by Tildyc on April 8, 2015 at 9:42pm

George – I'm not sure what that last statement meant? Could you please explain it a little better? Did somebody say something to upset you? Who was it?

Comment by morgan on April 8, 2015 at 9:40pm

I'm not a financial advisor or lawyer but when my husband died and the hospital and doctors and labs wanted money I was told by a lawyer that I was not responsible.  When we went into the ER he was the only one who signed the papers and since he was deceased there is no one to collect the $ from.  I don't know about credit cards because we didnt have any debt there but things that may be in your spouses name only I would check with a lawyer. You may find that anything that was solely in your spouses name only are not your responsibility.  The lawyer I saw never charged me for his appt.  as I think he felt so bad for me because I shook and cried throughout the whole thing.

I find anytime of day or night I can end up in a meltdown but today had to be one of the worst and if they get any worse than this I cant say what might happen.  At the beginning of all this I was crying all the time. The intensity was about the same each time I cried and it was manic, it happened a lot of the day and I found it to be totally exhausting.  The difference now is the stress of all this grief that has been happening for so long my body is ready to crash and burn. I cry but it is like I am being buried alive.  I just cant keep going on like this. What makes it worse is after these damn flights off the cliff I land on the ground and I am forced to get up and walk again.

There is no god.  Nothing in this planetary galaxy or otherwise that lays claim to a sense of compassion would allow the kind of destruction and sorrow where we now live.  We're dying.  Slowly and painfully.  This is beyond the worst mental pain I could ever have imagined.  No more please. Sorry to all but I just don't know what to do with this pain anymore.  It's been too long.

Comment by Tildyc on April 8, 2015 at 9:40pm

Trina- Guess that's why I keep coming back here to this site – to this thread. We are all kindred and we all understand each other. At this point of my life – my 2 dogs and this place are the only things that give me the smallest amount of comfort. Nothing else helps. I'm not saying that it makes anything okay cause we all know better. But it's helpful not to be completely alone all the time.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 8, 2015 at 8:39pm

Tildyc,

It's so true what you say here. At night this is exactly how I console myself. Every day that passes is one less day here living this miserable existence, and one more day closer to being with the love of my life who gave meaning to my existence. Taking comfort wherever we can...

Comment by George H on April 8, 2015 at 8:37pm

Can someone tell me why some of these dam fool people just don'tstay quiteinsteadof saying standard death responses 101 you just want to slap the s**t out of them I'm starting to think we need our own conpoun with big steel doors to keep them out

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