Lost My Spouse...

Members: 365
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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by joe kelly on Tuesday

I'm in a constant state of paralysis.  I seem only to be able to do things when I know I have to.  Simple things go undone.  Dust builds up on my bedroom furniture.  I look at it and say to myself, I should dust.  But then don't do it.  I bought some swifters a while back and used one once.  I'm alone, who cares?  The living room goes completely unused and most things are packed up in boxes and closets.  All the decorative pictures, the lamps, the glass table tops.  I have no motivation to do anything and when something that I try to do, it all seem to go to crap.  Nothing matters anymore and like many or most here, My only hope is the next realm, reuniting with Her.  I had a decent sleep last night and dreamed I was touching Her.  I don't know where, but remember feeling her skin.  And at the same time, I knew it was a dream.  I still am grateful for having that dream though.  

Monty has a rough road to travel and I don't know if I could handle it if I was in his boat, but I doubt it.  Then again, I can't handle the boat I'm in and while I know my life here will end someday, someday can't come soon enough.

I have much to get rid of.  Things that I don't need taking up space in closets and two of my son in laws are coming over to load their suvs with things that are good and useful.  Last week, I had my children here.  I emptied my safe of all valuables.  All of our jewelry, gold and silver coins for the grands, their birth certificates, everything.  I will leave no estate so to speak.  Everything else is financial in trust for them.  The safe is one of the items that will be carted out this morning.  I have no need for it anymore.  I have no need for anything anymore.  The thing I need is Her but can't have Her here with me.  Nothing else matters.

Right now, I have to try to get things ready for their arrival so will force myself to do some of it but know very well that it will be when thery arrive, they will be doing most of it.  It doesn't matter.  Nothing matters.  That's where I'm at just about all day everyday.  I don't care about myself anymore.  I only care about going where She went.

Comment by morgan on Tuesday

I am finding it so hard to keep motivated.  I have tons I need to do to keep afloat and try to honor the legacy of my husband and yet all I seem able to do is push myself, force myself.......constantly. Its the putting on the mask and pretending like I give a damn about doing what I see ahead of me.  I feel like such a fraud.  Not because I am masking my true feelings as much as I just hate having to keep going forward.  If I say to someone how happy I would be to exit they look at me like I'm crazy.  

Why is this so intolerable?  Why can't I find anything to grab ahold of and be able to find some peace for my soul?  As I write this tonight I am having another rough time.  Just the same old struggle of feeling so alone.  Of wanting to have my husband be more than the picture in the frame.  Of knowing I don't really feel there is anything to keep me pursuing more time when time is a palette of cement blocks I have to keep dragging around.  

And yes Marita, I do dread my existence and yes, the only good thing is that It is one day closer to my own death, one way or another. 

Monty,  I feel for you.  I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have to do this with children.  I want it to be easier for you than me because your children need your guidance. It sounds like they are younger.  I hope you can find a local group to help share some of the burden you carry.  Or something somehow that includes your children.  Not ever being a parent I cant think of what that would be but I can wish that you find an outlet.  And we are always here for each of us.....

Joe,  eating and sleeping are two of the routines which become relevant only when either become absolutely necessary.  I remember when my habits when my husband was alive were at least pretty regular.  After his death it took me a good five years to get to the point where I make a halfway decent dinner.  And sleeping is still very erratic.  I know a lot of people on here take stuff to help them sleep.  My schedule is pretty much go to the bedroom between 1 to 4am and most often I sleep until 11 or noon.  And if I have to get up quickly I find I end up hitting a trigger early and cry.  If I go slow I can try to avoid the crying at least until I hit something later in the day.  

The scary part is because you cant imagine feeling so crappy for years......welcome to the club.  And I mean that in the most compassionate way.........

Comment by joe kelly on March 18, 2019 at 7:30am

I'm now having sleeping problems lately.  Go figure.  I sent you a message Monty.

Comforting to see all the posting here.  But, scary to see all the 5,6,7 years since....  God have mercy.

Comment by Monty on March 17, 2019 at 4:53pm

hi all

Joe.  I hope today is better than the other day.

Marita. I to am still putting on a smiley face and trying to not feel too much as feeling anything makes me sad and cry.

I've been trying to look at getting involved with a social group.

I wish to find a way to be happier if for nothing else but to show my children that it's possible to be happy after losing a loved one.

unfortunately, even if I wanted to get into a social group I would need to employ sitters for the children or take them with me.

I am trying to be involved in a social group, but it's hard.

hard to keep the smiley face on

hard to find time and energy to get out and be involved.

life is just hard.

my aunty died on Tuesday.

I wished to attend the funeral to support my uncle and my cousins.

unfortunately between work the children and the travel costs and time I am unable to.

I feel bad that I will not be able to be there for him as a fellow widower but as there seems to be this gigantic rift after my mothers and fathers divorce I feel going and not being welcome would just make me angry.

life seems so messed up

I'm sorry for dumping in here, but even my parents believe that I should move on.

it's so sad that I can talk openly about this grief and my feelings when my family can't hear it.

and thanks for being able to hear it.

I wish everyone has the best day they can


Regards Monty


Comment by Marita on March 17, 2019 at 3:05pm

When your ‘life force’ is taken away from you there is no will to go on.  It will be 5 years for me soon and many people think my grief has subsided as I seem to be functioning better, but as I said earlier we just become more adept at hiding it. It takes so much energy and effort to wear this mask that I find it easier to isolate myself and, like Alice, I don’t have closeness to anyone. I will never be the person I used to be - grief has stolen that from me. That person staring back at me in the mirror is unrecognizable.  As Morgan perceptibly says grief is “a ripping apart of a quantum soul.”  So I wake up each day dreading my existence, yet thankful that it’s another day closer to my end.

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 17, 2019 at 6:34am

Hello Friend's,

Big Deal, It's St. Patrick's Day. All is does to me is relieve my Husband's death. In 2013 he passed away 2 months after St. Patrick's Day. We did go out to dinner together put he was in so much pain we had to leave the restaurant. I hate the f _ _ _ _ _ g cancer that took him. I have attached two pictures one year before his death he was a vibrant man and 1 year later this devil's disease wasted his body to nothing. 

Comment by Alice Thompson on March 17, 2019 at 3:09am

Hello friends, I’m so grateful to read your honesty about this hell on earth, this unbearable grief that we have (almost) no choice but to bear. I’m sorry I don’t contribute more often. When I think of something to write, in my head it sounds like the same thing I’ve been saying for four years. At the beginning I used to be honest with people (I mean those who haven’t gone through it) about how terrible it feels to lose your love, but I don’t do that anymore. If they don’t know, they are the lucky ones. Don’t scare them. That is my attitude now, but it also means accepting hardly anyone gets it, so I’m just going through the motions socially and don’t have real closeness with anyone. But like you, Joe, I know for sure that my love is with me, and this is a joy that sweeps me into a smile all of a sudden. But it doesn’t stop the deep grief and agonising sobs. 

Comment by morgan on March 16, 2019 at 10:34pm


Yes, we all pretty much have found that grief is not a bump on the head.  It is a ripping apart of a quantum soul.  For me it has become an all encompassing desire to plead with the universe to take me.  I do it as I have now managed to function a bit better in everyday life but the sooner I can escape this drudgery the better.  I just don't need anything more.  I know lots of people think life is so precious and at one time so did I.  Now its just a ball and chain. Never thought I could feel this way but its truth.  And I so empathize when I see others who are having a hard time with it all.  Mainly because I know my own meltdowns are not too far off in the future.  They hit when they damn well please.  I've just gotten better at recognizing/admitting that this is how things are and going to be.  Doesn't matter that others don't see it that way.  It's only because my husband is gone and I think he wants me with him.  The question do I get there?  

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 16, 2019 at 6:05am

Hi Joe,

Same as you if I am not posting anymore God has finally taken me. It will be a joyous day.

Comment by joe kelly on March 15, 2019 at 4:46pm

That you all for your kind compassion.  Just plain hell today as usual.  Tears at times and don't know when or what will trigger them.  The only time I venture out is my daily visit to the cemetery (closest I can be to Her physical remains), and sometimes afterwards stop at a store to buy a little food on the way back to this room.  I sometimes wonder what happened to the members that belonged to this group.  I says 365, but seems like about 20 or so.  I wonder what happened to Mel?  His last post was something a few of us tried to talk him out of.  Haven't seen a post from him since but hope he's still around or better yet, he passed naturally.  If someday you notice that I am no longer here, you all can assume that I passed naturally.  Like I tell my children, when I pass, don't mourn, celebrate.  


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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"How do you guys have your settings?  I didn't have a problem before a couple of days ago."
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I can't see the pics still but glad you guys can.  I sent a message to ninja  to check if I have a setting wrong.  I have pics to be seen by friends set.  I have 750 pics of Her (from about aged two till days before She left…"
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"She was sent to save me.  There was a fate of that.  Too many coincidences to be otherwise.  I was born to a terrible family relationship in one State and She was born to a good stable family relationship.  We both moved to a…"
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I am so grateful that each of you share what you are doing and how you are dealing with your loss at whatever stage in months or years.  In the past I never had to worry about looking for company for misery.  I wasn't miserable.…"
Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, Thanks for your encouraging words."
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, What you say here about your day sounds like my miserable daily schedule: "My schedule is pretty much go to the bedroom between 1 to 4am and most often I sleep until 11 or noon.  And if I have to get up quickly I find I end up…"
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Marita,  I can relate to what you are saying: the activities that Joseph and I loved to do together are now very painful to do on my own. But it seems that you have started taking baby steps in the right direction by starting to run again.…"
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, This is awesome! How inspiring that you run marathons to honor your beloved husband and soulmate Julian at age 65! "
Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, That is quite an accomplishment! My husband was my running partner and we did a lot of charity runs together. My last run was 2 months after he died and dedicated the run to him. Since then I have tried running alone but it was too…"
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"WOW, that's great! "

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