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Comment by Angela on June 17, 2015 at 8:52am

I appreciate everyone's candor! I can so relate. It's like no one really knows what it is like. They try to pretend it's no longer an issue. IT IS!!!!!! I lost my soulmate after 25 years of marriage. Of course it was not constant bliss. We worked hard through the ups and downs, have 2 children, the everyday stress of working, owning a home, financial strain, times of unemployment, family illness, other deaths of close family members....we worked hard to keep it all together out of our deep love and devotion to each other. Then on April 27th of this year, God thought he would take my love away from me and threw me to the dogs to do it all alone, manage my 2 boys, upkeep the house, care for my husbands aunt, work full time to stay afloat! Really??? I don't get it. It is so unfair. There are monsters out there that get to live while harming others may stealing, cheating and all that. Why take my love? He was gracious, kind, compassionate, loving. Everyday is painful. It's hard to get up in the morning and not be greeted by his smile or touch. I find isolating and staying at home to be the most comforting in all the pain. I don't like to leave the house. I do have to get groceries now and then....sometimes we don't have adequate supplies of food because I can't get myself to the store. I actually had my son go grocery shopping yesterday. We were so close...I don't know who I am right now. I feel disorganized. Anyway, I appreciate this group. I am new here, just a few days. I am glad I found you.

Comment by George H on June 17, 2015 at 5:58am

hi everyone just checking in on everybody I haven't been posting much but I've been here every day reading stuff not much is change for me it was 15 weeks yesterday it seems like it was an hour ago I'm still doing the best I can but I keep receiving into that dark place I'm not sure what I'm going to do but right now I can just go minute to minute that's all I've got I've taken 2 pretty much staying in my room with the dog why you remove my chair in there just have no interest to be in the rest of the house or to interact with anyone that wants to come in or out that's about all I've got for now you all take care of yourselves and I'll be here and the silence following you everyday

Comment by Tildyc on June 17, 2015 at 1:23am

Oh yes.... Isolation. I seek it at all times. I wish I where financially stable enough to retire from my work and move out to the family cabin. It's there- that I can be far away from the rest of the world and completely alone. It is very peaceful there and safe from any unwanted visitors. At least human visitors anyway. It's located well away from my little town and civilization- perfectly situated in the beautiful Alaskan wilderness.

But ever since the effin porcupine incident with our beloved dogs a few weeks ago- I have been unable to return to my hiding place. I hate that I have no place to seclude myself from the rest of the world. To escape all the well-meaning but unaware and unaffected normal folks.

Getting away like that by no means lessons my pain and suffering- but it does allow for me to be left to it. There is just something about that cabin. I feel Mark there. I cannot explain it... I just do.

Comment by Nancy on June 16, 2015 at 10:38pm

Oh my, Rachel_michelle, we are living parallel lives. My husband died March 9th of this year and I am 36. Every day it sucks, and then it gets better, and then I remember something else and it sucks again. I still can't quite believe he's gone. I only had him in my life for 5 years. It wasn't enough time. It was never going to be enough time.

Comment by bluebird on June 16, 2015 at 9:57pm

For me, too, it's as if I am on a different planet from everyone else. 

I don't know if anyone here will be familiar with what I'm about to describe, but this is sort of like what Tildy said -- in old basement windows, in row-homes in big cities (at least in the Northeast U.S.), rather than regular panes of glass they used to use these thick glass bricks.  Sunlight could come through them, and you could sort of see color in a vague way, but that was it. Nothing was clear. 

Now, it's like seeing the world through that sort of glass.  Everyone else is on the other side.

rachel_michelle, I isolate myself as much as I can as well. I don't want to interact with anyone else, except, to a limited extent, my immediate family (mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law). I have no choice but to work, because my financial situation is horrible, but if I had money I would not work, I would just stay in my apartment as much as possible. I don't give a good goddamn if life or other people or whatever want me to "move forward". I just want to stay still, in one place, and make my life as small as I possible can until I can die.  I'm not recommending that you, or anyone, do that, I'm just saying how it is for me.

Comment by rachel_micele on June 16, 2015 at 9:42pm

Reading the latest of posts, John's comment about how painful it is when people act like nothing has happened and Tidlyc's comment looking at the world and everyone in it through a thick and cloudy pained window ... I can relate. I need people. But out in the normal world, the right people are such a fine, finicky, and unstable line ... the emotional tailspin from a well meaning but way off the mark comment is something I work to avoid. So I too find myself isolating a lot.

Sometimes I want to unplug so completely from anything and everything "normal" that it's like I'd fall off the face of the earth for a while. I got a different job for summer that allows me to be alone virtually 100% of the time which is the best part about it. I feel like I'm on a distant planet trying to function on earth with the non-grief that try but can't understand our crippling hell. Life tries to pull me forward but I'm stuck in quicksand. And not only that, I don't want to go forward because that means I would have accepted the heart stabbing reality that my love is physically forever gone ...

Comment by Tildyc on June 15, 2015 at 4:42pm

m morgan and John T-

Morgan- I just finished reading your personal e-mail to me. One of the subjects you mentioned was repeating numbers- 1's, 4's ...

As soon as I finished reading your message, I went to our main thread to check in and John T had posted how its truly never going to be alright. Which is the absolute and undeniable truth. I'm in complete and total agreement on this John T. I am convinced I'm to live the entirety of my life in this subterranean like state of existence. I feel as if I'm observing the rest of the world and the people in it-through a cloudy and thickly paned window.

But also- m morgan- interestingly enough the number on John's last post was 1111. I'm not really clear on the significance of these series of numbers. But I found it impelling that those numbers popped up immediately after reading your message to me. Anyways- I wanted to bring that to your attention.

Comment by Richard G on June 15, 2015 at 8:35am

Angela, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my spouse to cancer on 4/18/15 and can really relate to how you feel. Everyday is a struggle just to get out of bed. Just know that you are not alone. There are always people here who understand what you are going through. I wish you some moments of peace.

Comment by Angela on June 15, 2015 at 7:09am

I work from home. My office is set up in my husband's den. I have to see all his prized possessions, books, art...everyday. He has been gone 7 weeks....I still can't believe it. It's hard to focus on my work everyday because I see his things and cry. I know I eventually need to change my office to a different room but I have to figure out where to move it and it will take a lot of work and energy which I don't have.

I feel so alone. Lost. Disorganized.

Comment by Tildyc on June 14, 2015 at 10:20pm

Sick of living like this........ It's endless and empty.

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