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Comment by rachel_micele on July 17, 2015 at 1:34pm

Regarding the spam - I too sent a message to Diana a week before m morgan's wall post asking for them to be removed. I also use a personal computer for my internet - don't even have smart phone - and, yes, the "latest activity" and "blog" threads have gotten bad with them. But I would rather be here and ignore them than leave.

I SINCERELY HOPE all of you who are here, stay. This website too for me has been a lifeline and I must keep it. I come here literally every day to at least read, catch up, and post when I feel moved. PLEASE EVERYONE, STAY plugged in BUT if need to move, please post where all of you can be found. I need this website, community, and all of you.

The recent posts of how our world stops yet continues on for everyone else and all of life, especially John T's post, how painfully I can relate. Within 3 weeks after losing my love, I was suicidal. Every day, the sun alone gave me the bitter reminder of the nightmare from hell I was living. To put on top of that my obligations and daily routine with everyone else living like nothing happened was just salt in the emotional wound already bleeding profusively. That part of me genuinely did not care what anyone would think or feel if I was not physically here anymore. They are not the one living this hell, I am. And at the end of the day, it's only me to bear it. I went so far as to thinking of my cat, my fur child, and what my options were with her. I could put her down, I could kill her with me, I could leave her at my parents house where she is for them to take care of her, etc. But none of them I felt good about. I thought carbon monoxide would be the most painless way but a week or two after starting to process this i saw a forensic file show on tv with people dying that way. The private detector talked about what happens and I learned it's not so pain free, at least if you're awake for it. But still, to think of putting any pain on my sweet billy, even for a second, brings automatic tears to my eyes. I realized just yesterday, she really is the only thing I am living for cause it sure as hell ain't for myself and how life is now. 

But yes, this dynamic that our world has abruptly stopped, time has stopped, nothing goes on yet everyone and everything else does without skipping a beat is so agonizingly painful I can't even put it into words. Early in the grief I felt the need to make a statement to the world that life is not okay, I'm not okay, and took every measure I could to express that. With my thoughts of yesterday, I think part of my inclination to suicide is this very need. The last month I have felt an overwhelming urge to unplug completely from everyone/thing "normal". I think it's for the same reason. Life is still NOT okay, I'm still NOT okay, my counselors have been a huge lifeline but I need more. My life is still stopped, my feet feel like they are cemented in quicksand while the rest of life still moves on. This pull, stretch beats to a pulp without mercy.

Started putting together a memorial/alter space in my apartment last night but this damn dynamic of one extreme with the other is driving me nuts. I will admit it felt good to see something more put together of the memories and items I've been working on, yet, I still don't believe I'm doing this and this really happened.

Thank you all for reading my lengthy post.

Comment by morgan on July 17, 2015 at 11:27am

To clarify.  If you are working off a smart phone you don't see the same opening page as you do on a computer unless you open desktop view.  On the right side under "latest activity"  you will see the endless posts of spammers selling whatever they are selling but it isn't sharing their grief. It's dispensing more grief.  Computer views on the home page are littered with them and I have no idea who is monitoring it.  My hope is that the posts in that column would be free from spammers.  

I use my computer more than my phone for ease of viewing larger and the way I look at the site.  I use the  "latest activity" column as my way to navigate as  I find the format confusing and I cant tell what has been posted otherwise. But I continue to read regardless of the spam.  

Like each of you this has become a lifeline for me.  Like each of you it is the one place where I am accepted for my grief.  Like you I am hopeful that it isn't going anywhere and I too want to stay in touch with each of you.  And Anne you are right.  If they cant make money they disappear.  If it does go dark anyone have an email address they aren't using for personal or business or want to set one up quick just in case we need one?  If no one else can I will soon.  Just cant do it today.  Have to catch up on some stuff I have let slide for days.  Motivation has been low……..activity for things I need to do to stay afloat I need to set aside sometime today to do.  

Thank you everyone……dog, this is a terribly hard journey we must travel.  

Comment by Angela on July 17, 2015 at 5:42am

I feel alone and invisible. Empty. I feel displaced, uncomfortable. Broken. No longer whole.

Comment by Tildyc on July 17, 2015 at 3:05am

I too, am confused about the spammers. Can't say I've ever seen them on here before. And I do not recognize their names that where mentioned. I'm sincerely hoping that the issue has been resolved.

This place is literally the one and only place I am able to be totally honest and truly understood. There are no other options for me. I speak to no one else about my loss.

If it is decided to switch to a different place- plz take me along with everyone else. I've come to rely upon this connection we've built. The empathy and sharing of all our pain is the life line I've so desperately needed through this "hell." If not for our daily communications- my isolation within this darkness would have undoubtedly led to the loss of what minuscule amount of sanity I feel I still may posses. And even though most times I'm convinced that I really have lost my damn mind- this is the one "thread" that keeps me tied to a form of reality. As much as I HATE it- (this new reality) at least here, I am not completely alone in it.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 17, 2015 at 1:24am

Hi m morgan and others,

What are these spammers you are talking about? What have I missed? This site has been a life-saver for me. When I was in the deepest throes of acute mental and emotional distress and was this close of having a nervous breakdown, I happened upon this forum. So if this forum goes away for some reason, like many others on here, I will feel more adrift on an ocean with no voices of commiseration and compassion. So what spammers are you talking about?

Comment by morgan on July 17, 2015 at 12:50am

Oops here is the link

http:/http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/death-and-dying_b_...

Comment by morgan on July 17, 2015 at 12:49am

Found this on a keyword search and thought it might be helpful to some. I followed further into her twitter feed (at bottom of article)and found some more articles that repeat how you don't move on.  You need support not getting fixed.  

And Anne,you really wrapped up the whole deal.  I hate living. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. What a huge ugly practical joke that Nature has played on humanity.... built into us a mass of tissue that turns to poisoned and decaying meat when we dare love anything. This serves no better purpose, this grotesque grief."  Time passing does give a bit of relief but bottom line is we never forget what this has done to us.  It just is.  I think you will find the article and some leads in the twitter feed of hers helpful.  I don't think any of us here need the writing projects she sponsors though.  I think we can do that all on our own.  

Comment by Angela on July 16, 2015 at 8:59pm

I can relate Nicole and John. It has been less than 3 months since Tom died suddenly. I still keep looking for him or hope to hear his voice or get a text or a call from him. I think my boys are making strides in moving forward. I feels stuck. I feel abandoned in a way as well. I was left with so much to do. My one son has Asperger disorder and does not help me out much. My other son is a great help but he is leaving for college next month. The first few weeks after he died I felt like I had to get all this stuff done. But now, I have slowed down. What's the point? He's not here. I feel like I am in slow motion, like walking through water. Everything is a chore to do. I can't believe he has been gone this long, time is moving by and it's still all surreal. I am so alone and lonely. I still don't know how to move forward without him. We had so many plans for our future. Now my future is empty. I don't know how to even imagine it. I cannot see ahead anymore. It's all changed, halted.

Comment by nicole irving on July 16, 2015 at 7:25pm

i know the world goes on regardless , nothing ever stops, but even doing things that i normally do, things that i would normally enjoy, i just feel like im hitting my head against a brick wall, that ive hit a massive stalemate with my life, its been 2 months today and it still feels like the day my life was shattered

Comment by morgan on July 16, 2015 at 6:17pm

I sent this to the address you posted Donna. 

Diana,

Please please please can you eye the amount of spam that seems to be overrunning the site. Jane Fox, hasan raja, pikachuaa, We all feel we have found a site that helps us grieve and share and it is really disheartening to see it start to devolve. Rumors are that the site is changing hands. I do hope that somehow we wont be set adrift watching the one place we felt safe become a place for grifters and trolls.

Any assurances would be welcome as would the disappearance of the spammers.
Thank you,
Morgan

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