Lost My Spouse...

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Latest Activity: Oct 10

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by morgan on June 14, 2019 at 11:48am

Hi Haven't been writing recently as have had so much to organize in my life I just haven't had a moment and when I do I am so tired.  So grateful to everyone else who continues to write though.  I look here daily to read.
Life is still painfully meaningless.  It doesn't matter what I do (and I do plenty) it always comes back to what is missing.  The canvas is just a blank even though I've been throwing paint at it for years(analogy). I watch as my body continues to waste which if I am researching correctly it will lead to my death earlier rather than later.  The rheumatoid arthritis kicked off by the stress of the crying has definitely decimated my immune system.  And actually that is ok by me.  In the past several months it is so uncomfortable to try and sleep as it has now settled in my one hip.  And sleep is so erratic anyhow. And unachievable.   Add to that acid reflux and my lack of appetite and I figure maybe a couple more years and I should be done.
I met a lady here locally who lost her husband four years ago and she too struggles with her grief.  She talked to me today and told me she is now on Prozac and feels "more normal".  What is normal?   I can fake life without taking pills. Nothing is real so why bother. I see the familiar all around me but I connect with it all in a surreal way.  
In essence I am a zombie who has been going through the motions for way too long and none of it has made any sense.  I find it inconceivable that this is a test of some grand plan.  I think it is simply the universe living itself out through us and the plants and the rocks and the water etc. That consciousness is fundamental to the universe and we are all the energy produced by the universe and some days the vibration is high and and some days it is low.  It affects our quantum fields at a very base level.  My neural system seems to pick up every small detail now.  Nothing gets past it.  Its like I am vibrating at a high frequency in anticipation......Anticipation of what?  My own death?

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 10, 2019 at 6:28am

Hello Everyone,

Thank You all for sharing your thoughts. I just can't thank everyone enough. This is the only place I can talk with people who really understand how I feel. I know that the rest of the world does not understand what we are going though. I feel as we have all become family to one another and I thank God for that.

Comment by Nancy on June 9, 2019 at 6:18pm
I feel the very same as you all describe. I keep very busy but any down time and he is all I think about. I am lonely even when surrounded by people. Not for anyone but for him. My comfy houseslipper, my comment finisher, my true soulmate. My love forever. Its been 2 years and seems like yesterday in some ways and in others seems a lifetime ago. I think its because my life ended then too. I go through all the motions and even laugh at work but I'm an empty shell in reality. We were married 43 years. 3/4 of my life so far. You can't just move on from that.
Comment by Marita on June 9, 2019 at 5:57pm

Linda, you’re so right “we were so close and only needed each other.” Forty years of being together, how does one move on with half a heart.....half a brain. There is no life without love. Morgan, I am lost too. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained and soon it will be five years of waiting, hoping, and pleading to end this misery. Joe, this is a living hell and the only thing that sustains us is the thought of the joyous reunion with our beloved. Trina, I hope being closer to your sisters will bring some comfort to you. 

Comment by Joe Kelly on June 9, 2019 at 3:56pm

I've been staring at this website for about an hour now.  I just signed in because the few of us here are all we have sharing the hell of living and even though I don't know what to say or should say going to say, I have to because we're all we have.  We died when Our Loves died but we're stuck here waiting and hoping to go where they went because they can't come back to us.  We HAVE to go to them.  Most of us were with Our Loves for many years or just about all of our lives in some cases like mine.  There is no going back and no going forward with our lives here.  We can only wait and the constant torment can't be fixed.  At least in my case and many of yours.  We're like orphan souls stuck in our bodies and as far as I'm concerned, there's only one way to fix that.  For me, it has to be natural though for fear that I have to go the way she went or might not end up in the same realm she is in.  If I KNEW it didn't matter, I'd be gone already but will suffer for as long as it takes and hope it's soon.  Every day is hell but I won't relent.  FOR HER, I will suffer this ongoing nightmare because SHE is the only thing that I want.  I have children and grands but like most of us, when we had Our Loves and lost our parents, we went on with life.  I'm witnessing that now with my children and grands.  They fell bad about losing their mother and grand mother but I'm the reminder.  They are supportive to an extent that it's my grieving MY Love, that is somewhat the focusing reminder.  When I'm gone, They will feel comfort knowing that what my wishes are completed and go on with their lives just as we did.  My only "recovery" is to go to her and adore her for all eternity.  The majority in the world can't understand or accept that.  So here we are, a small minority they can't help.  So we wait and suffer for something they can't comprehend.  I know I'm babbling now so will close wishing you all for what we truly want and waiting for.


Comment by Linda Engberg on June 9, 2019 at 6:30am

Hi Morgan,

I too try to keep busy every minute of the day. I do have a little dog that has really helped me make it through the day. Now she is slowly declining and I am going through the same thing I did with my Husband. Watching her failing everyday is heartbreaking. When I lose her I will have nothing to live for. We never had children as we were so close and only needed each other. I always think to myself why I couldn't go first or die together. Life Sucks.

Comment by morgan on June 9, 2019 at 12:03am

 I was trying to put something together to write and I just am lost.  I just can't find the energy to communicate how devastated and debilitated my life has been since my husband's death.  I've been too busy trying to do enough to pretend I care to live.  Who am I doing this for?  No children, no animals, yes, some friends but seriously, how long can I keep this up? 

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 5, 2019 at 12:38pm

Hi Trina

I myself have been thinking of relocating back to Nevada where my Husband and I shared our retirement. It is not going on 7 years and I have thought of moving back with my sister but I decided not to because I want to live where the happiest times Julian and I shared together. I know if won't be the same but I think I will feel much closer to him. The only way I will now is to just do it.

Comment by Joe Kelly on June 5, 2019 at 9:51am

Dear Trina,

I read your post on Monday and wanted to say something comforting to you but your first paragraph says it all.  I hope your sisters can bring a little more comfort into your life and because you made that first move which must had been so hard, any reminder of it is paralyzing.  I haven't made any move yet and don't know if I ever will.  Sometimes I think maybe I should but my Love and I spent 40 years here in this apartment, it scares the heck out of me to vision leaving here as described in your second paragraph.  Your third paragraph is what I want to say to you today.  I'm sorry but I'm so broken that your words are all I can do to respond back at you.  It's crazy, Monday was Hell's basement, yesterday was Hell's penthouse, and this morning is just plain Hell.  And finally, your last paragraph back to you.  Good luck with your move that you are making that it in some way, makes this Hell on earth a little easier to bear your loss of Joseph.


Comment by Linda Engberg on June 5, 2019 at 6:09am

Thanks for sharing Stewart.


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Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Yes Elynn, the loneliness.  That's painful.  They're not here and always was.  Our best friend, lover, and most precious thing we had.  We were lucky enough to spend the last 8 1/2 years together, joined at the…"
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Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I've had a rough few weeks.   August 31st would have been our 45th wedding anniversary.   September 27 was year 4 of my husband's passing.   It's pretty lonely around here.  Its difficult to talk…"
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Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Every day for me is the same day she passed.  Not a joyful or even an ok moment.  I spend a little time with the children and grands and do my best to hide my emotions, but they all know how I am inside, even the youngest grand at age 4…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, I feel the same as you. My sweet dog Babie J is nearing the Rainbow Bridge. I wanted stay on this earth for her. Once she passes I will do nothing to save my own soul.  "
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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