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Lost My Spouse...

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Latest Activity: Sep 11

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by morgan on December 20, 2018 at 10:20pm

Corinne,

You wrote "I am a pretty tough cookie of a woman but this has brought me to my knees. I have never ever experienced such a void or emptiness in my life. And these people in my life just don't get it. I find it so offensive when they offer me stupid patronizing platitudes like oh sweetie, its just gonna take a bit of time."

I was always strong.  I have been on my knees for years.  The chasm is so deep, so wide it is impossible to traverse. And you will slowly narrow your relationships to those who can offer at least some understanding of your loss.  You won't have enough energy for those who think this is like replacing your broken down car.  

And I have a bit of a tough time too understanding losses of family members versus our spouses but then there are some who never get the chance to have the kind of love that we experienced with someone we chose.  Both of my parents passed and so has my youngest brother but nothing holds a candle to the intimacy of loss that I had with my husband.  Its simply devastating and after this many years I am functioning better but the emotional me still breaks within about a 48 hour period.  Something always seems to trigger bringing his essence front and center and I cannot push it away until I cry and expend just a little more of life's energy trying to cross that threshold to reach him again.  I am exhausted on so many levels and anxious and hopeful I don't have long to have to keep questioning the need for my own existence.  

Comment by Monty on December 20, 2018 at 4:18pm

Hi Linda

That image is so poignant for this time of year and i think how most of us feel.

After my first anniversary yesterday, it was fine in the morning but in the afternoon it was quiet rough.

I'm hoping for a better day today, although not holding my breath, as I'm surrounded by teachers today who are celebrating christmas and the last day of term.

I'm going to have a sore tongue tomorrow from biting it today.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 20, 2018 at 3:16pm

Hi Morgan,

Well said. "We crawl through the season while others celebrate" After six Christmases without my Julian I know deep down inside that nobody gives a Shit except this forum. 

Comment by morgan on December 20, 2018 at 2:38pm

Yes, Linda,  I am trying my best to avoid the triggers that surround me right now but I know what this is going to be like.  Xmas Eve day I took my husband to the ER because he was filling sick and the day after Xmas we got his diagnosis of stage 4 cancer   He lasted 27 days.  

I am sending my sincere wishes that those of us who don't want to be here on earth without our spouses find a way to crawl through the season while others celebrate.  I plan to hide.

morgan

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 20, 2018 at 7:07am

I find myself sinking into a hole as Christmas Day is nearing. I am broken like this ornament I can never be put back together again.

Comment by Monty on December 19, 2018 at 4:07pm

Hi M Adams

christmas is  a hard one. i think ill try and again to get some safety glasses and some nerf guns.

last year that seemed to work ok.  couple drinks for the adults and let the kids shoot us and miss them mostly, it was a big hit.

also

some slapstick comedy (home alone , pink panther, grumpy old men and dennis the menace .. ect)

possibly even some youtube of robin williams

thats always uplifting.

apart from spending to much on presents for the kids..  i think it will be a small gathering.

I'm asking myself these days ..  how doe this (insert action / idea) improve my life as a career / father / man this seems to be helping a little to ensure that i maximise my spending in what is a very expensive time.

I've also looking at some websites.  

some of the websites may bee good for some people and or may have already seen them

https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/loss-grief-and-manliness-wh...

https://www.opentohope.com

i help every has the best day they can.

Comment by M Adams on December 19, 2018 at 12:42pm

Monty, that is so true about the unforeseen sensitivity — so many things, words, places, thoughts are really painful now, makes it very tempting to withdraw.  It’s not that I blame other people much, it is basically impossible for anyone outside the bereavement to imagine all the ways life can be traumatic now.  For a while after my husband died I kept accidentally driving to the hospital, then suddenly realizing where I was going and getting very upset behind the wheel.  I still avoid lots of places to avoid the pain and public tears, but you can’t really succeed.  There’s a tailor in our neighbourhood where I always wanted to get my husband a handmade suit — one of those things where you wonder why you put it off.  Now I try not to walk by that corner, but sometimes I forget.  

Have you come up with ideas to enhance your experience this Christmas? I’m still struggling.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 19, 2018 at 6:37am

Hello Friends,

Thank you all for sharing you thoughts. yesterday morning I was talking with my neighbor outside about our Husbands. I looked up at the sky and there was a small rainbow, there were no clouds just a clear blue sky. I know it was a sign from him. Joe, the quote you give is exactly what I tell everyone, it is engraved on my body.  

Comment by Monty on December 18, 2018 at 6:20pm

Corinne

i too am struggling with peoples expectations of me who mean well but ultimately they expectations do not enhance my life at all.

i am trying to focus only on things that enhance my life or the life of my loved ones (children / immediate family).

it is hard to remain focused on positive things when you are so sensitive to things that exacerbate your existing pain and trauma.

i wish you the best day you can have.

Warm regards Monty

Comment by Corinne C. Rico on December 18, 2018 at 4:25pm

I don't comment often but I do read many of the posts.  What I am finding particularly difficult after only losing the love of my life of 18 years back in September, is how people can compare the loss of a spouse to a a family member.  Do they not understand that you can't chose your family but our spouses are the ones that we chose and hoped to be with until we were old together?  Not to say that a family member loss is not meaningful, I am not saying that at all.  Its just different.  I also lost my Dad back in 2008, do I miss hime?  Of course I do I loved chatting with him.  I am blessed to still have my Mom and my sisblings but the relationship is entirely different.  The intimacy we had with our spouses is what we miss the most, the friendship, doing things together.  I have been crying for two days just thinking of how supportive he was in the delivery room when I gave birth to our daughter 15 years ago.  I will be honest, I am getting angry and resentful when people already after only 4 months are wondering why am I not better?  Are they kidding?  Every day is a fresh new hell for me without him being around.  I DO manage to DO things but not because I want to or have any desire to do them, but because I have no other choice.  Every morning I lay in bed not wanting to open my eyes or get up simply because I know he is not there.  I roll over in the middle of the night, put my hand out and the other side of the bed is cold and empty.  You all know what I am saying.  I am a pretty tough cookie of a woman but this has brought me to my knees.  I have never ever experienced such a void or emptiness in my life.  And these people in my life just don't get it.  I find it so offensive when they offer me stupid patronizing platitudes like oh sweetie, its just gonna take a bit of time.  For who?  Them?  Because my being ok again is going to make them ok?  Sigh, sorry, I needed to vent and this is the only place where I feel I am actually being heard and understood.

 

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