When will the ache subside?

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When will the ache subside?

A group for people who have lost loved ones with prolonged suffering. For those of us who have seen that the end is coming, and had to watch the ones we love creep toward it.

Members: 77
Latest Activity: Oct 16

Discussion Forum

It still aches, but I am able to cope with it better. 5 Replies

I have cried my eyes out for a year and a few months since my adorable husband passed away.  We were married 44 years, and it was our second marraige and we were as close as any two could possibly…Continue

Started by Georgia Garrison. Last reply by kathleen akin Aug 19, 2016.

Intros... 14 Replies

Who are you? Why are you here? Tell me about yourself.

Started by Desiree. Last reply by Tracey Bottoms Jan 29, 2012.

Intro 3 Replies

My name is Julie, I lost my sweet dad to Colon cancer feb 2005 and my dearest mom in august 2009 one day shy of her 68th bday.  I have no family to speak of, I have half siblings but we only know…Continue

Started by Julie Dolsey-Weiss. Last reply by Sue Waxman Jul 24, 2011.

Waking up from dreaming of my hubby today 2 Replies

today i woke up froma dream about jason and i of course bawled my eyes out when i woke up. dreaming of him is always so hard for me. even i don't see his face its like hes all up inside my head and…Continue

Started by roxydee. Last reply by roxydee Mar 15, 2011.

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Comment by Shannon Rutheford on August 17, 2016 at 9:53am

In January of this year, I lost my mother-in-law. My dad's girlfriend who I had known for years, my stepmom (long story here), 2 pets (one which died in my arms) and my Dad on August 4. I am so broken my broken is broken. Then today I found out that a friend of mine with cancer died 2 days after we almost lost our dad last year. I just feel like this never ends. I cannot grieve for anyone and my mom and dad hurt so much. 

Comment by JO B on December 30, 2012 at 3:45pm

we saw my dad suffer for yrs with resperty deses but did not sea his passing coming till it woz to late now we bigin to relize resperty deses runs in the family why i suffer from it to not as bad as my dad yet but i no whots going to happen 

Comment by Ilana Rabone on October 21, 2011 at 7:58am
I lost my mother to Ovarian Cancer a year and a half ago and I'm grieving like it happened yesterday!  My mother didn't suffer long.  She was diagnosed in December of 2009 and died in May of 2010 after her third round of chemo.  I didn't even get to say goodbye!
Comment by Cynthia Horacek on October 13, 2011 at 5:33pm

Dear Christine - I'm so sorry for your loss.  The ache doesn't really subside - at least for me; it just isn't there constantly now.  But when it is there, it's pretty much  "In  plain sight..." and not hiding out.  This month is hard; Don and I met in October, got engaged at Thanksgiving; the one year anniversary of his death is Nov. 12 and I'm already thinking about how to spend the day.  I'm seriously thinking of getting a hotel room on the beach and just being alone with myself and my thoughts.  But I feel that I need to talk to my daughters first and find out what their needs are; they are both married, one lives back east in NYC, and the other one, well, I'm not sure what she'll want.  

Hang in there.  Lost and broken is a good way to put the feeling into words - I still often feel that way.  I talk to him a lot; he just isn't there to answer me.  

Comment by Christine Sutton on October 13, 2011 at 2:27pm
well the name of the group says it all...I feel lost in the ache. I know it is only thirty days. However, I can't ever imagine this ache leaving me, subsiding, or me finding happiness in this world. I only want Steve back, which I know won't happen. I am lost and broken,.
Comment by Cynthia Horacek on August 13, 2011 at 5:55pm

Dear All -

We will all always have reminders of the person we loved - a smell, a sound, a song, a book, we'll find a card they gave us deep in a drawer somewhere - or a card we bought for them... after my husband died in November, I was "cleaning" out drawers and found a card I had bought to give him on Valentine's day, but obviously I didn't get the chance.  Whenever I read about someone "fighting the tears" I want to say, don't.  Don't fight the feelings; the hurt, the pain, the tears, the grief.  You will not get through this if you fight it; grief fights back.  The more you try to push down your feelings, they have no where to go, and they will come back with even more of a punch another time.  Grief is something we have to work; "work the process" I say.  It is a process.  My husband died last November; and I had to give up my dog in May - that broke my heart.  But I never stuffed my feelings; I just told people if I was out somewhere, "I may cry..." and everyone understood.  I sobbed through massages and manicures and neighbor's visits; I sobbed on the phone with my daughters and I found therapy to be a wonderful, safe place to let it out.  And there were days I simply called everyone on my calendar that day and cancelled.  And when people said, well okay, but you really need to get out and be with people... I just said, Yes, you're right, and thank you, but not today.  Then I stayed in bed, holding his hat or his pillow or wearing his robe and sobbed until there was nothing left.  I was exhausted afterwards, and my throat hurt, but it was a release.  One night I was having a meltdown and thinking of how many pills I would have to take to not wake up when my neighbor just "dropped by" to check in on me; I don't know how he knew I needed someone at that moment, but somehow, he did.  I'm getting teary now as I write this.  I miss my Don, I always will - I miss his arms around me, and my arms around him; I even miss helping him change his ostomy bag after his surgery.... I didn't think I'd ever miss that - but if it would mean having him here, I'd rather change that damn bag than not have him here.  But I have no say over what has happened.  He's at peace, he's out of pain, we all miss him terribly; my daughter is getting married in three weeks and looking forward to the wedding is joyful, but knowing he won't be there has all of us feeling the loss and sadness.  So my daughter wanted something at the wedding to honor him, and remember him, but she didn't want anything big and showy - not even a photo on what would have been his chair; so she's having a boutonniere made for him, and we'll just put that on a chair in the front row, on the aisle, and that will be for him.  

Well, there I am, rambling on as usual... I want to say this however, before I sign off...

It does get better, and it does get easier, and it isn't a betrayal of your loved one's memory, or of them; it doesn't mean you have forgotten them, or loved them less - it means that you are doing what you are supposed to do:  WORKING THROUGH it, and moving on.  I keep asking, what would he have wanted for me?  And he wouldn't have wanted me to take an overdose or pills or otherwise harm myself; he would have wanted me to stay stuck in my grief.  I am sad that his last few days on earth he wasn't very lucid most of the time, and I think he wanted to tell me something, but he couldn't.  He would reach out to me and mumble something but I couldn't understand him.  So all I could do was tell him I loved him, how much our life together had meant to me, all I was grateful for, that it was okay to let go and move on when he was a ready.  

So work the process; don't hold back.  There is no shame in grieving and if people don't understand, it's their issue, not yours.  Be strong for yourself and your loved on, and by that, I mean be strong enough to allow yourself to feel and cry or do whatever you need to do.

Take care of yourselves.  

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on August 13, 2011 at 3:39pm
i miss my mom, but dont think of her that much, i feel selfish....but she is with me, thats whats importnat....georgia sorry to hear about your husband honey, god bless, thats so hard....sorry for you too Nadine on your mom...i know the feeling
Comment by Georgia Garrison on July 20, 2011 at 4:52pm
I will always miss that wonderful husband of mine - ALWAYS. I have seen him in a vision 2 times and he is young and beautiful, so I know he is alright and happy. But as Diane Grell says, I am always hearing, smelling, feeling and hearing things that remind me and I have to fight crying like mad. At night just before going to sleep, I seem to have the worst time. But somehow we all adjust and cope a bit better, but I do not think it ever goes away and I am not sure I want it to.
Comment by Nadine Fox on July 4, 2011 at 4:18pm
hi everyone. Mom passed away on Jan 24th this year after spending since dec 19th in the hospital or rehap  places. she died peacefully and her choice and we were glad for that..her death just will suddenly pop up over something even silly. i'm trying to keep busy, it's not always working, and i tend to stuff my face...this is not good...on a good note i took our dog for a nice long walk today......
Comment by Diane Grell on June 28, 2011 at 4:17pm
Well, its been a while, work had been keeping me busy and I honestly started dating. But ya know what. I was listening to my headphones on the bus on the way home from work and Foreigners, "I want to know what love is". came on... I had to fight from crying all the way home. So... I guess there will always be something in a song, a smell, a sound. that will will always make you remember. By the way, the same day the song happened, the guy I was seeing who is also a widower, called me to tell me he isn't ready and for him it had been over 6 years. 
 

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