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Comment by marlene lovell on June 7, 2011 at 9:33pm

I look back on the day my husband died and wonder WHAT IF?.......I know I can not change what happened yet the scene keeps playing in my head like an endless loop......I also feel as if I hurried thru the first few weeks trying to get things done regarding his cremation and such, so now I feel as if I should have taken more time to just sit with him at the hospital even though I know it was just his body left behind.....but I tell myself ..I had our small daughter to get back to (It was 1 am in the morning when I was notified of his death)..I was starting a new career the day he died and could not miss work...now I feel as if I cheated myself out of that one last moment!!!!! Is this a common feeling...........

Comment by Semary Rose on June 7, 2011 at 9:27pm

Thank you, Denise and Karen R.  I was so fortunate that my oldest (4.5 years) happened to be spending the night with my dad and did not witness my horrific reaction and the sight of her daddy on the floor, dead.  There is a reason for everything.  My 2 year old slept through the whole ordeal.  I had to wake her up, past her normal arising time, just to send her off with my ever-dependable dad while I finished up the horrific ordeal with the funeral choosing, etc. 

Comment by Karen R. on June 7, 2011 at 9:20pm

Dear Semary, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You are right about this being so traumatic. I have a very good friend who experienced something similar with her husband at home and their children also witnessed her doing CPR, which unfortunately was unsuccessful. Fortunately for her, her parents sold their home and moved in with her. They are a huge support for her and I don't think she would be functioning as well as she is without them. We never know what this life will throw at us, I'm so sorry.

Comment by Annette on June 7, 2011 at 9:04pm

Denise,

Thank you, and yes this is a good place to share and try to get things out, and I am starting to see that.  I have started a scrapbook as soon as he passed so that I would be sure to remember everything and never forget, and when I want to remember the good times, I could go back and look at it...although lately it has been harder to look at these days without breaking down, so I have stopped looking at them...I can't bring myself to look at it,  And that is crazy because I feel the same way as you...I still keep telling myself to this day, maybe if i would have done this or that, he would still be here, and I constantly beat myself up about it...I know its not good, but I can't help it.  I have a journal that I write to him as a way to let everything out as well, and I started that the day after he passed.  So yes, it does help, thank you for the advice.

Comment by Annette on June 7, 2011 at 8:54pm

Karen,

Thank you, and I am sorry to hear about your loss as well.  That is how I feel...like its not fair...I don't know why he was taken from me, and why this had to happen to us.  I am glad that I was referred to this because this does help talking about it.  Even though it won't bring him back it helps ease the pain a little bit.  The person that took his life was caught a month after and also got caught with the same gun so he is in jail and is awaiting trial which begins in August.  I try to speak about him and what happen more now, but when it first happened it was hard to speak about it withouth breaking down.  But yes he did have a son that turned 4 last December, so now his son has to grow up without getting to know his father, and since he passed, and I am not allowed to see his son anymore, who I grew attached to as well, so it's like I lost both of them at the same time, which makes it hard. 

Comment by Denise Murphy on June 6, 2011 at 10:42pm

Hi Annette, Kelli, Karen, and Semary,

I am so sorry to hear of your losses, this is a great place to share keep coming back. I can only tell you what has helped me and that was difintely reading anything I could get about my specific loss and loss in general.  I also did scrapebook pages to memorialize the people I lost.  When it is a sudden loss it's such a shock to our system, I think recovering is a little harder.  I also went over it a million times in my head and I read a quote that helped me "Learning from the past is useful.  Dwelling on the past is destructive."  I realized it was very destructive for me because I wanted a different ending.  I kept thinking if maybe I did this or said that things could have been different.  Realizing I can't change what has happened it still left me missing them so much, so I wrote letters to my love ones and put them in my bible, when I'm feeling really sad I re-read them.  I also did a lot of journaling, this help me release some of those feelings. I hope that this helps a little, I will keep each one of you in my prayers .

God Bless,

Denise

Comment by Kelli C. on June 6, 2011 at 9:25pm

Thank you everyone for all of your kind words and thoughts.  As much as I am hurting, I feel that I need to reach out to all of you because you are dealing with such painful losses.  I just started reading a book about grief titled, "About Grief" by Ron Marasco and Brian Shuff and I can't put it down.  I feel like they wrote that book for me because it describes everything that I am going through, even playing over and over in my mind what happened to my brother.   I felt like I was going crazy, but they say that is a normal part of grief.   I'm putting this up here because maybe it will help you too.  I hope all of you know that I am thinking about each one of you and praying for you to have some kind of peace in hearts.

Comment by Semary Rose on June 6, 2011 at 9:05pm

Today was one week when I found my husband dead in our hallway.  I awoke at about 5am and he was not in bed and I went to look for him and there he was...as soon as I opened our bedroom door and turned to walk down the hallway....it was absolutely traumatic.  I screamed and screamed and was doing chest compressions.  I can't get that image out of my head.  I awake every morning at 4 or 5 and relive the entire ordeal each time I go down the hallway.  I am numb.  I haven't cried since his funeral.

Comment by Karen R. on June 6, 2011 at 7:57pm

Greetings Kelli, once again, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I am convinced that there cant be anything worse than losing someone that you cherish. I also agonize over the thought of what my son must have gone through when he stopped fighting for his life. My son was only 21yrs old when he was struck and critically injured while riding his friend's motorcycle. He was in the intensive care unit (ICU) for one week before he passed away. He looked so helpless as much as I felt so helpless. I am still in shock and I will NEVER except what has happened. It may sound irrational but for me, accepting would mean it's "OK" and it is NOT ok!  I long for my child so much. I try not to count but I think it has been 18 or 19 months since his tragedy. I still try to convince myself on a daily basis that none of this happened and that this is a nightmare that I cant seem to wake up out of. I even have days that I regret attending my son's funeral........I still cant believe that my son had a funeral! Just saying it, writing it, sounds like some foreign language. It's like if I didnt go, it never happened. I am just one big mess, emotions up and down, all over the place. I am so angry that my son did not get another chance. My heart is so broken. Thanks to all for listening...........again!

Comment by Karen R. on June 6, 2011 at 7:42pm

Thanks Anne for those encouraging words and I am truly sorry for your loss.

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