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Comment by Karen R. on July 5, 2011 at 8:57pm

Everyone, has anyone ever felt like they would use a medium to contact your loved one? I once read something that said that if you are grieving and mourning....that keeps your loved one here in this world and they can't cross over. I have been told that I am being selfish and my grieving makes my son sad and makes him feel like he can never leave me, the truth is, I don't want my son to leave me. I still can not accept what has happened and it is still extremely difficult for me to speak of my son in the 'past tense'. When I actually considered finding someone that may have the gift of communicating with my son, I was discouraged from a close friend because she said that could possibly invite unwelcolmed spirits or spirits that would pretend to be my son. I didn't pursue it, I just let it go. I was just really desperate to find out if my son could truly convince me that he is "OK" and that he is not angry. If he could just tell me he is ok then maybe I could begin to feel "OK" myself.

Comment by Karen R. on July 5, 2011 at 8:37pm

Thanks Mercy, Semary and everyone. I talk to my son everyday, that's why i especially like when I am alone because I don't have to worry about sounding or looking crazy to everyone else. I have to admit that I really do beat myself up over terminating his life support, I never share these thoughts with my family because of course they would tell me that's nonsense, it natural for them to tell me that it's not my fault.  I've even wondered if my son is angry with me for that. I really want to believe that he is ok but it is hard for me to fathom that he is ok without me and his family. I really want my son back!

Comment by Semary Rose on July 5, 2011 at 8:17pm

Guilt.  And lots of it.  Terrible, on going, bleeding thoughts of "what if...".  It is tormenting.  The only thing that I can do is completely change my mindset to something benign.  I know it is only delaying the inevitable, but I can only seek relief these days.  What if I had found my husband sooner than I did?  What if I had stayed up with him for a few hours instead of going to bed before he did?  What if I had made the doctor's appointment for him?  What if I threatened divorce if he didn't change his unhealthy habits?  Ugh.

Comment by mercy on July 5, 2011 at 6:58pm

Karen, your pain is so apparent and I hurt so much for you. I wish I could say the right words to give you comfort. All I know is you did what was best at that moment with the information that you had. I also struggle with guilt and regret since I was very adamant about the kind of treatment my mom should get. We had three options and I pushed what I thought was best. I keep wondering if the choice I made may have cost her her life? I Talk to mom everyday and tell her how sorry I am and how all I wanted was the best for her. Maybe I would have felt the same if I had gone with what my other sibblings wanted . I would probably have blamed them forever if the outcome would have been death. Maybe its easier to blame myself than someone else? My brother also died last year from a brain

hemorrhage. He wasn't taken to the best hospital at first and I always feel like if he had gotten the right treatment sooner, he would have had a better outcome? We will never know and that hurts so bad. Anyway, I hope we can both find peace in this difficult journey.

Comment by Ruth on July 5, 2011 at 1:47pm

Norma, I'd like to echo Karen and the others to say, I think of us whether we're on site or not.  I pray for healing words and thoughts that will hold us up and help us hold our loved ones up as well. And mercy and justice as well.

Comment by Karen R. on July 5, 2011 at 1:33pm

Hi Norma, I dont know if we will ever recover from this. You dont have to write everyday for us to think about you and your loss.

Comment by Karen R. on July 5, 2011 at 1:30pm

Hey Ruth and everyone. Hats off to you Ruth for handling those reporters like you did!

I know what it is like to feel like you are going crazy......even though I feel like I am already there!  Somehow, I manage to make through the day. Bedtime for me is still the worse, my mind spins with so many emotions. Many nights, its unbearable because, I can NOT grasp the concept of my son being gone. I am tormented by my thoughts of wondering how afraid my son must have been when he was first being chased and then being struck by that vehicle. My son did not lose consciousness right away, I know this from his medical record. As I lay there, the torment continues with my thoughts of how my son was in ICU as a "john doe" for 30 hrs before I knew where he was, all alone!!!!  I was told that they couldn't find any ID on him. I think about how helpless he looked and how helpless I felt, especially since I am a registered nurse that worked for that same hospital! I think about how I pleaded with my son to keep fighting for his life for a whole week, even though I was told that he was brain dead. I think about how him being gone is all my fault because I agreed to have his life support terminated. The crazy thing is, I thought that he would still breathe on his own because there were days when my son only needed assistance from the ventilator because he would breathe by himself even though he was in a coma. I blame myself because maybe I didnt give him enough time to recover. My rational, medically trained mind, did understand that he had multiple strokes that were seen on daily catscans, he had at least 4 strokes but I am a mom first.  I feel like my heart will never heal from this.   Thanks everyone.

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on July 5, 2011 at 5:03am

right, they know not what they do....thats the way to think about it anne....

Comment by anne on July 4, 2011 at 10:54pm

to all, People do and say alot of strange,rude and unexplained things when someone they know has lost a loved one. I have found that people who have never lost someone close think they are experts on the subject,but we all know that to not be true. When I have difficult times with others I just think to myself "forgive them for they are ignorant and know not what they do" That usually helps me. Trying to figure out why people do and say the things they do about drove me crazy. so I decided for me that the ones who really want to know and understand or are atleast willing to be patient with me without all the advice but with comfort, those are the ones that I keep close to me. It's not a lot of people but I prefer quality and understanding over quantity and ignorance. You are all of a unique kind of people. People that don't want or deserve to be in a club like this, but people who are willing to share their journeys with others who are trying to survive the same nightmare. I finds this very honorable and unselfish. We cant change the things others say and do, but we can change how we react to them. I will survive to the best of my abilty.

Comment by Ruth on July 4, 2011 at 8:01pm

Marlene, I hope we've helped a little bit. It helps me to write about everything.  Karen, your posts were the first ones on this site I read that I resonated with immediately.  Once again, what you say rings so true for me.  I'm not going to ask for permission for how I feel.  I didn't get to choose this state. I can choose some of what I do with these feelings but even then I am limited.  They are called feelings for a reason.  They are physiological states of the body as well as mindstream.  I know what you mean about putting "rehearsed" into quotation marks.  If anything, I rehearse being more composed than I feel.  I'm trying to keep a job, raise kids, love my husband,monitor the case and not go crazy, spinning out of control the way I feel inside.  Thank God before this happened I had discovered Universal Self-Acceptance. There's a lot to it but short version is " I am responsible for doing MY best. If I have done MY best, that is all I or anyone else can expect of me"  I don't have to be perfect or measure up to someone else's standards.  And I don't always have to respond.  Not every question deserves an answer; I just treat those like they're rhetorical if asked why I didn't respond. "Oh you actually wanted an answer from ME, are you sure?"  I've only had to do that twice and it coldcocked them.  You could see them "rewind the tape" and drop it. One was a misquoting reporter; interviewed me for 20 min. puablished one of my sentences, completely out of context, to mean the exact opposite of the point I was making for the 20 min. Next time they tried, I told them to have their editor call me so they could explain to her why I won't talk to them anymore. The editor called, they did a rewrite to my taste but I won't talk with them anymore, ever.  I'm not a phenomenon to be studied or dissected, I'm just a human trying to claw my way back out of this abyss.  We will love and cradle you with our virtual arms, knowing we can count on the same from our brothers and sisters here.

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