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I lost my soul mate in a motorcycle accident on April 15th and it feels like it just happened yesterday. He was my everything my whole world. He was the love of my life and an answer to my prayers. We did everything together and spent every minute together. He loved me more than anything. I don’t have a life without him he was my life. Now everything seems pointless and I want desperately to go be with my baby in heaven. I think constantly about how to kill myself but don’t believe I will because it wouldn’t be fair to my brother and mom. I don’t know how God could have let this happen; he knew I couldn’t be without my darling. I don’t know how to function with out him and I can still hear his voice talking to me. I still expect him to walk through the door with a smiling face excited to see me and pick me up in a big hug.
I am filled with regret and guilt that is so overwhelming I can not bear it. I didn’t get to tell him how he was my heaven on earth and I loved him unconditionally before he died. There was so much that was unsaid and we had been fighting the last couple of days. I am only 24 and can not imagine ever being with anyone else. I feel as though I’ve been sentenced to a life of misery and wish I was older so my death was in sight. I know that the love we shared is something I can not even begin to explain it was so deep and could never even come close to being replaced. People say it gets easier with time but for me it gets worse. And I am about to pull my hair out and trash the house going crazy if I can’t see him soon. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. We lived in a world created for just me and him and now I am left all alone. I just wonder why him?? Of all the people in the world why my sweetie? I need him. I don’t know what to do.
Sorry to hear of your loss. I am 7 months into losing my babe suddenly. And I wonder why too. At this point I feel very empty, but not as much. The cycles of grief have been a bit less severe as time passes, but I have to be very cautious with my daily life, in fear of panic attacks.
If you can find a counselor or like in my town there is a hospice that provides council. Otherwise there is GriefShare.org which you can get daily e-mails that can help. The e-mails have helped me realize what the cycles are about somewhat. They are Christian based (I am an athiest, but do not refute).
Hang on, nobody knows why! But we have to continue. Hope you can find some sunshine in the days ahead of you
Im so sorry for your loss. I guess we just always feel like something like this could never happen to us, at least i did. Ive been having really bad anxiety and panic attacks too. I have to go back to work and am having such a difficult time composing myself. Thanks for sharing about GriefShare.com. I dont know where to turn and dont have any close friends because Michael was my world and best friend.
Well, that's what we all say, why him/her, why not me? Why are we left here to suffer for what seems eternity, more than their brief death experience? They are the lucky ones. I asked God the same thing; ya got these spirits over here and then you got these spirits over there, back and forth, what's the point? What strange cruel system is this? The gift of humanity is the capacity to love so deeply and truly and then zap, bye, that's over. I wouldn't think about chasing after someone on the other side though; who knows what more craziness and uncertainty will be there? Kind of like Alice through the looking glass. There's no guarantee we could find them; I just believe that our personality in this life is special, unique and then its gone; if we lived forever we would have no sense of purpose or importance; however, I think our souls go back to the giant fold of the life force through the higher power and we will meld with all those we love again and be ecstatic. Each relationship we experience is a taste of that meaningful unique bond with the higher power and although our loved ones may not be here physically, our love will live forever in the universal story. I hope that helped a little. I wish you some love and soothing on your broken heart. xo
Hi Maura, when i think about this so called system of life i get infuriated. I wonder the same thing; why would we be given the ability to love so deeply and intensely for it to be taken away? I do believe my baby is in heaven and we will be together when i die but being here without him is unbearable to say the least. I cannot even think of the possibility i will never be with him again. We had our whole lives to live together and now im left here for a life sentence of misery and pain. I am now questioning Gods way of setting everything up. Why is it set up this way? It seems like life is some kind of evil game. Thanks for your insight
So sorry for your loss. I really understand what you're going through. Pretty much everything you've written is how I've been feeling. I lost my husband on 4/27/12. We did everything together. Neither of us had much family so it was just the two of us. Now it's just me. I've also been getting the GriefShare.org emails like A. Buyten and they help a little. There's also a Facebook group called Stepping Through Grief that also sends out a daily email for 30 days to help with what you're going through. It's so hard to be the one left behind. I wonder why all the time. Just know that you're not alone.
Its hard to believe that people live through this kind of pain. And i can so relate to how it was just you and him and now feel you have no one. It was always Halie and Michael and now its just Halie. He really was my other half and now im just an empty shell existing. Im so angry with God for splitting us up like this. We were ment to be together.
Hi Panni, I am so sorry. And yes its a shock, that i dont think will ever wear off.
Sorry for your loss. This grief path is by far the most difficult journey I have ever endured in my life. I too am young. Never did I imagine being a widow at the age of 27. My husband was my life, my bestfriend, soulmate, everything. And how do I get use to living a life without him? how can you? nothing in life prepares you to loose someone unexpectly and in seconds your life changes upside down. It has been past 1 year of his passing and it still hurts too much. I miss him more than ever..
You will find great people on this site. Please take care of yourself.
Hi, I am struggling through these cycles. Sometimes it is mediocre and bearable, but then it just gets harder, again. Anyone that has any helping words would be appreciated. I am not near the person that i was and am considering prescriptions (am very against), but wish to deal without. My stresses come from those in my life who expect me to be me before my loss. I just can't, it hurts me that I am not able to. Any suggestions?
Obviously age has nothing to do with this; I am nearly 60, been married twice and assumed this time I would get it right and have someone with me through my golden years; my beloved Ricky used to tell me every day with me was like Christmas morning but now it has become hell on earth, a nightmare and I wish I would never wake up. I am only glad I can share and know that its not a good thing that there are others who know what I'm feeling. Everyone take care and hope for the best.
I agree with you Maura; age dosn't determine how difficult something like this is. I believe it depends on how strong the love was between two people. Michael and me were so close that we became one person. When you said Ricky would tell you every day was like Christmas morning with you (thats so darling:) i think of all the sweet things Michael would say or do for me (the list is endless). People are saying "those are the things you need to hold on to and will make you smile in your life to come." Im thinking "what?" First off i dont have a life without him and it brings me intense pain to know that i had everything i wanted and sooooo much more with my Michael for it to be snatched away from me. How can I live without my Love? I cant, Im just a dead shell.
Hey A. Buyten, dont worry about what other people say especially when their telling you how you should be feeling or acting. Thats just crazy. There is no way people could even imagine what kind of pain this causes unless they go through it themselves. I will never be the same or even close to it for as long as i can manage to live here in this hell. How could I?? I lost the love of my life. And I lost him when everyone else is beggining their life. The way i see it people should be happy I am figuring out a way to breath in and out every day. You always hear everyone say life is unfair but for us it is beyond unfair. It is cruel. I understand how you feel. You shouldn't have to put up with any stress outside of what has happen to you. You seem like a strong person though.