My name is Valerie and I recently joined this forum as a recommendation from my therapist. I lost my boyfriend suddenly to a pulmonary embolism. It really was the only time in my life I had felt part of a family. He had a 3 year old son that called me mommy and I couldn't have children so that would be the only time in my life that anyone would ever see me as a mom. 

I walked into the livingroom and found him dead on the couch as I was calling 911 I was in utter disbelief that this was happening. I really had no idea that when they took him away that would be the last time I would ever see his body. His family quickly had him cremated and while I did go to what funeral they had for him which only was a graveside service for his ashes. It was just over so quickly and I just would spend weeks upon weeks crying not only for him but for my relationship with his little boy who I would never get to see again even after several requests to his mother to let me see him. I could not go thru his things or even look at them yet. It would be almost 2 years before I could look thru his belongings. November it will be 3 years since he passed away I have spent a large part of that time feeling like I myself have died, I became a recluse that I will not go anywhere or do anything as if I am afraid to live my life again.

I developed extreme anxiety and panic attacks, I have been in therapy for a while on different medications I still feel sad and lost and I am not really sure how to fix myself. I used to be a really strong independent person now I feel like my life just fell apart.

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Hi Valerie,

I can understand your pain. I lost my girlfriend suddenly. Here one day and gone the next. I struggled with anxiety and found it difficult to do things for a long time without breaking down. It would come unexpectedly, so I hesitated getting out of the house.

I now have been able to feel somewhat normal, but scarred and do not feel that I can be the same. I am happy now to just feel ok, I don't need to feel terrific. It has been 5 1/2 years and have found that as time passes it does get easier to deal with the grieving process. I haven't not thought of her every day since.

I keep a lot of her things around my house as well as most of her ashes. I also keep contact with her wonderful family. Mostly her mom and son. I am glad to have them in my life as well as my good family and friends that have given me lots of support along the way. Without them it would be a tougher road.

I hope you have the support that you need. Take care.

Valerie,

Like you I felt I was such a strong person before my husband died.  Now all the same things you have written about apply to me too.  Reclusive, not wanting to engage with people, still breaking down almost daily and the meltdowns just come like a bolt out of the blue.  Never would have imagined this would now be what some call life.  I cant really call it life.  And the reason I avoid any kind of engaging with the outside world as little as I can is because I too am easily pushed into full blown anxiety.

I do believe it is part and parcel of what the grief does.  I read on here all the time and write and over the three plus years for me it seems we all suffer and react about the same way when we have had a relationship that was everything to us.  As  A.Buyten says it does get what one could call a little easier, I think it is for me just that I can function a bit better rather than being totally immobilized but inside I am broken and that will never change.

I wish there were answers for how we could better manage the loss of our beloved but it seems this is pretty much the way our lives change.  So sorry......I constantly wish it was different.  I constantly wish I had him back in my arms.

Morgan

I appreciate your words...both of you and am so sorry for ur losses..
Wish we all related a bit less... my loss involves 2 family members and my sister being the most recent... with a 6 week suddenness to it...I was in a work meeting 2 days ago and randomly asked someone I barely knew how familiar with grief she was cause it was as usual the only thing on my mind. She started crying saying 10. And that she lost the love of her life less than 4 months prior..all we could say to each other was we were so sorry. She asked me if I found people didn't know what to say and so say nothing!? I was sorry she also understood... sigh... hard hard...she is trying to rebuild... but How how how!?...miss miss miss her so much... I just want to call her, see her...it's day 40 now and still so so far as the fundrall..why aren't there monthly funerals the 1st year?... brother now even stopped coming bye. And now on top of holidays approaching we have birthdays...in just ahhhh 9 days, bro turns 40. Mom reminded me and but her out of state how will all this happen...sister was the planner.... I need a cave. I will survive...I want her and can't have her... I cry at the store, cry trying to clean...I want to buy 10 huge white flags, I give up..I just can't this sucks, sucks sucks... I'm mad and want my sister...now! I just curl up and am not comforted...cry and am not comforted think and remember and look at pics and am not comforted...now I'm sick on top of my sadness and that just about does me in....life, go away...sun go away, rain you are not wanted...wind n birds... go away...anything that reminds me of her...just be gone!... grr grrr hiss! All too much...more tears and more uncomforted heart!

I found that when your in grief that everyone seems to disappear and they only reappear when they think the worst of the muck may have passed. Essentially you are left alone with your thoughts, pain, scenerios of the would of, could of, should of. I blame myself for my BF death days before he passed away the signs were there he was very short of breath and his leg was hurting I did ask him to go to the ER however I didn't even know what a pulmonary embolism was until several weeks later. So I have an immense amount of guilt associated with his death. I really just feel dead myself and numb.

Hi Valerie,

I recently spent the day with a friend that lost her mother a year ago. She said that she feels guilty for not doing more. When she did so much more than her sisters and brother. So I suggested that it is not guilt and it should not be confused with caring more than her siblings.

I have been through a lot aside from the loss of my girlfriend and have been very thankful that there seems to be an angel of sorts that comes into my life at the right times to help lift the weight.

I am hoping that you find someone or something to lift your weight. It is very important to me to have friends or family that can understand and listen.

Take care : )

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