How do I carry on with my life...?

My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 51 just 5 weeks ago. It was a huge shock to me and my family. It was two weeks before my wedding to the man I have been with for 8 years. My mother had helped me plan the wedding and was more excited than we were, me and my mum were best friends and spent every minute together. I carried on with the wedding and even had a nice time but the honeymoon was a struggle and now that we are back I am beside myself with grief. I fear that I am already pushing him away, he is extremely supportive and caring but I fear that I resent him. My dad rang him first when it happened and he came to the school where I worked to tell me, I play the words over in my head all day long. He has not always had the closest relationship with his mum and although it is the most selfish awful thing to say and find myself resenting the fact that she is still here and was at my wedding and my mum who was in our lives everyday was not. I hate the person I am becoming to have those feelings.
My biggest fear is the future. I cannot imagine a future without my mum and when we talk about it now I don't imagine living long enough without her to have a future. All of our plans for the future involved her heavily and now I feel I don't want anything. I don't know how to survive without her and although I try I fear that I will lose my new husband too as I can't seem to help but push him away.
Does anyone have any advice on what to do?
Thank you Leanne

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Permalink Reply by Felicia Evans on September 5, 2015 at 1:44pm
Hi I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know what I would have done without my mom at such an early age. My mom passed away last year at 84 years old. Even though we knew she would die soon it was still hard. Then 4 month later my nephew died unexpectedly. He was only 46 and had 7 kids. His wife was devastated we all were. It's still hard to make it without thinking about him and my mom. Before my mom got sick and couldn't talk anymore she told me to live out the life God has for me. My nephew was very close to her and said he didn't want to live without her. It's tough but I'm taking one minute at a time, one hour at a time, and one day at a time. What I would say to you is to think about going to grief counseling. My therapist really helped me and is still helping me. Plus I pray...a lot. At first I was mad at God but I have since asked God for forgiveness. I know nothing happens by accident and He has a plan even if I don't understand it and it hurts. Take time to grieve and allow your husband to help. Don't push him away. He loves you and you love him. There is a reason why you married him and your mom helped you with your wedding so she must have wanted you to be happy with your husband. It's going to take a while for the grieving process...take your time.

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