I lost my father suddenly and unexpectedly on July 11, 2013.  We knew he had pneumonia but he was given medication and sent home and according to him was fine.  He was only 60 years old. He had not responded to a text from a friend and that friend went to go check up on him.  He did not answer his door and that friend called the police.  They broke down the door and found him dead sitting at his kitchen table.  I later found out he also knew he had COPD for several years and hadn't told anyone.  I have a lot of guilt associated with his death, from not checking up on him more when he was sick, to guilt of the anger I feel with him for not taking better care of himself and for leaving my brother and I so much to deal with (other thing we found out: he had also basically become a hoarder, no will, debt we didn't know about, etc).  Those feelings are ones I have been able to deal with a little bit, and know they are common, etc, but it's still hard even 3 months later.  I thought it would get easier and it hasn't.  

The biggest issue that I have right now is constant worry.  I used to be able to sleep any time, any where, soundly.  Now, I have nightmares that another person in my life has had something horrible happen to them.  Every time the phone rings I worry that it's going to be horrible news again.  Has anyone else experienced this?  What has helped?

Views: 217

Replies to This Discussion

im so sory for yore loss cathryn i lost my dad lst yr 3rd mrch 2012 at 220am but his postmorten wz so full of bull 3 difrnt repoerts 3 difrnt tms im gong by tm me mum got th we got th at 230am we had a teligram delived 2 door early in morng tellng us 2 get th stare away but tryng 2 get a taxi tht tm in mrng is so hrd 

my dad also had c op d lk i hav erly stges of it i no abot fone thng 2 bean bad news coz latly it has bean bad news wn s1 fonesthes lst 2 yrs hav bean a lot of bad news me mum hav lost so mny peple frnds nboz famly sad thngs is only tm i sea family is at a funrell i no it sonds sad

sory if iv saed wong thngs

I to am sorry for your loss. My father in law fell several times in the assisted living facility. The last fall was the one that caused a brain bleed that took his life. We had visited many times and knew he was going to pass away but NOTHING can prepare you for that call. When you feel safe that your parent is "fine" and you get a call out of the blue it has to be terrible. As you say all of us are subject to death and no person as at lease on unending life. However, if you are in constant fear of loosing someone to the point of not getting enough sleep then you are putting yourself at risk of being the call that your family is devastated by. So what can you do? Do you believe the Bible? If so it can answer any questions you have and give hope for the future. True time and unforeseen occurrences befall all, but we can take good care of our health and take reasonable precautions as we go about our everyday lives.

It is a matter of focus. What we focus on is what our life becomes. I have psoriatic arthritis and the bones are eroding in my hands - it is very painfull - but if I focus on the pain, that is what I see, more pain. However, if I focus on what I can do and the many joys of my life, my life becomes happier and I can do more. I focus on God's promises of a paradise earth and no more death or sickness. It is what I look forward to that makes me happy. I hope you will be able to look forward soon. But remember, I will be happy to listen anytime day or night.

Isaiah 41:10 & 13; Psalms 37:10, 11, 29; Revelation 21:4

Brenda

Am just reading now a small guide to coping with sudden loss.  I feel that the first two to three months are hell and that is how it worked for me at least.  I oscillate between denial and recognizing the fact that I have to find a way however long it takes. 

Hi Cathryn,

Reading your story reminded me a lot of my own - I lost my dad, unexpectedly, on October 30, 2013.

He was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis - a few years back - but was doing okay. Then suddenly, he took a turn for the worse; he suddenly got extremely weak, tired and had a lot of trouble catching his breath. We kept trying to encourage him to go to the doctor, but he kept putting it off. On a Tuesday morning, a couple of weeks later, he wound up getting rushed to the ER and by Wednesday evening, he was gone.

I feel guilt and anger, over a lot of different things in regards to his death, but I know that there was absolutely nothing that we could have done to prevent it from happening. My dad was extremely stubborn and he did things on his own schedule and the harder we pushed, the harder he would push back. And because this is my first really big, gut-punching, heart-wrenching loss, I also worry about losing the people that are close to me now - especially my mom, since she has a lot of health issues.

The only thing I know to do is talk about how I'm feeling and hope that eventually these feelings subside but take comfort in knowing that you're not alone in how you're feeling :)


Hi Cathryn, I am so sorry for your loss. I have also lost my father unexpectedly, and it hurts every day. I have a lot of guilt associated with my dad's death, because the last few years his alcohol use had really become an issue and I was starting to resent him and pull away from him. Now, I look back and wonder what more could I have done to make our relationship better. Regarding your current situation, I am also constantly full of worry. I always make everyone text me when they are home safe, and I don't like to be too far away in case anything bad happens and I need to come home. I have tried talking to a one on one counselor, which didn't help me much because I just cried the whole time. With that being said, I often find that crying lets me release some of my emotions, and helps me sleep a little better. Sorry, I know that probably doesn't help. I also use OTC melatonin (I swear by the CVS brand.) It's a natural supplement that adds to the melatonin already in your brain to help you sleep. When I really worry, I have panic attacks and bad anxiety so I do have a prescription in case my nightmares/worries get really bad, but I don't like to take them. In addition to texting family/friends to make sure they are safe, I also try to take a few minutes to myself to decrease my anxiety and worries. I sit alone in silence and watch tv, knit, and breathe. Giving myself a few minutes alone helps me to relax. I hope this helps! I will be refering back to your post often, since I feel like we are in similar situations. Remember to breathe!

My dad died suddenly in August and I understand what you are saying.  Whenever my mom calls I go into panic mode.  It seems to be getting a little better for me though.  I also constantly wonder when I or others in my family are going to die.  But I feel like a hypocrite because i am not taking very good care of myself lately.  All I can think about it is the night that he died, when my mom called in a panic to tell me to go to the hospital (little did we know, he was already dead) 

RSS

Latest Activity

Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Assumptions

An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true.  Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions.  This is where I find myself today...Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking…See More
Mar 13
Profile IconCari Jo Converse, Jennifer and James D. Thornsberry joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 13
Profile IconMarina Dsouza, Leah, Sandra M Aaron and 5 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 5
esther joined HollowHeart's group
Thumbnail

Sibling Loss

This group is for anyone that has lost a brother or sister. Sibling loss is often minimized and people don't realize how devastating losing a sibling can be. I lost my older sister and my life will never be the same. She was my only sibling, I looked up to her, I went to her for everything. I lost my past, present and future. It is traumatic.See More
Mar 4
Speed Weasel posted a video

Sun Keeps Risin'

Provided to YouTube by The Orchard EnterprisesSun Keeps Risin' · Lissie · Elisabeth Corrin Maurus · Martin CraftMy Wild West℗ 2015 Lionboy RecordsReleased on...
Feb 26
Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Triggers Continue to Surface

Late February is a challenging time of year for me.  Jen’s birthday is the 23rd and serves as an annual reminder of all of the potential that was lost…Her’s (mainly), mine, the world’s honestly.  This year she would be 52…It is increasingly hard to imagine, through all of the iterations possible, what she could have become, what was to be her (significant) impact on the world.That being said, things, emotions, have largely settled down since I committed a potential version of what could have…See More
Feb 15
Michelle joined Gyla Lynn Darden's group
Thumbnail

Loss of a child In memory of my son or daughter

This group focuses on healing ourselves and each other over the death of a child and welcomes a Christian atmosphere to help with the healing process. I welcome all of those grieving.See More
Feb 8
Tammy McLaughlin and Rosie are now friends
Jan 30

© 2024   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service