I am new to this .. I first wrote in the sudden, traumatic loss group, but now see there is a group for people who have lost loved ones to murder. My dad was murdered almost 6 months ago.  The people responsible have not yet been arrested, but they are known to me and my family and the investigation continues.  I struggle every day.  The person most responsible was someone my dad loved, who was supposed to love him too.  He was all alone when he died, with only the two people who killed him. He fought back, but was too weak. I have terrible thoughts about how alone he must have felt and how there was no love with him when he died. I am haunted and traumatized by imagery of his death and how it happened.  I am traumatized by imagery of what happened to his body during the autopsy.  He was buried without his brain and for some reason, that just destroys me.  When I visit his grave, I don't know if he can feel me.  My family and I had to do a lot of investigation ourselves and hire experts, etc. in order to get law enforcement engaged.  The autopsy report has not been released yet, the investigation continues.  I want to be at peace, but feel like I can't until there is justice for him. This is the worst experience of my life. I adored him. I miss him. I really, really feel cheated.

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Oh God!!  I am soooo sorry that you feel this way too but I must admit that it is good to know that I am NOT the only person in the world going through this. 
I know!  I went to therapy and cried and cried and vented and vented, and paid $150 an hour for a great therapist, but it didn't help because what I really needed was to talk to others who are going through the same thing who understand what this feels like.  I know I will go back to therapy when i am ready to try to heal, but for now, I am too angry.  And therapy doesn't work when you are angry and it doesn't yet feel right NOT to be angry.  I don't want to heal - I want her to suffer.  This is a weird place to be.  I am glad I am not alone too.  Feel free to write to me any time you need to talk. It helps me too.

Dear ZM

I just saw your group.  I too lost my dad to murder.  It was 3 1/2 years ago.  Hang in there, keep praying for justice, follow your heart.  We have had so many ups and downs with Daddy's case.  There was setbacks because of politics and corruption, nothing personal you understand, just fallout from horrible people that don't do the right thing.  We had to be advocates for my dad as well, though I feel the investigators themselves were not the problem and tried to be supportive.  I cry all the time because there are so many triggers for the imagery associated.  I have all the same imaginings.  I cry because we could not honor all his funeral arrangements and don't know if we will ever be able to.  I've had to play political games that I never wanted to play.  I left WashingtonDC I hated that crap so much and land in it up to my ears 20 years later.  But momma didn't raise no fool and finally the case is under way.  The murderer was charged in May with 1st degree intentional homicide.  This was years after local papers had written about his unsolved case as "getting away with murder" etc.  It might feel different/" better" once they are charged but new things come up to muddy the feelings river as well.  I have more anger and less grief, I feel less (false)shame ( for not being able to protect him) and have been able to seek outside support more for all these feelings.  I feel less fear over my security but more fear over losing self-control in anger.  There is no measurement for the lows of this experience but it has made me appreciate kindness that much more.  Thank you for starting this group. Ruth

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