Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
z. m.---so sorry to hear of your traumatic loss. When you lose someone to murder it is so different than grieving for someone who has died in another way. My brother was murdered june, 2008. He was stabbed to death. I still have a hard time sleeping because of the images I have of him fighting for his life and then laying there suffering and dying while people watched. It is horrible!!! They still do not have the people, (or person,) who murdered him.
Do not worry about your dad being buried without his brain. He can still hear you......His soul is still with you.
I pray your family gets justice soon.
Thank you for writing to me and helping me. I am so very sorry about your brother. I understand exactly what you feel and how the imagery stays with you. It must be especially hard for you because it was so violent and he was young.
This process is not like anything i ever expected. The people responsible for killing my dad are his wife and her boyfriend, who is 20 years younger than she is. They are still free, but at least the investigation continues and the manner of death has not yet been released from the coroner's office. My dad had changed his will and didn't tell her, so in his own way, he had the last laugh. She is contesting the will - and I am being accussed of torturing, abusing, coercing, and hurting him. She is accusing me and my sisters of doing this to get him to change his will, all the while she and her boyfriend planned and carried out his murder. If she had known that my dad had changed his will, he might still be alive. She hadn't counted on that and thought she would have everything. It is so horrible. She is horrible. My first real experience with a sociopath.
I worry about how I will be if they decide not to charge her. Will I be able to get past it? How do you manage this, Donna? I try to remember how lucky I am to have had time with him before he was murdered. I try to remember that she cannot take away what was good between us. He was not a perfect father, but I loved him and would have done anything for him.
I pray for you too. And your family and your brother. Thank you for reaching out to me. You are the first person in 6 months who understood what this is like.
I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are managing. Are you okay?
My stepmom has not been charged for killing my dad yet. The investigation is open and progressing but SO slowly, its killing me. I have been struggling and feel like I am drifting through my life with unfinished business. I never feel settled. Years ago I started trying to live in the present moment and not live as if waiting for something to change or happen. Now I feel I am back to living as if waiting for something to happen before I can be okay. I get through my days. I do what I can to work on my dad's case - staying in contact with the police and DA, etc. I can be present for my son most of the time.
But always in the back of my mind is the question, Will she get charged today? Will she pay for what she has done? Will I be vindicated publically - she tells everyone that my dad had dementia (he didn't) that he was abusive (he wasn't) and that I stole from them (the last time I asked my dad for money was 1998 and he gave me $200 for school). I wish I could sue her for slander. But mostly, I want her to suffer in prison for the rest of her life. I'm going crazy waiting for something to happen.
I hope the person who murdered your brother is dead or in prison for something else. I hope he suffers and hates his existence. I wish justice for you too. Are there any leads on your case?
In my prayers,
I am really sorry it took me this long to write back. I was out of the area. I am sorry about your pain - I can feel it and know what you are going through. Thank god they know who it is. Don't worry about what his attorney is doing. They have to file motions like that because it's their job. It doesn't mean that the man responsible will get away with anything. He will pay.
None of this is right. None of it is fair. I want my stepmom to pay for what she has done too. I don't want her to get the death penalty - I want her to have everything that matters to her taken from her. All her money and her freedom. I want her to suffer among her own kind. And I want vindication. There are many people she told lies to about me and my siblings. It was part of her strategy to isolate him from his children. Many people think, still, that she was the dutiful wife and they have no idea that she stole from him, abused him, had affairs, and ultimately planned and carried out his murder.
If she does not get charged with it, I have to find a way to be okay for myself and my family. I have a son and husband who need me. That's the thing I want you to keep in mind. Both of us will have to figure out how to keep these monsters from robbing us of anymore. Do you know what I mean? At some point I will need to choose, no matter what happens to her, to try to live my life fully and not let her steal anything else from me. I'm not there yet, but I know I will get through this and be okay. I want you to know that too.
Please keep in touch with me.
I understand that this would be very hard to go through. I've been involved in murder trials before (as a defense investigator) and it is really, really upsetting and awful. I hope that the DA offers 2nd degree. You are right to want to avoid the trial. As long as he rots in prison forever - that will be justice.
The coroner is waiting for a second, more experienced pathologist to do an independant review regarding the cause of death. It has been nine months since his murder. Every day that passes we discover more crimes she has perpetrated against my dad and family. Tons of theft crimes. Prescription fraud. On and on. If she does not get charged with murder, I will have to take comfort in her going to prison for the other crimes. The DA is waiting for the pathology report before charging everything. I just have to be patient. And it is hard to be patient as she goes through her life doing what she wants and spreading lies about me and my sisters. Someone called me last week - someone I've never met - to let me know that she has been telling people that I tortured my dad until he changed his will. The irony of that just really gets me.
I want to be there when she is arrested. I hope the police let me watch.
I keep you in my thoughts.
Z.M. - I understand completely. My mother was murdered, strangled, by my father. Fortunately, I was not there to witness it, but I am still haunted by images of what it must have looked like. As difficult as it is to forget the physical aspects of my mother's death, I try to focus on the fact that she is not suffering now; she is at peace; as is your father.
Thanks Ester for writing to me. I am really sorry about your mother - and so sorry about who did it. I really hope you are okay and have good support.
I know my dad is not in pain and am grateful for that. I want him back. I want her pubically outed for the murdering, whoring fraud that she is. She is 73. Her boyfriend who helped kill my dad is 53. I need for both of them to be punished and to suffer. This has been the worst experience of my life. I am sick over it. I cannot stop being obsessed, constantly pre-occupied with what this horrible woman has done to me, my poor dad, and the rest of my family. The woman has not been charged yet. The autopsy results are not back even though it's been almost a year since he was murdered. I did all the investigation - my family paid for experts and we hired someone for surveillance, everything. Finally, last week she was charged with 3 felonies for using my dad's health insurance to get meds for her boyfriend. Be ause my dad wrote a new will right before she killed him, she's suing me now alleging that I tortured and forced my dad into rewriting his will. I actually have to go to court and listen to these horrible lies while she is being investigated for murdering him. I feel physically ill every time I have to sit in court, or in depostition, spending thousands of dollars to defend my father's will and defend myself. I adored my father. I'm not getting better with time. It's getting worse for me.
That totally sucks. Please know that just cause the asshole is recanting, doesn't mean a jury won't still get to consider it. Did the DA say that the confession would not come in? Second degree is 25 to life - he could get paroled in 25 years - so his lawyers must feel like they can beat this, otherwise they would advise him to take the plea bargin. It is also possible they his lawyers told him to be smart and take the offer, but he refused because he is a delusional sociopath who thinks he can get away with it.
That is what assholes like him do - they recant, they lie, they make shit up - whatever they want to do to serve themselves. My shit step mother plays poor victim constantly and will, I'm sure, when she gets to court for the 3 felonies she has been charged with - will make up huge lies. that's what she does, but that does not mean anyone will believe her. Right?
I totally feel your pain. I feel like you do - like this constant state of anger, hatred, upset, fog, victimization, and it isn't going away. I thought I would get used to it or the pain would subside, but it hasn't. Having to deal with her shit accusations against me and my sisters and my 82 year old mother who never ever would have hurt my dad or anyone else, ever, is keeping this wound wide open - I can't get away from it. I am still in shock that my dad is dead, and more shock that anyone would file legal papers alleging any kind of abuse on my part. My dad left me 10% of his estate. Its not a lot and I didn't ever expect anything to begin with. The last time I asked him for money was in 1996 when I was in law school and couldn't pay my rent. He sent me $200. And I was grateful for the help. I put myself thru undergraduate school too, and never expected him to help me or give me anything. I was totally fine with that. So to have to read court documents where she paints me to be a money grubbing monster - it its just too much. No wonder I can't move on. Her fucked up kids actually wrote letter to my family and called us "money grubbing." SO fucked.
And I can't stand the waiting for her to pay and suffer. This is not usually how I am in the world. I am a forgiving person with empathy and compassion for others, etc., but it was my dad. My little , disabled 83 year old dad. I feel hate in a way I have never experienced.