On December 20, 2012 my younger sister was murdered.

Her and her boyfriend of 6 years had a very toxic relationship. Neither one of them was completely faithful and they both drank way more than they should have. He never had a job, just stayed home and played video games all day. She worked two jobs and had recently went back to school. She grew tired of how they were living and she grew tired of the relationship that they built. She wanted to leave.

In the early morning hours of 12/20 her neighbor heard them fighting. She said the walls were shaking from them yelling so loudly. She said she heard my sister yell for help. Help that never came for her. Her boyfriend stabbed her 55 times. How could one human being do that to another? He left her there to die, alone, as he went to his friends place. He confessed to his friend what he had done and then hung himself. He chose to leave this world. She had no choice. She tried to fight him off, she tried to get to her front door. She wanted to live. 

Anger, fear, shock, sorrow, grief, denial, sadness, anxious, regret, sorry, lost, empty, alone and a million other emotions that I can't describe with words are what I feel everyday. I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to handle this. I tell myself everyday that this can't be real. The police must have wrongly identified her, the woman laying in the casket at her viewing was just someone else who bared a striking resemblance to Becky. By the end of each day I finally realize that this is my new reality. This is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life. And then the anger starts again. 

How dare he take her away from us. How can he be so thoughtless and selfish? I hope that he will burn in hell for eternity. I'm angry at his friends and family for defending him. For hoping that he will 'rest in peace'. For thinking that his actions are justified by her infidelity. Then comes the fear. Fear that I'm capable of hating one person so much, that I'm capable of wishing such a horrible thing onto another person. I'm afraid to sleep because more often than not, I dream about Becky and what he did to her. And then the regret. Regret that I hadn't seen her since the Christmas before. Regret that I hadn't spoken to her since her birthday in September. Regret that I didn't try to spend more time with her. Regret that I allowed my disapproval of her relationship to dictate how much I saw her. Regret that I wasn't a better big sister for her. 

I talk to her everyday, hoping that where ever she is she can hear me. I tell her I love her and I miss her. I tell her I'm sorry for what has happened to her and sorry for all the unspoken words that I should have said to her but never did. Sorry that she'll miss her nephews growing up and sorry that my youngest son will never know her the way that my oldest did. 

Everyday I live in pain for all the things that could have been and never will be. Everyday I try to put on a brave face for my children. I try to get back into the swing of things. Everything is different. The whole world reminds me of her.

I'm so numb.

Views: 184

Replies to This Discussion

Christine,

First let me say I am sorry for your sister, you, & your family. All of these crazy feelings and experiences you are going through are completely normal under the circumstances, even the extreme hate & rage.  You are still in a state of shock, why would anyone want to believe such a horrible thing could happen to someone they love?  Everything is different & everything has changed. Try to be kind to yourself & don't "should" on yourself.  This is going to take some serious time just to get to the point where you can function "normally" again.

 

I don't know where you live, but please, please, please, find a grievance center.  It must have a psychologist that is experienced in helping with violent deaths. For at least the first year or two, I recommend it not be affiliated with a church, or at least for me I was not capable of listening to the statements like "Jesus wants you to forgive." ( Actually I don't think it is my place to forgive, as I was not the one murdered & it was Jesus who asked God to forgive.)

Take your family too. Kids grieve a little differently but you needn't put on a brave face for them.  They are hurting too, and this can be an incredibly bonding experience for your family through experiencing your grief together, or you can show them it is not good to express yourself...to hide your feelings. You are all going to grieve for a very long time, you might as well learn how to help yourself and your children from people who have been through this already.... 

Unfortunately, you are not alone, but I know it sure feels that way.  Try not to listen to everyone else.  Unless they have a loved one who has been murdered, they don't really 'get it'. There are programs for free, and some of them are even using skype to set up meetings if you live in an area where there is nothing close by...  I will be praying for you.

Thank you, Nicole. I've talked to a few people who have lost loved ones but so far have not met another person who has gone through something similar. I've started to become irritated when people tell me that 'she's in a better place' because her 'better place' should be with us. Or when people ask me how I'm doing because it's the most ridiculous question someone could ask right now. 

I honestly don't know if I'm ready to seek professional help yet. I can't wright down my thoughts and feelings with no problem but uttering any word of it just rips me apart. Does that make sense?

Dear Christine,

I am soooo sorry to hear your story and the manner your sister's life was taken - it is just so wrong, on so many levels. I am fighting so many emotions as I read your words - I really have no concept of what you are going through. One thought I had was that I hope her boyfriend hung himself as he saw fully what he had done and past the death sentence on himself. (Deuteronomy 19:21) "And your eye should not feel sorry: soul will be for soul, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot."

Grief is not a destination, it is a journey. You will travel this road in your own unique way for whatever time you need.  Talking is the best thing you can do and I will listen 24/7 with a truly sympathetic ear.

Brenda

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

Brenda,

Thank you for your kind words and offering of your ear. I've found that I can't really 'talk' about it yet but I can certainly type.

Her boyfriend did hang himself later that afternoon. I have conflicting emotions about it. On one hand, I'm so very angry that I will never have the opportunity to tell him exactly how I feel or ask the questions that have been eating me alive since that day. On the other hand, I don't think that he deserved to live. What he did was so beyond wrong that the fact he was able to take any breaths after makes me sick. The fact that anyone could do such a heinous thing to another human being completely disgusts me.   

Christine,

I am truly sorry for your tragic loss. I understand only too well the competing emotions which now completely overwhelm you every minute of every day. Everyone deals with this type of profound loss in their own way. The only advice I can offer is to try to find something, whether it be a hobby, a cause, or your career, to keep you occupied--as difficult as that may be. I bought a 14 month old colt, which proved to be a tremendous source of diversion (probably worth a few hundred hours of therapy) and was also able to participate in my brother's murder investigation. These activities enabled me not to dwell on the circumstances of the murder. Your sister certainly would not want her family members so consumed with grief that their lives are shattered beyond repair. Nothing will ever remove the sense of loss, but I hope that time will ease some of the pain of losing your sister. Please know that I do not presume to know what, if anything, may comfort you at this sad time, but kow that others like me do understand the depth of your pain and the conflicted feelings you are experiencing. Take care of yourself and try to remain strong.

 

Dennis M. Walsh  

 

 

RSS

Latest Activity

Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Happy Father's Day to my Husband Julian in Heaven. I miss you so much."
yesterday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I started to compose a blow by blow sequence of events of my loves illness and passing but it became too painful and couldn't continue.  Here we share how we are feeling grieving our lost Loves.  In reality, most of my underlying…"
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"No matter how we express our thoughts, we are all in the same boat together. We just keep waiting for it to sink so we can join our loved ones."
Saturday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"M Adams, I totally understand; I detest being around happy families, and especially happy couples. It's not that I want anything bad to happen to them, I definitely do not. It's just that they have what my beloved and I should still have,…"
Saturday
M Adams commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"usually I find your comments really clear, Linda, so I don’t think it’s not being good with words, more that it’s hard to express these things in words.  Actually I couldn’t follow what Joe said either, but it’s…"
Saturday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello M Adams Joe explained in his post of how I feel. I am not good with words on explaining things but Joe you said it perfectly. I just want to thank everyone here for sharing their thoughts, as we are all in the same boat together."
Saturday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Speaking for myself, I identify with Linda.  My Love left our world and I know it, and accept that she crossed over into another realm of existence and can't come back.  I want her back and I live in HELL every day without her. …"
Saturday
M Adams commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, not sure what you mean here when you say you can accept the loss of your husband but not being able to change it is your whole problem — do you mean not being able to change the fact of the loss, or not being able to change the way it…"
Friday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, Like you mentioned in your post, there is no normal in my life. I just take each day as it comes and just wait for death. I can accept that Julian is gone but not being able to change it is my whole problem."
Friday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Haven't been writing recently as have had so much to organize in my life I just haven't had a moment and when I do I am so tired.  So grateful to everyone else who continues to write though.  I look here daily to read.…"
Friday
mindy posted a status
"Hello everyone I'm doing ok I went back to work and just had my meeting there today they said I'm doing an awesome job"
Thursday
mindy and Brenda Ann are now friends
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"They told me that Mom had a heart attack.  It happened on the weekend.  I had made her breakfast & she seemed fine.  I am thankful she was at home & that I was with her, but it hurts so much knowing she is gone.  I just…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I was with my mom when she passed and it was not sudden. I may have thought I was prepared. I wasn't. I tried to say and do all of the right things. Still, after her last breath, it was as though I hadn't prepared at all. I knew what to…"
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks so much!  It helps having others that understand.  Some of my family is supportive & that helps.  It helps just having someone listen that truly understands.  I have one sibling, but he was never as close to my…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It's important to have people in your life who understand, even if they are on a message board like this, because sometimes you have to look far and wide to find someone to walk with you. Sometimes I will call my mom's sister. She will…"
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thank you, some days are better than others.  I feel so for you.  My Mom was the center of my world also.  I lived with her & took care of her.  I am so thankful that I could be there for her, but now I miss her so…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Three months is not very long. It is still very fresh for you. There will be a lot of triggers. Sometimes they will hit you out of the blue. Other times you know that one is coming, like if you have to drive by a familiar place. It's important…"
Thursday
Patrick E Woodson posted a status
"Hello everyone. I lost my best friend two weeks ago. I'm constantly crying feeling like I can't go on."
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I never cried much before, but I do now.  I think crying does help.  I had a trigger this morning & have been crying since.  It has been over three months, but I still feel numb.  "
Thursday

© 2019   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service