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Comment by Marti Shaffer on May 5, 2011 at 8:10am

kim johnson, iknow how u feel about just one more hug etc.... my son was 6 ft 2 and strong as an ox. He would pick me up 5ft 2in and give me the biggest bear hugs. He was a donor and i know that someone received his eyes and i would give anything to see that person and look into my sons eyes again.....

Comment by Kim Johnson on May 5, 2011 at 12:36am

I lost my oldest child and only son in a horrific car accident which closed our local Hwy and was all over the news for several days. The accident has had a huge impact on the lives of many people as there were 5 boys in the car. Three of the boys died on impact including my son. The three boys who died had a bond unlike any other. They truly loved each other like brothers. The boys had all been drinking and got into  the car with another boy who was very drunk. (3 or 4 times the legal limit) They had been at a party and made the decision to go to one of the boys homes to spend the night. I guess they thought because it was only a couple miles they could make it. The driver of the car survived the crash and as drunk as he was, he was the only one wearing a seat-belt. We all told our boys over and over not to drink and drive, not to get into a car with someone who was drunk. Always, wear your seat belt. They thought they were invincible. The 5th boys who survived was the younger brother of one of my son's friends who died. He swears that the three boys saved him and are his guardian angels. He told me  they were always looking out for him. This has been the most heartbreaking time of my life and I truly do not look forward to a future without my baby in it. These kids are "boys" to me, but in the eyes of the law they were young men. My son was only twenty years old. He had his whole life ahead of him and now they are gone in the blink of an eye. I am left with a broken heart and two daughters who are devastated at the loss of their brother. I would give anything in the world for one more hug, one more "I love you", one more "I'm sorry".

Comment by Marti Shaffer on May 4, 2011 at 7:09pm

thank u Karen R. It is so nice to hear someone else say they KNOW my pain and mean it!!! I dont think we ever get used to the loss , i think we just get used to living with that part of our heart gone. The embedded pain, i doubt will evr go away just become a part of who i am. I am thankful that ushared ur feeling with me.

Comment by Laura Villarreal on May 4, 2011 at 5:02pm

Sandra, my heart goes out to you! I lost my only child, my daughter, on May 25, 2009. She died from injuries received in an ATV accident...it was so quick and she was living far away from me.  She was only 33 years old. Like you I did not want to go on and did not know how to go on.  Every morning I would wake up and be disappointed that I did not die in my sleep.  I was really pissed off at God for a long time.  My emotions ranged from anger, to hate, to self pity, to confusion to raging anger. I had to accept there would NEVER be an answer to my questions as to why she had to die so young. My Christian upbringing promises us eternal life so I know I will see her again someday.  Suicide was never an option for me because taking one's own life goes against God's word and there would be no eternal life, which means not seeing my daughter again.  I will not take that chance.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her, talk to her or feel her presence. People want to be kind but unless they have lost a child can seem very insensitive with their words such as "time heals all wounds" or "you will get over this". Or the worst one is "she's in a better place!"  I actually cut off all contact with family and friends for 2-3 months because they just didn't get it. Questions like "how are you?" Me replying "I am fine."  Then they would ask "are you really okay?" Me replying "NO, I AM NOT OKAY, MY ONLY CHILD IS DEAD!" How many times does someone need to ask the same question in the same conversation?? One time I actually answered with "no, I am not okay" and was then asked "well what"s wrong?" DUH...they just don't get it! Sorry for the long winded reply but I just want you to know that what you feel is absolutely normal for you right now.  There are no "rules for grieving" as we all grieve differently.  Do what feels right for you and most importantly take care of yourself. I always felt like I was living life one breath at a time...Losing her still hurts but it is not the vicious, ripping pain I had 2 years ago.  You are in the right forum as we have all experienced the loss of a child/children. If you would like to email me you may do so at 1043villa@sbcglobal.net

Take care, Sandra

Comment by Sandra LaBonte on May 4, 2011 at 4:27pm

I don't even know how to use this forum, so if this is in the wrong place I'm sorry. I just need someone to tell me how it is possible to go on without my only child, because right now I don't think I can. Please help

Comment by Karen R. on May 1, 2011 at 1:08pm

Greetings Lucy, so sorry for your tremendous lost!!!!!  I lost my 21 yr old son. I am sorry that I don't have any comforting words to offer because my soul has no comfort but I can say that this site is good for you to express your pain and your thoughts so they can be validated by people that truly understand and are always willing to listen. We are all members of this sad club that NO ONE would ever volunteer to join.

Comment by Karen R. on May 1, 2011 at 12:46pm

Hey Marti, I just wanted to let you know that I know how you are feeling when people ask how are you doing. I had this lady ask me one day if I was "over" losing my son yet!!!! I was so hurt and so so angry....I told her to close her eyes and imagined that her 5 yr old that she has, just suddenly, tragically died and to imagine that she would NEVER be able to see him or hold him again and you know what she said....she said that she could NOT imagine it. I told her exactly and not to ever ask me that again! There have been many, many times when people have asked me how am I doing and I held nothing back....I have told them that I am BROKEN, I am lost and I am so f!@ked right now! I have told them many times that unless they could get me son back, there is NOTHING that they could do for me. I felt like if you really don't want to know how I truly feel, then don't ask me. There are no rules for grieving. I never use to worry about making anyone feel uncomfortable about my response to that dreadful question, now depending on my mood and the person that asks me....i'll say I could be better but thanks for asking. The thing that pisses me off about that is that some people who happen to know that I lost my son will say " oh really, what's the matter?"! Oh how that inferiorates me. I quickly remind them that" hello, my son passed away!!... and then they feel small and apologize. I truly don't mean to make others feel uneasy. I truly understand that people don't really want to hurt you and they don't know what to say but sometimes saying nothing at all or a simple hug is fine. True friends and family should never take it personal.

Comment by Marti Shaffer on April 28, 2011 at 9:21am

thank u laura, i know there are no rules and i am a Christian so i pray alot there are just days when i feel like screaming and tearing up all around me but i stay calm then i feel even crazier cause my insides feel so out of control and my outside is just going through the motions of what i have to do. everyone thinks 'she is so strong' but really i'm not. im a little crazy inside but i feel like people dont really wantto hear about it. people say how are you? and i know they  really dont want to know so i say' im doing better' when i really wanna say" im going freaking nuts because my kid is dead and i dont know how to do this" but can u imagine the look on their face if i really said that :)

Comment by Laura Villarreal on April 28, 2011 at 8:42am

Marti, I am so sorry for the passing of your son. My journey of grief began 2 years ago on May 25, 2009.  My only child, my 33 year old daughter Angela, died from injuries sustained in an ATV accident.  She was in Alaska and I was in Texas...it has been so hard.  And now my husband passed away on Monday 4/25/11. You will experience all sorts of extreme emotions...anger, hate sadness, and fleeting moments of joy when you recall happier memories. My daughter had no children.  Most of the time now I can talk about her without breaking down but she is always in my thoughts, my heart...like the air we breath her essence embraces me. I can't say it gets easier because I haven't found that place yet.  While you may not "see" him he is with you. We all grieve differently so please don't think there is a "right" way to get through this. Take care....Laura

Comment by Marti Shaffer on April 28, 2011 at 7:25am

my son died on Jan 12 and i feel like  the grief is sometimes getting worse and not better. i am getting used to the fact that he is dead but i cant get used to the idea that i wont see him again until i die. every day i wake up and its like a blow to my mind heart and soul that he is gone. its always the first thing i remember and it is like a cloud covers my mind. i go through the motions and i take care of what needs to be done but, i miss him so much.  i feel so much anger because he was murdered, shot by another person for nothing. He was only 21. His son is 19 mos old.And today sucks!

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