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Comment by Grace on June 20, 2012 at 5:10pm

I have had a benefit to remember my son... August 11 is the 4th Annual.. after the 3rd year without him.  We Raise money to give to other families living with special needs.... so far we have given $9000 out as Random Acts Of Kindness Donations.... I work this thing so hard... My son was an Organ, eye, Bone, Brain donor..... Last night I was thinking how this George Zimmerman raised $155000 to 200000 in donations to defend him in the Stand Your Ground for taking a young boy's life... where he should have just backed off and let the police check this kid out...... Amazed how I stuggle to help others in memory of my son and this guy gets a flood of money... just doesn't make sense to me...... 

Comment by Michelle W on June 20, 2012 at 3:22pm

Everyday is a challenge, I have spoke to everyone in a few days but I have taken in all your thoughts Karen, Grace I do live out this Sad movie over and over every day. I recently started a new job , I thought this would help ( working again) and show my daughter and husband that I was strong and maybe see less pain in their eyes... Now I'm really busy and when I'm done the pain and movie is just more intense.. I have to drive home on the freeway about 15-20 min. And there are not many cars at 2 am .. I see the car accident as if I was there.. I wonder was he in pain? Did he just pass quickly or did he feel everything hoping I could save him?? I just kills me then I see a police car racing somewhere and I think oh I hope it's not someone I know... I feel the pain so much more when I'm not at this place of work... I miss him.. I miss talk to him about him I was so proud of him..., my daughter and husband can't speak of him or his name without going into a coma as I call it so we silently do our business without speaking of him... I live on eggshells and tormented with constant pain... That I must hide to protect the ones I love ... I feel every word you all say... I'm so glad you are here with me it brings me some peace..., I feel like a zombie at work .. I know the people I work with know what happened but no one speaks of it.. It's like high school when I walk in a room everyone is quiet like they had all had been talking about me in secret... I'm sure it's my new paranoia ... I really feel like I won't survive this at times... Yet everyday I wake up and tell myself I need to make my daughter happy again.. So I fake it the best I can...

Comment by Grace on June 20, 2012 at 5:16am

breating in and out..... my former pastor asked what I am doing with all of this experience..... and I said I just wake up and know that I breathe in and out and take it one breath at a time somedays.....

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on June 19, 2012 at 11:12pm

I try to visualize the small things. His gentle touch, his silliness, the bounce in his walk. It should help but its painful.

Comment by lynne thompson on June 19, 2012 at 8:13pm

I  am so sorry to have you here Soliel's mommy , I am sorry we all have to be here.    To lose your child is truly the worse thing that can go wrong in a persons' life......the world just becomes so sad...and scary...but you are right , Lorraine, the harsh reality of life does go on.......

Comment by Soleil's Momma on June 19, 2012 at 8:03pm

My daughter was 17 yo, would have 18 now. All of her friends have graduated, it hurt sending them all graduation cards but I felt Soleil wanted me to. I miss her so much, Tuesdays are my therapy days and I struggle to keep the tears inside. I'm so happy I found this website, I work alot and have other children to care for so it's difficult for me to find time to make group meetings. Today is my first day on here and I just want to say I have felt and had the same thoughts...you all are NOT alone!

Comment by Lorraine on June 19, 2012 at 8:00pm

it's been awhile again; so often I find myself isolating or hiding from the world, and yet I stay so busy I can't think the rest of the time. Strange life this has become. Recently someone said, "the harsh reality is that life goes on," and I wanted to let them know that for us, our world ends, and we have to find a way around this new & sad world. I have missed everyone here; reading over comments and sending so much love. 

Comment by Karen R. on June 19, 2012 at 6:26pm

Yes Ammy.....just away, I try to convince myself of that also. My son's case is still under investigation as well. I am grief exhausted also. The mind is something else. I hope the situation with grand daughter brightens.

Grace, how sorry I am for all of us. I am glad that the door was finally opened for me to reveal my horror movie.  I keep having dreams that my teeth are falling out, I've heard that is symbolic of my life falling apart.....I wonder if that's true, it sure seems accurate.

Comment by Ammy on June 19, 2012 at 2:17pm

Oh dear grief friends, how I understand your feelings.  I think we have to imagine the things we do to be able to cope.  I still find myself thinking he'll be here soon or I have to tell him something when he gets here.  As soon as I do it I realize that he's not going to be here.  Then I get on the computer and distract myself or turn on the TV.  The quiet is unbearable.  I can't even go to sleep without the TV on because my mind will start to think about him and all the crap that is still going on.  

My daughter and I saw the Coroner last Friday and he is asking the DA to reopen the case and further investigate.  I'm glad in one way, but on the other hand it just seems to keep it so fresh.

My son's birthday was last Thursday.  His daughter's mom let us visit his daughter for the afternoon.  We hadn't seen her in almost 2 weeks.  She ran to me and jumped into my arms and wouldn't let go for at least 5 minutes.  Doesn't her mom realize she is only torturing her more?  My husband and I are adults and can deal with it, but my little granddaughter doesn't understand why she can't see us anymore.  I have the papers to file for custody/visitation, but I can't figure all of them out so now I have to get a lawyer to help with that.

It's bad enough just trying to get through each day, but then to have all these other things going on I do feel like I'm going to collapse one of these days and not get up again.  And I really don't care if I do.  I do think about my daughters and husband, but I guess I'm selfish because I am ready.

Yes, that brain power does not shut down and I also feel like I'm watching myself sometimes from outside Karen.  I don't know if all these things are our bodies way of helping us or what.  Actually, most of the time, I feel like I don't know anything anymore except I'm grief exhausted, if there is such a thing.

I wish for you all some time of rest where you're not being ________.

I do have those times, but not as much as I would like.  Hopefully they will become more frequent for all of us.

You are all in my thoughts & prayers.  I do pray.  I need to have faith in something or it would be even worse.  I believe that one day I will hug my son again and that helps me to keep going.  He is just away.

Take care of yourselves as best you can.  

(¯* •. ¸ ♥ ♥ ¸. • * '¯)

Comment by Grace on June 19, 2012 at 1:10pm

My movie has been of the whole process... including the harvesting of his organs on the operating table... of us leaving him in the ICU room when they declared that he was dead... and of cremation...... I never want to talk to anyone about this either Karen because I think I will be ready for the men in the white coats.... and if we think of how uncomfortable it is of those who have never experienced a loss of a child... they could never handle what is locked into our brains......   they for sure want us to just shut up... think of Jesus... not of our kids body being cut up... or burned and ground into those ashes that come back to us in a little white box...... for sure we have mental illness!  I am convinced that nobody could walk through my brain and survive what goes on in there.   I am not so sure I can be left alone to long in there myself.... I try to Push it out of my mind too Karen.... I think this is HELL!

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