My Jamey will be gone 10 months on Sept. 20 and I still don't know what to do or say or how I'm supposed to act. And yesterday, sadly, another mother got the news that her child had died in a car accident. I don't like the word "accident" when referring to a vehicular wreck that has stolen another person. Those should carry some more appropriate title, like "Life Stealer" or "'Orphan Maker". I wish could believe in prayer. I WISH I could believe in the Almighty that so many cling to so strongly. I used to. I had the utmost faith that there would be a light at the end of the tunnelish existence we all share. I honestly believed that there was a Father who would take care of us all. Bu I, like so many others, find that belief hard to hang on to when things go so wrong. My son was on his way to a job, the young mother with two children and a loving husband was killed in a Life Stealer. I don't hear sirens going past in the same way. It's a wail that started the instant our children stopped being able to breathe. The harbinger of doom that signals a death of more than the victim of the wreck. Its' sound lets all know that hears it that nothing will ever be the same again. The scream starts with those sirens and goes on the the parents, and the children to grandparents and best friends, lovers and even some enemies who can't remember why they were fighting to begin with. Looking into the faces of the small helpless children, each one of us cannot in any way find a good logical reason to explain why Daddy/Mommy won't read them a story tonight or any other night.

My sister-in-law had to put her daughter into her permanent grave and I, not know what to say, didn't say anything. I think its' laughable that I can be so long winded in my writings, but I couldn't bring myself to send her, my sweet sister, a simple note telling her that I love her. Since my Jamey, I still haven't said anything. Because I STILL do not know what to say. And now, another mother is going to have to put her daughter into her permanent bed. She too is going to stand at the graveside in so much pain that nothing is real. I wish I could take it from her, that horrible greedy pain entering into her very sould where it will live until the joyful moment when she and her child are reunited again.

So please, all of you who believe and get down on your knees every single day, pray for us. Pray for all of us. Even those who can't do it ourselves.

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There is nothing you can say, but you already know that.  All you can do is reach out to her and let her know you share her pain.  Just knowing someone else "get's it" is sometimes all we need. 

I know. You're right. But it seems like some kind of secret torture done to us in a dark quiet place. I am so afraid now to say anything to her because THEN we would truly know that our children who played together, went to each others birthday parties and we saw them all at family reunions is not here. I hurt mentally and physically for her. As I do for each and every mother and father here who have also been tortured  in that dark quiet place.

I don't believe either. Why would I believe in something when I have lost my son nearly two years ago? So senseless.

Jill, have you been able to say it out loud  to anyone? I told my Mother a few days or maybe a week after laying Jamey down that I was mad at god. She reacted like most do. Her voice got lower and she ducked her and told me to "Hush, don't ever say that. You don't know what could happen." Like the Boogie Man was hiding under the couch! Well, I knew what had already happened and the Mad Scientist got his jollys like some serial killer. There just cannot be some creature that would do this! But we are all supposed to get down on our knees and praise him for this great wonderful plan. Isn't that what a serial killer does?

I to stopped believing, I want so very much to go with shawn, but im left here to suffer so bad,pain  like no other. tears that could fill an ocean each and answers to my prayers, just a deep dark hole forever.

Kim, I stopped praying. Whats' the point? It's not going to change anything. It won't bring our sons back and, other than time, nothing is getting us closer to them. Now, I talk to my son. I think he is here with me sometimes. And the Mad Scientist serial killer had nothing to do with it. Jameys' truck hit a tree and he had a "traumatic brain" injury. Meaning he had a massive stroke. That is what stole my son. NOT THE SERIAL KILLER we are told from the instant we can talk to worship. Well not me, not anymore. Not ever again.

Kim and Toni, to deny God or to deny heaven I have to deny my Michael existing in heaven and I can't do that.  I have to believe God had his reason and I believe he is carrying me through this. I'm no happier than the two of you, that my only son is gone but I know God will allow him to visit me in my dreams.  I was angry at first too.

Teresa D., I hope you're right. I really do. And maybe it is just anger we're going through. I don't want to take away what you believe or feel  because to me that would be evil. We all need something to help us get through this. For now this is how I feel. It will take one helluva miracle for me to find my belief again. So, if you don't mind, pray for me. Pray for all of us. One way or another, we will all get to see our kids again. And that is what we want more than anything.

for god to take my only child my son, its so very very hard to believe in any thing leave me here so empty, in such a dark hole, how can god do this and why?

kim, I hope no one gives you that same old mantra of God has a plan for us all. Or, God wanted him come home. Or all the other dribble. I'm sorry to all the believers but this is how I feel. If you tell me I'm wrong for how I feel, then I hope this loving, merciful God is happy with all the pain he's caused.

Toni, no one can tell you how to feel or how to process this.  No one can tell you what your experiencing or feeling is wrong.  I know the first year every time someone said those comments all I wanted to do was "kick them in the face" but in time I learned to smile, say nothing and walk away.  Do I still want to kick them in the face for saying it? Yea sometimes, but of course I don't. 

The one I hated the most was and still hear is "Michael wouldn't want you to cry"  Oh yea well what the hell would he want me to do?

Toni, Kim I don't turn away from anyone who has to process this differently than myself.  No one gave us a handbook on how to do this, so we all do what we need to do to survive.

But ladies, I will still say a prayer for you.  Kim you and Shawn are already on my list.

HUGS to you both!!!!!



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