Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
Hello, Cathy from Kansas here. Please excuse the large font, I have vision problems. Two weeks today my youngest son died. This is the second of our sons to die too soon. He was so close to turning 40. I am a bit flabbergasted that some people can be so insensitive and say something like "Oh, well at least you didn't lose a child". He was my baby. NOBODY here said that, some people said that to us after our memorial. I joined this site to try to not do what I did fifteen years ago when my next to youngest son was killed. I locked the world away and became a hermit. Of course my husband was with me and we spoke but even that I kept only as surface talk. When our other children or my parents called or came to visit, I tended to make isits and conversations as short as possible. I am feeling myself slip into that again and hope that by coming here I can allow myself to not just bury everything deep inside.
Have I shared too much? I do tend to talk too much when typing.
Having been through this once before, I hope that I am able to offer support as well as offer it. I have taken care of everyone else through this. I took it upon myself to make all the arrangements, hold everyone else up and together. Now is the hard time Everyone has gone back home and back to their routines. Is this how it is for anyone else? After that final goodbye, people have to get back to their lives and this is when it all starts to really hit?
Anyway, I am happy to have found a place where we can offer and share support through the hardest time in our lives.
IT'S OKAY TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IN YOUR GRIEF, KATHY. WHETHER ITS RETREATING INTO A SHELL, OR TALKING AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.
I LOST MY ONLY SON NEW YEARS EVE, 2012. IT WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE, AND MY WHOLE WORLD WAS LIKE AN ALIEN PLACE TO ME. WHEN THE FUNERAL WAS OVER, AND I WAS OUT OF THE CROWD-BACK HOME, IT WAS AS IF I WAS ON THE OUTSIDE OF MY LIFE LOOKING IN. MY SON ALSO WAS NOT YET 40. HE WOULD HAVE HAD HIS 39TH BIRTHDAY EIGHT DAYS AFTER HE DIED. LIKE YOU, MANY TRIED TO TELL ME I'D HAD HIM A LONG TIME, AND WANTED ME TO THINK THAT THE LOSS OF A SMALL CHILD WAS MORE UNBEARABLE THAN THE LOSS OF A MAN IN HIS LATE 30'S-OR LIKE I SHOULD BE SATISFIED WITH THE YEARS I HAD HIM!!! WELL- SEEMS TO ME, THE MORE TIME A CHILD IS IN YOUR LIFE, THE CLOSER YOU GROW TO THEM, AND THE DEEPER THE BOND. YOU HAVE THE TIME TO KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOUR CHILD IS, AND THEY BECOME MORE THAN YOUR CHILD. THEY ARE ALSO YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS. BUT WHO COULD KNOW THAT IF THEY LOST THEIR CHILD AT A YOUNG AGE??
I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I UNDERSTAND TOTALLY WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM, AND I KNOW THE PAIN. WE HAVE TO TOTALLY CHANGE OUR LIVES TO FILL IN THE HORRID HURT THAT WANTS TO REMIND US IT'S THERE EVERY TIME THINGS GET QUIET. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS IF THEY HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED IT. I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON MY WORST ENEMY.
GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU ALWAYS-
Robin, thank you so much for your perspective. You are so right and I have never been able to put into words how I feel when people make that sort of comment. I cannot possibly even think that the pain can be ay worse or less because your child is young or older when they are taken from this life. With an infant or younger child, all of our hopes ad dreams for them and for the future are ripped away. When we lose an adult child, it is as you said, the bond is different. I don't know that it is stronger or not. But we do have the blessing of knowing them as an adult and know them in ways we could only dream of when holding our infant in our arms or when we tucked them in at night, watched as they approach adolescence.
I so appreciate your understanding and empathy. I hate that you or anyone understands how it leaves us after we have had a jagged hole ripped into the center of our heart and soul.
I am so sorry that you lost your son. You know, I was saying to someone last night. That is the first thing people say, how sorry they are for our loss. Sometimes I find myself trying to figure out how to reply to that with something more than thank you. I know that when anyone says that, they are sincere. My tongue gets tied and I wonder what else I can say. I wonder if anyone else wonders about this.
When our first son was murdered, I went into a deep shell and stayed in that dark place for five years. I hope that I can pull myself out sooner than that this time. Our other son and daughter are our two oldest and at this point I want to drag them home an lock the doors, not letting them out of my sight.
It is the quiet moments I dread. Then there are the times that it hits us out of the blue. The times I think Jimmy or John would like something like a movie or an event- when I cook something and say before thinking about how it was their favorite or special ways I fixed things to accommodate the foods they didn't like, or a song... the daily things, you know what I mean
thank you so much.
Hi Cathy. Where about in Kansas? I'm from KC, Mo. I lost my son 34 years old on Nov. 22, 2013. I know where you're at. I am no longer the person I was. It has taken the stuffing out of me. Luckily, I work and that keeps me half sane. Anytime you want to talk privately, please email me at email@example.com.
p.s. you were not in the least long-winded!!!!
Fort Riley-Junction City is where in Kansas. We are in KC quite frequently.
I wish I were able to work, that might make a difference, having something to do, routine... something that occupies my mind and concentrate on other things.
I really get what you mean when you say you are no longer the person you were. Not only is this true for me, but also for my husband, son, daughter an mother.
thank you for sharing an trusting me with your email. I may well take you up on that. I am just letting myself touch my feelings. I held everyone else up an held myself together. Now the reality is settling in and it is time to take care of me.
I am so grateful to have found this website. I have been reading other posts and the simple fact that there are so many people that really do understand and whose stories help me to know that the things we are going through are not uncommon and mostly that there really are no rules for grief.
I am still navigating the site and am grateful it exists, yet it hurts my heart that loss of love ones is the common denominator among everyone here. When someone tells me they can't imagine what I must be feeling, I tell them that I thank the Lord that they do not or cannot really understand what it feels like to lose your child.
Thank you, Jill. I want you to know that if you want to talk privately you can email me [ firstname.lastname@example.org ] any time. I do not go online every day but I will respond. I need to also see if there is a private messaging or private chat option here on this site.
Thank you so much for reaching out to me.