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Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on January 26, 2011 at 6:49pm

I havent written to this post in awhile, seeing how everyone is holding up....I hope ok....its very hard to go through such difficult stuff....my saving grace, well in a way, is that I am sick right now, and because of it it takes my thoughts away from my mom and all....its almost like it was supposed to happen that way....weird how that happens

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on January 20, 2011 at 7:50pm

I feel for you Marie....I do, please do not try to feel guilty

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on January 20, 2011 at 7:49pm

I'm sorry for your loss Julie....thats awful....the doctors for my mom didnt let me know how really sick she was almost til the end, in fact, I thought she was recovering....its such a difficult thing....I was very angry, there is still more that I want to know, a doctor from the hospital is actually letting me know what happened to my mom, how she got so sick so fast when she was well before having surgery etc.  I also am just devastated.. your not alone sweetie

Comment by Carol on January 19, 2011 at 6:19pm

Hi Marie. I have sent you a friends request. I can't inbox you until you have excepted. I just looked at your profile and we are both in the same county of The U.K. Now that is a serendipity moment. It sounds as if you have alot of mixed feelings with your parents to their roles and parts with you whats your stuff what your responsible for etc etc as obviously you find your Dad a difficult man. I empathize. My Father died in 1981. He was 13 years old than Mom. I didn't and still don't have an angle on who my Father is inwardly. I found I am doing alot of revalueating since Mom past in December. I am clear who I am through my Mom and m,y faith however I have no concept of who my Father is inwardly and how my identity fits around him. This is work I am having to do on myself now with my 12 step program sponsor. I amy never get an idendity I am comfortable with over my Father however I know I have to go through the process of looking at it all as a whole to come to peace with it all. It maybe something you need to do with a bereavement specialist as you are clearly and understandable so unsure of so much and need some help. I have said it before that my ministry I do all this type of work however I can't counsel myself or my youngsters as I am too close. I just thank goodness I have the support I have else I would be a basket case

Comment by Marie Carr on January 19, 2011 at 8:55am

I just lie in bed and have all these feelings of guilt.  From not saving her, as i didnt want them to take the drip away.  The family wasnt told until the drip had been taken away.  It was too late by the time I got to hospital the Doc had left five mins before.  No one would listen.  I was so angry and upset and couldnt believe my Dad would give them permission and let them do this, knowing how I would feel.  I wish I had gone to see her so much more often and I wish I had rang her every day.  I just thought she was pestered by my sister and her problems all the time.  I was tryn to give her space she deserved.  Both my brothers have been problems for her.  i know she had lots of friends from church, and always seemed so happy and smiling all the time.  She loved my Dad even though he was always putting her down.  She said it didnt bother her.  She was Catholic and had a really strong faith.  I think maybe my Dad just showed off infront of others, i hope he was kind to her when they were on there own.  She seemed very happy so he must have been kind to her some times, probabaly when they were on their own.  She was always saying he was a good man and a hard worker.  She never said one horrible thing about him, she made excuses for his behaviour.  I find it so hard to speak to him, or to forgive him as i thought he shouldve rushed her to hospital long before he did.  She was so so unwell she could hardly walk and couldnt speak.  It turned out she had had a stroke.  She had also been on home dialysis, which my dad was doing.  She got so bad in the end that he mustve rang in panic.  She had more than one stroke.

Comment by Carol on January 18, 2011 at 6:55pm

I empathise Marie. My sleep pattern has gone all to pot since Mom passed. All the techniques I have used over the years when I have had sleep problems aren't working anymore. Yes I get days like that when I can't face anything and just want do duvet dive. I am pushing myself to go out as I don't want to get back into my active agrobhobia. I don't have a problem with going out with my husband or sons cos \i feel protected from people's well meaning comments however I really don't want to hear them. My Dr' says greiving is a long job and |I keep forgetting Mom only passed 5 weeeks ago. It's seems so long ago. It's seems impossible it's been five weeks yet it has been. I just try and focus on the moment I am in. Multi tasking has gone completely out of the window and I can only focus on one thing at a time

Comment by Marie Carr on January 18, 2011 at 5:37pm

I miss my mum so much and find it almost impossible to get out of bed in the morning.  I dont feel tierd I just dont feel as though I can face anything.  But I have to because I have three children.  one has left home but I have a fifteen year old and a six year old. 

Comment by Carol on January 12, 2011 at 4:43pm

Just been to pick Mom ashes up today (re my last post 4th Jan) Oh boy that was real hard and in someways harder than all since Mom passed as the reality really sunk in today. Mom lived with us for the 15 months of her life up to when she had to have nursing care from last October until she died. We used to have respite for our holidays which was five minutes from us where Mom went the same distance as the funeral directors. My Husband carried Mom ashes home with me walking slightly in front as it always was when we used to go and pick Mom up from respite so lots of memories were flooding as we bought Mom home for the last time, the experience was so sureal. I have put Mom ashes in her bedroom here and we will scatter them on Saturday in the local garden park near by where Mom used to love taking my youngsters when they were young. We are buying a bench for our local church in remberance of Mom and I am building a garden of rememberance on a website I have found on the internet. I am not sure if I am allowed to put the addy here so I won't however if it is o.k with the site people can inbox me for it. It has been helping me alot to do and have this additional way of putting a garden of rememberance together. It's 4 weeks today and I am still in a day at a time, a moment at a time. Everywhere I go and look around where we live Mom is here with me.

Comment by Andy Dearing on January 4, 2011 at 6:21pm

Lost without my mom!!!  I could not have said it better myself.  My mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on Thanksgiving day 2007 and lost her battle on 12/07/2007 at the age of 56.  It was the fastest few weeks of my life.  I chose not to deal with the grief, I put it in a box with her things in the closet and dove feet first into my MBA program.  Here it is 3 years later and it still feels like it just happened yesterday.

 

I'm glad I found this site and to know that I'm not alone in feeling lost without my mom.  I've lost the 2 most influential women in my life (mom & grandma) and I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate without them.

Comment by Carol on January 4, 2011 at 7:14am

It was me and Mom all my life. I am an only child by my parents marriage. My Father died when I was 18.Mom helped me bring up my 4 youngsters by my ex husband. Mom devboted her life to me and the children and yes I know she was 85 when Mom passed and it is not a tragedy at Mom age and it was a blessed release for Mom as she had dementia and Mom had wanted to go for sometime however the pain the emptiness the feelings of I can't be bothered anymore. The day Mom past I screamed the place down. It was like the umbilical cord had been cut again and this time forever on this planet.It's my grief. Mom is at peice and I wanted that. I can see the pattern through our lives of where Mom was the rock to bring me and the youngsters to and Mom didn't go until she knew we were all O.K and could walk on somehow with me without her physical presence. Mom will always be with me, I know in spirit. I know I am blessed more than most as I have a devoted loving marriage today to my second husband,four beautiful youngsters.I am a Grandma, I have my faith as I am a practicing Christian and my 12 Step programme also. I/we are totally surrounded by love support and Jesus. I know how blessed I am however id does not take this lost feeling away. Mom past on Dec 15th 2010 and I know it is early days yet.I am having to push myself to do things and carry on and I will as that is me and it is the woman line in my family that the women are the stong ones, however right now I feel like a little girl again learning to walk and talk without Mom and do everything as though I had been gradually losing Mom for the past three years with the dementia Mom was still there. I have to learn how to walk with my Mom with me in spirit instead of physically here and oh boy it is hard

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