Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
I am a single mom of 8 yo twins. My mom passed away a week ago. She fought a long hard battle with an aggressive bladder cancer that spread rapidly through her body.
Is it normal to feel so lost. I lay in bed or on the couch for hours because I am so sad. And to feel guilty for all the times I didn't visit her in the hospital. We all figured mom would make a full recovery from theiinfection she had. But she didn't. We, my siblings and I took turns sitting with her all day and night until she passed. I was in shock. I sat in the room crying and holding her hand. I couldn't leave. I am a paramedic and deal with death almost on a daily basis but I had such a hard time with her dying.
I have my good days and bad days. But night time seems to be the worst. Does anyone else have this problem? I can be fine all day but as soon as the sun goes down, I have this overwhelming loneliness.
Yes, it is normal to feel lost. I have the same problems at night, I miss her the most it seems in the afternoon and evening. My father and I took turns doing the same thing you did. My brother lives too far away to have done that. My mom passed from breast cancer and angiosarcoma on the 29th of November last year.
I have days when it feels all too much, and other days I am ok with talking about her without crying. Your grief is your grief, it will go as fast or as slow as it wants. Know that there are many of us here who have gone through and are going through what you are. You have support here, my only advice would be; let the feelings flow, cry when you need to, don't stuff how you feel, it isn't healthy for you or your kids. Feel free to message me if you ever want/need to talk one on one.
Night time is the worst, I guess because I have been staying busy during the day. I can't sleep. I wake up at 5:20 on the dot every morning. She was pronounced dead at 3:30 and sometimes I wake up then but every morning at 5:20. I keep thinking that was she was taken to the morgue and I cry every time I wake up. I know that sounds morbid but I feel like life has turned into a nightmare at night and sometimes during the day. Tonight is especially hard because it's Sunday and this week I have to start dealing with financial issues. I immediately had to start packing and moving everything out of my mom's house. It was exhausting and excruciating and took me a month. I didn't want to leave her house where she died, well as far as I know. She was pronounced dead when the ambulance got to the hospital. The coroner said they tried to revive her for the twenty minute drive. It makes me wonder if she died without any family and I don't think I will ever know. I guess I don't want to but it so unfinished. I don't know if it would make it better because my 17 year old daughter was at home with her but not in the ambulance. I was only the phone when I think I heard her let out a last gasp. It's heartbreaking but at least we would know she wasn't alone. I can't stand the uncertainty and feeling like I will never get the answers I long for.
First off I am so sorry for your loss of your Mom in February 2013. I have been a visitor/member on the site for over a year now.
I was trying to find where the best place is to post. I often mean to reply to various posts, but I don't get around to it. Sometimes it is so tough to post. I lost both my parents in the span of less than 2 months in 2012. One had a terminal illness which we couldn't get any clear info on; at least, lets just say the doctor who was involved had given " questionable" info in the past, so I didn't have much confidence in him. After losing the first parent, we then lost the other as I say less than 2 months later.
Both losses have been hard. I still - over a year and a half after the first passing - am having challenging days. I really miss both of my parents. I sit here today, and Know I need to push myself, but it is very hard sometimes. I have gone through grief counselling etc. It has helped to a point. I feel like my life is a big jig saw puzzle and I'm trying to plug holes (pieces) in my life. My mom and Dad were my life. It's just the way it evolved. I have a few regrets. Not giving them grandchildren (I'm in my late 30's -ish); I know I could still have kids, but then it feels like I would be robbing my parents as they won't see the kid(s) at least on earth (from Heaven - if we believe which I do, but I still question at times - hard to explain my thoughts).
I wish I had talked with my parents more about their history, but there was never the right scenario (especially when one parent was terminally ill). I feel so disjointed right now.
I didn't mean to make this about me. I'm sorry for your loss. What has helped me to a point is various grief resources (hospice etc) and this site has been helpful. But I do still feel a big hole from the loss.
I will pray for you and myself as well.
My thoughts are with you. M