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Lost My Spouse...

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Today is the anniversary of my wedding day 2 Replies

I got married on May 1, 1992 and lost my husband on June 30, 2017. My wedding day was the happiest day of my life and if I had one wish, it would be to go back and live that day over. It has been…Continue

Started by Carol Klotz. Last reply by Carol Klotz May 3.

Lost my light in the darkness 2 Replies

I lost my wife on the 25 of March after returning from my Dads funeral. She is everything to me. No matter how bad it got, no matter how much my PTSD drug me down, She has been my light in the…Continue

Started by Shane Hughes. Last reply by Shane Hughes Apr 16.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 5 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Wendy Apr 7.

My Love 1 Reply

On November 6 of this year, I lost my husband in a tragic automobile accident. We live in Georgia and the accident was in Montana making it more difficult. I am completely lost as we were best…Continue

Started by Kathy West. Last reply by Anna Chris Apr 7.

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Comment by morgan on Tuesday
Wise words in response to Elynn, Joe. And Ellyn, I have the same routine and feelings. I scream along working to reestablish myself in a new location which has taken me the last three years out of the seven plus that he has been gone. Then I keep the news on in the background all the time so I don't have to think. Work on the computer and scat around there. Anything to keep me from thinking about what was. And now at this point when i crash I crash hard. It's taken me seven years to get to the point where I can go about three days without crying and that has happened only in the last year. Its my release valve. Of course that has ruined my gut and caused rheumatoid arthritis. I still get around ok but life is essentially a miserable facsimile of living. I would give anything to trade my "living" with someone who has medical issues and wants to live. But as Joe said,as much as what we want to go we don't want to screw it up. So we suffer. And yes, who am I trying to fool? Not myself anymore. I get it. I know I didn't do anything to "deserve" the way I feel now but I have to tough it out. At 68 I am hopeful as I am sure many of you are, that some medical condition will take me and soon. Its all I want. How simple yet so hard.
It is somehow comforting or reassuring when I read how others are honest about how they continue to try to pretend they are living when all we want is to be with our loves. How simple yet so hard.
Thank you for those who come by and let the rest of us know we are not alone in our feelings.
morgan
Comment by Linda Engberg on Tuesday

I will never move on.

Comment by Joe Kelly on July 6, 2020 at 10:11am

Thank you for posting Elynn.  Yes, we want them back, and although we know that's impossible, it's like we can't take no for an answer, catch 22.  Friends drift away, kids are busy with work and family. so an occasional visit or call becomes the norm.  That's kind of expected in a way.  We're alone because our Loves are physically gone.  They were our true best friend and our family in a sense (after our kids started their own families).  Everyday becomes the same day now.  Missing them and wanting them back.  Not able to do the things we did together because their absence brings pain remembering that they were the joy in our activities.  I understand now how some "move on" and start new lives.  But that means letting them go in a sense, replacing them in part or almost completely.  I can never do that.  We both felt that way and even acknowledged that we will be together forever in the last couple of minutes of her life.  Would she want me to suffer the way I do?  No.  But at the same time, believing she still exists in another realm waiting for me, would I want her to suffer watching me "move on" without her?  No.  Catch 22.  My experience almost 40 years ago of my consciousness separating from my body after being hit by a truck keeps the hope alive that she is with me, watching and waiting.  I didn't go all the way though and wonder if my consciousness might had just dissipated into the universe.  I don't like to think that and hang onto the hope that we will be reunited.  If I didn't have that hope, I'd be gone not long after her.  I'll never give that hope up, as much as the pain is unbearable at times, because that's my only tomorrow, my only till then, my only goal.  If it doesn't happen, I won't know it.  But if it could've happened and I gave up, what hell would that be for both of us.  I ask God each night that I don't wake up here, but that she wakes me up there.  It's only a matter of time being old and unhealthy.  Nothing to really lose, but all to gain if I just keep believing.  The suffering really hurts but I have to go on, for the both of us.

Joe

Comment by Elynn m on July 5, 2020 at 11:59pm

Haven't been here in awhile.  Thought I was keeping busy, but who am I trying to fool.?   This year will be five years in September since Joe went to be with Jesus.  I miss him so much.   Don't know what to do anymore.   I can only spend so much time on the computer.   Can't work in the garden until 6 at night,  because it's so hot out here in the desert!   I'm tired of politics!!!   Friends are busy with family, so I don't call them anymore.  My best friend moved to Utah this year, and we talk a couple times a month. My kids are always busy, and that's understandable.  

I want my wise husband back!!!    He was always so encouraging.   No problem was too big.   Always made lemonade when given lemons.   He always saw a glass "half full"   instead of "half empty", if you know what I mean.   

Well, I'm thankful that I can come here and express my feelings, because I don't know what else to do..   Thanks for listening!

Comment by Lani M. on June 25, 2020 at 8:06pm
I lost my husband 7 1/2 months ago and it seems like a lifetime ago. I understand and share the pain and loss that most of you feel and I wish I could be with my lost love, too. I know that I will join him again but in the meantime I know that I am still here for a reason. I have no family for support but I feel that God has kept me on earth for a purpose. What that purpose might be I have no idea but I know that he will reveal it to me when he is ready. I cry almost every day but my faith gives me comfort and keeps me strong in my belief that when I have fulfilled my purpose the Lord will take me home and I will be reunited with my beloved. I wish you all could share my faith and the beliefs that give me so much comfort. I will pray for all of you that you find peace and that you will be granted your final wishes.
Comment by morgan on June 25, 2020 at 7:07pm
It's all too hard. Today my husband would have turned 71. In a way I think that number has me thinking that I am able to say to myself "well, over 70 it's borrowed time". So I've lived the seven and half years to get this point on my own. Grueling, hated, overwhelming and in general a miserable time. That part hasn't changed.
What seems to have changed is my willingness and my motivation and my energy to keep pretending that I can make it. That it all is necessary to catch the right bus. It's become a different kind of empty feeling now. One where I am questioning why should I care? Up until now I think I had made up reasons to keep trying. Now, not so much.
I am annoyed with life. I hate what is happening around me and the thought that battling the obstacles of living without finding any joy seems so futile. People are dying because we have no mature leadership. So much I would have found unjust back when, I still see as being so unjust. And yet I am supposed to find a reason to stay alive?
I have one reason still that keeps me from exiting. It's a very emotional reason so I feel so conflicted. Emotionally I want to go. Emotionally I have to stay.
I haven't cried yet today and all the previous years I would be in internal turmoil for at least two weeks or more as our anniversary is also coming up on the 4th. I am so worn out. So much crying for so long. It's taken so much out of me. I still cry, It happens all the time. It's just that I have nothing left. I have been stripped of everything that might have given me any strength. I spent all these years trying and fighting to stay alive. Working so hard in order to run as far and fast from my hole as I can. And yet, the black hole appears and it swallows me whole.
I think of many who used to write more often but like me I think they are worn out. Barely putting one foot forward after so long trying so hard. I always check in and see people losing loved ones. Sometimes I have the energy to write but there are times I just have to go do the next best thing that pays my bills. I feel like a broken record, like I've said the same thing so many times. At 68 I never imagined this would be my old age. It would be so welcome to have my death come soon. An accidental or natural exit would solve the problem I struggle with daily. Missing him...... missing him terribly.
Thanks to all and each of you who are bearing the burden of loss along with me. It is always a comfort to know my struggles are not unusual or abnormal.
morgan
Comment by Linda Engberg on June 24, 2020 at 7:29am

Hi Joe,

You are right that very few people know how we really feel. Unless they had a wonderful marriage that we had with our spouses. Most people in life do not get to enjoy what we had with our spouses and it really makes it hard to find a group that understands.

In all my 8 eight years since losing Julian this site is the closest I have found in a support group. 

At least we have a few people who understand how we all feel and support us.

Comment by Joe Kelly on June 23, 2020 at 6:51pm

Dear Linda,

I thought about you yesterday and almost PMd you but as usual, paralysis sets in when ever I try to do something.  The only sure thing I do daily is my devotional two to three hour visit to the cemetery every day.  Other than that, my waking moments are nothing but suffering, talking to Her and watching her pic slides till I can't keep my eyes open anymore and fall asleep.

I know that very few ever experienced what we had.  Although Babie could never substitute for Julian. she did bring love back into your life, and now she is gone and you're alone.  I know how it feels to be alone even though we have four children and eight grands.  I talk to each about once a week and stop at one daughters house for coffee once a week.  Other than that, here I am in my jail cell waiting for that bus to arrive.

You and others here have waited longer than I and I am so afraid that I may have to wait long as well, even though I'm not at all a healthy person.  I just wish my body would know that and along with the perpetual stress I'm in, why won't it just give up?

I'm living on mostly Ensure now because I have no appetite and most foods seem to make me sick.  I need nourishment to go to the cemetery.

In a way, I have no actual family.  Our children have their own families.  The origin of the word Family comes from the Latin word "familia", meaning, "members of a household".  After our children married and started their families, my Love and I was our "family".  Yes we loved them all dearly and saw them often.  Now that She is gone, not so much.  Not because they don't love me, they do.  They now grieve my grief.  I'm not a good pretender so it's like I'm a downer.  They know my wish to reunite with Her is what I wait for and a couple of them openly admit they pray that my wish comes soon.  They do that out of love for me, because they know how badly I suffer.  I was never as strong as She was and perhaps She might had been able to still bring a little joy into their lives because She was "THE LIGHT".  I just can't do that.  Don't get me wrong, I do and will attend "family" gatherings (mainly, holidays, graduations, and Grands Bday Parties), but they know how I feel inside.

After losing your Julian, Babie became your family and now you lost her.  Your "family" suggest you get another dog thinking it might make you feel better.  They mean well and it would make them feel better if they thought you felt better.  They don't understand.  The only way anyone could understand, is to actually be us for a few minutes.

Sometimes I wish there was a separate group for people like us because since joining about two years ago, perhaps ten to fifteen will post sort of regularly.  371 members?  Not really.  Hopefully some caught the Right bus already.

I will pray for your reuniting with Julian and Babie regularly.

Joe 

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 23, 2020 at 2:17pm

Hello Group,

Haven't been on in awhile since losing my fur-baby soulmate Babie J. Dealing with her death has been just as devasating as losing my Dear Husband. A year after he died I rescued my 9 year Babie J. She was an emotional service dog and I have to say she rescued me. She was by side 24/7. Her love was unconditional and so was mine to her. It has been two months and l am an emotional wreck. When she died my family said they were there for me. What a bunch of bullshit. All they would say is, you had her for 6 years, you can always get another one and now they just fluff me off. I don't think there is any one out there that understands that she was my canine soulmate and in my opinion you only have one soulmate and as with my Dear Husband there will never be another.  You just don't replace them. 

I am so glad for our group because we are the only ones that understand what we are going though. I feel the reason for that is they never had what we had. We were so blessed to have the kind of love that only a chosen few understand. 

I don't do anything that will prolong my living on this insane world of ours. Hopefully God will end this soon.

Comment by Joe Kelly on June 13, 2020 at 5:39pm

Hoping, hoping, hoping.  I don't know if I'm losing it but every day is worse and worse.  While I won't suicide myself, nothing says I have to take care of my body.  I won't go into detail about that.

Been getting abdominal pains here and there around the belly button.  Lo and behold while I was going over some old docs from a few years ago, not looking for anything in particular, I saw a folder "medical records".  I opened it and it was 29 pages of my records.  I browsed through them and noticed that 4 years ago, my cardiologist ordered a kidney sonogram.  He never mentioned it to me but the results were an Abdominal Aneurysm. That's how my father died.  Looking at symptoms, pain around the belly button is one that they say go to ER.  LOL!  I spend every day in constant suffering, and no to the new site owner, I don't want help.  I want to go where She went.

I have so many conditions, list is too long to post but it's unbelievable that I wake up in the morning.  Chest pains, groin pains, abdominal pains, upper back of leg pains, headaches, neck pains, sometimes in the bone pains now too.  I say BRING IT ON, BRING IT ON, and it doesn't happen.  I know it will someday but it's really unbearable day after day.  Even my children who love me dearly are praying that I go to her knowing how much suffering I endure constantly.

I'm grateful for the gift of albeit briefly going to the other side, but that intensifies my wanting it NOW.  I feel sad for all of you waiting to be reunited with our Loves and wish you had the experience I had.  I truly believe it will happen and can only imagine how horrifying it is for all of you, not believing, or should say just hoping it will happen.  Most, if not all of you have waited much longer than I, but we share a common bond.  Suffering.  Trapped in our bodies.  Perhaps someday, science will advance to the point of studying only what they see to the things they can't see.  There are some out there but very few.  Here is a link to one of them.  Read the whole thing.  Concentrate on the True Love our Loves had, and still have for us blissfully waiting for our reunion.

https://www.iands.org/research/nde-research/important-research-arti...

Joe

 

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