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Lost My Spouse...

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Lost my wife 16 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Ellis Gee Dec 28, 2019.

My Love

On November 6 of this year, I lost my husband in a tragic automobile accident. We live in Georgia and the accident was in Montana making it more difficult. I am completely lost as we were best…Continue

Started by Kathy West Dec 28, 2019.

The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on February 11, 2020 at 5:28am

Hi Morgan,

I know how you feel. Day after day without my Husband, I wake up every morning and hate that I am still alive. If I was given real proof there is no afterlife, I would do away with myself. 

Comment by morgan on February 10, 2020 at 11:48pm

I don't want to live without him anymore.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 3, 2020 at 6:25am

Joe,

I pray there is an afterlife. My Father always said when your dead your dead and he was one smart man. 

Comment by Joe Kelly on February 2, 2020 at 1:55pm

Linda,

YOU WILL SEE JULIAN AGAIN!

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 1, 2020 at 2:14pm

Thanks Lisa & Michele for your comments. Beside the wonderful friends on the site, the only other person I can share what I feel is with my Wonderful and Caring Psychiatrist Dr. C. I have been seeing her once a month since my Husband died 7 years ago. Because of her I have been able to function in a world where I don't belong. Like you Morgan I am just waiting to be taken from this horror. Having my sweet girl Babie J by my side has been a Godsend. She now is on hospice due to Cushings  and Dementia. She is getting the best quality of life but is slowly declining. It is like watching Julian when he approached death. I don't know how I am going to deal with her death, as Dr. C said it will hurt as much as losing my Husband. Like you said Morgan all we can do is hope to be taken from this life soon. 

Comment by morgan on February 1, 2020 at 12:43pm

Linda & M Adams.....Very timely posts.  I came online to check and her you were.
Not more than an hour ago I had another major meltdown and it had been about 3-4 days ( I lose count) since my last one which was a feat and of itself.  At the time  today it was nothing in particular that triggered it, just an overall sense of knowing that I was about to have one.  During the breakdown I called the person who has been my best friend through all of this ( the person my husband asked to watch over me if something happened to him) because I decided he needed to know the ways he needed to gather up the loose ends when something happened to me. The way to get into my phone, where to find files for will etc.  This is the first time I have done this other than instructions to my eldest sister who may or may not be gone before me (just because of age) and besides she is way more business like and he would need to steer her towards some heart and soul.  I mention this because this time, this breakdown, was EXACTLY what the both of you are describing.  And while I was crying to him I realized I had just now reached a different point in my grief.  
In the beginning it was so horrible because he was gone.  Getting accustomed to that fact was grueling.  But now......now, I have come to a point where I ache because he has been gone for sooooo long.  Seven years have passed since he has been gone.  Seven fucking years.  As I worked and cried and endured in the beginning because he had "just left" me behind, now, now I realize I have been without him for seven long fucking years. Its not that I cant live without him anymore.  I have proven by existing and doing what I have done that I CAN do that part.  It has now come to a point where i don't want to.  I simply don't want to live any longer without him.  I realized that the length of time I have endured is coming to a close.  I cannot live without him.  Like you I have known he would not be walking through that door and for whatever reason I have endured that thought.  Now, I wont.  Its not that I cant. Its that I wont. 
Now, luckily this breakdown, and the prior two I have begun to have extreme pains in my chest.  Extreme......hurting pain right near my heart.  I don't know what that means.....I don't know if it an indication that my heart will simply no longer endure the stress of the crying but it is happening. Whether it continues to happen is anyones guess but my sincerest of hope is that this is the beginning of my own end.
They say people unconsciously get and give signals when their own death is approaching.  Sometimes not overt ones but looking back they were there.  I can hope my outreach to confer important information that my friend and sister about my will etc and where to find it all (which I had not disclosed before) is my unconscious approach to my own death. 
A woman can hope right?

Comment by M Adams on February 1, 2020 at 11:30am

So sorry you’re having this painful experience, Linda.  It’s such a strange, crazy feeling, I have it too, that constant expectancy that seems to be able to persist even though you also totally know that he won’t be coming through the door or telephoning.  Sometimes it goes away for a while and then it comes back, I don’t know if certain things in my life bring it on? Dreaming of the person at night, which has been happening to me lately — I wonder if that fosters the daytime feeling that he’s just around the corner.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 1, 2020 at 7:25am

I CAN'T SEEM TO WRAP MY MINE AROUND THE FACT THAT I WILL NEVER SEE MY HUSBAND AGAIN! IT'S NOT LIKE I'M WAITING FOR HIM TO WALK THROUGH THE DOOR....I KNOW THAT HE'S GONE!. BUT TO NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN....IT JUST WON'T REGISTER.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 13, 2020 at 5:17am

Joe, I have seven tattoos one for each year Julian has been gone. It is my way of honoring him  People make fun of me saying I am too old (71) to have them. Glad to hear I am not the only one still honoring their spouse after death.

Comment by Joe Kelly on January 12, 2020 at 9:00am

Thank you Linda.  It's beautiful for you to had done that.  I have tattoo of our names in a heart.  I wear two sets of our wedding bands on both pinkys and ring fingers.  We're still married and always will be forever.  

 

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M Adams commented on Mel Royer's blog post Dark Night and Day of the Soul
"So sorry to hear of your experience with aphasia...how scary and awful! Don’t know if this is what you meant by almost comedic but there is definitely a nasty black humour vibe to inflicting that problem on a radio broadcaster of all people,…"
yesterday
morgan commented on Mel Royer's blog post Dark Night and Day of the Soul
"Thanks for checking in Mel.  I had to look up aphasia.  I would hazard a guess that your neural system has taken a beating from your grief and your brain just wants to shut down.  I know I have times where I stutter during a breakdown…"
yesterday
morgan left a comment for Susan Bishop
"Susan B,  I am so sorry.  To try and live without that person who was by your side for 52 years is a living nightmare.  I had 35 married years but 55 of knowing him (since second grade).  That much history buries the person left…"
yesterday
dream moon JO B posted photos
Saturday
dream moon JO B replied to dream moon JO B's discussion mad at god
"not bean a grt wk on pepple passin i no plu  plus near dads anvers 10 or 9 daysi am i no its bean 8 yrs "
Saturday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Bluebird, Thanks for your kind post. I feel the same as you about getting another pet. No other dog could ever take her place and no man could ever take the place of My Dear Husband, Julian. As with you, I don't want to face anymore deaths…"
Saturday
Mel Royer posted a blog post

Dark Night and Day of the Soul

Hello Morgan, Bluebird, Linda at al. I'm sorry it has been so awfully long since my last contact.  A Year? I have always read the posts, though and have felt the same horrible burning pain I have the last, nearly 5 years since Nancy left me. I have had a couple of tia's including a lengthy bout of "aphasia". It was almost comedic as I couldn't talk but kept trying to tell the emt's which hospital to drop me at. This year, I have come to the concludion will be my year, 2020 will be the year I…See More
Saturday
Susan Bishop is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Saturday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I feel the same as both of you. morgan, I'm sorry you had a particularly bad day -- I certainly know what that's like. I hope today is easier for you. Linda, I know what you mean about your dog. When our cat died, aside from the sadness I…"
Saturday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, I just wish I could have died with Julian. Like you, everyday I just go through motions. I am blessed with my Sweet Dog, Babie J. I am living for her. She now has dementia and it is so sad to watch her declining. She has been by side…"
Saturday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Amen Linda.......Today for whatever reason was a particularly rough day.  I am exhausted from crying.   I just don't know how long I can keep pushing forward.  I am definitely in the hate mode......."
Saturday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
Friday
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Maybe open yourself up, try to ride that love and passion I see in you. You loved your husband so deeply, focus on that. Maybe we are still here because we need to evolve a bit more or do something that God wants us to do. looking back I feel you…"
Friday
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Exactly If We are wrong we won’t know it, but we do know that we are energy (souls), basic physics says energy cannot be destroyed. Anything is better than existing here in this void!"
Friday
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"If you focus on the light and the good, that’s is God! I have felt it, I don’t know anything about plans or why people get taken before others but I do know that wherever that next realm  is I’m ready to go I am not…"
Friday
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"That's great that you have no doubt about the existence of an afterlife. I doubt there's a god, but if there is one I'm not convinced it's a loving God, as it allowed my husband to die young(-ish) and one week after our wedding.…"
Friday
Jeff C replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Morgan, Over the years I have thought that Bluebird gets it much more than almost everyone who has written about this - at least from my point of view. At the root of this, I think, it's the absence of their presence that hurts so much.  I…"
Friday
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"bluebird I can’t help but hold out hope in reading all these entries from people that some of them made it to the next realm. That is the reason we don’t hear from some anymore, because they passed on with with their loved ones.  I…"
Thursday
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Thank you, Joe. It does help a little bit."
Thursday
morgan replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Jeff,  Amazing isn't it?  I keep asking myself how it is I could still hurt so much from having my husband no longer with me on this earthly plane.  Not because I don't know it isn't possible but more, what is it that…"
Thursday

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