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Lost My Spouse...

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Latest Activity: Feb 12

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Lost my wife 16 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Ellis Gee Dec 28, 2019.

My Love

On November 6 of this year, I lost my husband in a tragic automobile accident. We live in Georgia and the accident was in Montana making it more difficult. I am completely lost as we were best…Continue

Started by Kathy West Dec 28, 2019.

The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on October 22, 2019 at 5:49am

Dear Morgan, Joe, Michele,

Thank you so much for caring.

She is the love of my life.

I think I will go crazy when she passes.

Right now, it's like watching my Husband die.

Living right now is pure hell.

Linda

Comment by morgan on October 22, 2019 at 12:36am

OH Linda, I am SO sorry to hear of the imminent demise of Baby J.  I lost our kitty two years after my husband died so I can understand what you are feeling now.  Please know all our thoughts and prayers are with you in this time.  There is nothing that we can do but hope our own lives are shortened by the agonizing passing of time.  Sweet Baby J will always live in your heart......a

Comment by Joe Kelly on October 21, 2019 at 2:04pm

I'm very sad for you Linda.  I know from your sharing posts that she was a reason for you to go on.  Stay close.

Joe 

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 21, 2019 at 1:39pm

Hi Morgan,

My sweet dog Babie J is now on Hospice. She saved my life when I lost my Husband. 

When I lose her, that will make living in this crappy world worse.

All I can do is get up each day and hope for death.

Comment by morgan on October 20, 2019 at 10:21pm

I am very sorry Lou.  Sorrier than you can imagine because those of us who have lost a spouse and come here to write, feel the same way you do.  We are all at different phases of the deep sorrow that can ever happen to a person when we lose the one person we love more than anything but we all understand what you are feeling.  

I have been here on and off for six almost seven years.  Just a minute ago as I was standing at the kitchen sink I realized that my husband is gone.  That I will never see him again and the lack of his presence is a constant in my life no matter what I do to try and make it feel like I will be ok.  Because I am not ok. Oh, I function better now.  I have actually tricked myself into holding a social conversation periodically or can walk into a store and not sit on the floor and cry and it seems to others like there is nothing wrong with me.  But everything is wrong with me.  Nothing will ever be right with me because half of me is missing.  

I counted on my husband to be there for me.  He loved me so much.  And I loved him back with all my heart.  I knew him since second grade (55 years) and though we were only together for 35 of those years, it would never have been enough.  Never.

Now I manage to get through days by working like a madwoman so I distract myself from thinking about how it was before he died.  I am rewiring my brain with new circumstances that don't include him physically yet it doesn't really matter.  Because my brain always reverts to who I was before he died and my heart misses so much of who I was and what I enjoyed because I shared a life with the man of my dreams that it will never rewire.  I just fool myself as much as I can so I can get up on a daily basis and function.

I'm a fraud but until I expire I am imprisoned here to live this fake life where I am forced to pretend.  The closest people I know, understand I want to die.  They know I hate life.  I am not scared to die.  I want to go to the next place.  I am anxious for it to happen.  I have not been able to hasten the process by my own hand but I do try to starve myself and the stress of grieving has taken its own toll.  I can hope something will take me soon.  Until then, I suffer.  We all suffer.  It is the worst thing that can happen to us and we will never get over it.  At least I know I wont.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 10, 2019 at 2:53pm

Hi Joe,

I understand what you mean. 

There will never be anymore of what we did together,

IT IS FINISHED.

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 9, 2019 at 12:54pm

Comment by Joe Kelly on October 9, 2019 at 10:35am

Strike those vacations below, they'll never be another one.  Went on a memorial cruise with my daughter and family four months after she passed because she was so looking forward to it.  It hurt enough to know they'll be no more.

Comment by Joe Kelly on October 9, 2019 at 10:30am

Yes Elynn, the loneliness.  That's painful.  They're not here and always was.  Our best friend, lover, and most precious thing we had.  We were lucky enough to spend the last 8 1/2 years together, joined at the hip.  Went and did everything together.  We were never alone.  Now we are.  We had a few couple friends but they disappeared after she passed.  We are reminders to what could  and will someday happen to them.  Out of sight, out of mind so to speak.  There is no substitute for what we lost.  As Peter, Paul & Mary sang "For I know they'll never be another you".  So here we sit lonely.  Even when going to the store, the doctor, vacations, or anywhere (which we always did together) hurts without her being sitting next to me in the car.  Yes, the children work and the grands go to school.  They have lives.  All I have are great memories and loads of pics playing everyday.  I go to the cemetery every day just to be close to her body.  Walking from room to room at home is full of memories never to be repeated.  It's all just part of our loss and hurts.  Would had been 50 years married on December 3rd and close to 53 years together.  There's no do overs.  God, how I wish we could go back in time.  All we can do is hope that our time will come soon and we'll be reunited with them for eternity.  Till then we suffer.

 

Comment by Elynn m on October 9, 2019 at 12:21am

I've had a rough few weeks.   August 31st would have been our 45th wedding anniversary.   September 27 was year 4 of my husband's passing.   It's pretty lonely around here.  Its difficult to talk about, because i dont have close friends around me to talk to.  I don't like to bother my kids with talking about my feelings.   Thankfully, I have a good friend in another state who I can call and talk to.  But the pain is still there.  I just need to talk..  

 

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Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"bluebird I can’t help but hold out hope in reading all these entries from people that some of them made it to the next realm. That is the reason we don’t hear from some anymore, because they passed on with with their loved ones.  I…"
2 hours ago
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Thank you, Joe. It does help a little bit."
4 hours ago
morgan replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Jeff,  Amazing isn't it?  I keep asking myself how it is I could still hurt so much from having my husband no longer with me on this earthly plane.  Not because I don't know it isn't possible but more, what is it that…"
4 hours ago
Joe Kelly replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Bluebird, I believe that every consciousness/spirit/soul is immortal.  I, or no one in our limited dimensional world can prove that right or wrong.  I can't prove my OBE either.  All I can do is share it.  Your original post…"
7 hours ago
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Joe, Thank you. I hope with everything in my soul that you are right about that, and I wish I shared your faith in that regard. If you and I have already discussed this, I apologise for repeating myself (my memory is not what it once was, and my…"
20 hours ago
bluebird left a comment for Martee
"I saw both of your posts on my profile. If nothing else, maybe rock-climbing and the like will help to distract you for a little while. And you're right, it is absolutely not fair that our beloved partners have died. I know that my husband and…"
20 hours ago
M Adams replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Hope these rituals bring comfort to you, Martee.  I have kept the ashes of my husband as well, just don’t want to part with them.  It has been more than three years since his death — but I don’t feel like there is a…"
21 hours ago
Joe Kelly replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Reading your posts, and many who post here, I think you're going to be joyously surprised when you pass over. "The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it…"
22 hours ago
Martee left a comment for Marjorie Willcox
"So sorry for your loss and pain, my soulmate died 1/29/20, been so bad for me to. I don’t let people know too much, no way I want to be taken out of my house. I feel like some people just want to watch me crash and are more nosey than…"
23 hours ago
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Joe, Thank you for your posts. Even though you don't have absolute proof of an afterlife, your out-of-body experience seems to have provided you with some level of surety, which I think is wonderful, and I must admit I'm jealous of you for…"
yesterday
Joe Kelly replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Bluebird, It doesn't make it easier so to speak.  What will help is when I allow my doctor to do some imaging, in the weeks or perhaps a couple of months ahead, I'll let him scan me, and since now I know something is spreading…"
yesterday
Josephine Crawford commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Thanks Ammy. I sometimes feel guilty when I am happy. Yes it takes time. Continued to all."
yesterday
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"I kept my husband’s ashes, I keep them next to me all day, move them to his nightstand at night. Been 3 weeks..."
yesterday
Joe Kelly replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Bluebird, Time to go to cemetery but will reply later today."
yesterday
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Joe, I wish I had your faith/assurance that there is an afterlife in which we will be reunited with our loves. I so hope that you are right about that. I think it would make this a tiny bit easier for me if I knew beyond any doubt that my husband…"
yesterday
Joe Kelly replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"I read and log on and many times I just freeze up.  It's over two years and I should be with her already and though I don't think it will be too much longer, every minute of every waking and sometimes sleeping moment is a…"
yesterday
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Morgan, Thank you; I sometimes hesitate to speak (type) the truth of how this is for me, as the last thing I want to do is make it worse for anyone else. At the same time, I know that it helped me to find others online whose truth was similar to…"
yesterday
Jeff C replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Sorry to see your stories here...  There is nothing worse.   I will be at 4 years in June.  After a while at least for me, the acute pain just became dull pain.  I have heard that grief is love turned inside out.  No…"
Tuesday
morgan replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Thank you bluebird for always encapsulating the horror movie we live in in a way that is gentle but firm.  I can only nod my head in agreement with each of the points you made because I am so exhausted by trying to explain this widowing to…"
Tuesday
bluebird and Martee are now friends
Tuesday

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