Lost My Spouse...

Members: 365
Latest Activity: Sep 11

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on August 19, 2019 at 6:05am

Hello Friends,

As all of you have stated, I too fake my happiness. I laugh on the outside and am crying for him on the inside. I ache so bad that my Julian is not in my life. I just don't understand why God won't take me. Until he does, I have to suffer in silence.

Comment by Nancy on August 18, 2019 at 10:23pm

Morgan.  I wish I had answers but I am in the very same place.  Lost, fake and hollow.  I feel worse than I did a year ago I think because I thought I would feel better and don't. Empty and apathetic.  I'm tired all the time and am disinterested in everything.  The only thing I can say that may give you comfort is you are not alone.  I wish I could be more encouraging.

Comment by bluebird on August 18, 2019 at 10:19pm

I don't know why this has happened to us, our soulmates being torn from us, but it fucking sucks. Have you considered not acting happy and normal, since that isn't how you feel? Especially if acting that way isn't helping you. 99% of the time, I refuse to pretend. I simply can't do it, and I don't give a damn what other people think of that, or of me. It would be too hard to pretend, and I see no reason why I should. I don't know if this is the right/best way for you, but it may be something for you to consider. ((((hugs))))
Comment by morgan on August 18, 2019 at 10:12pm

Please somebody, tell me how I can continue to do this.  I am so depressed.  I get up every day and pretend.  It's what is making me so depressed.  It looks like I am functioning so normally.  Now that I have learned how to talk with people and hide my true feelings, I laugh and make jokes and help others and work hard.  And all of it is so hollow.  I'm such a fake.  I hate having to act like I am ok when I am totally shattered.  Like I have to pretend I care.  Like life means something.  
I have been cat sitting.  I love kitty cats, always have.  But even that is not enough.  It's a poor substitute for what I need.  I need him.  I need him to not be dead.  To be alive in my arms.  To be that intense beam of light he was for me every day for 35 years.  To be within me and care deeply for how I felt. 
I really don't know how to keep going in this on again off again painful place.  I can go through hours at a time and do the pretending and get stuff done but what for?  Why do I HAVE to do this?  
I know why........because I don't have the guts to take my life.  I was taught that it wouldn’t and isn't the way to leave this world.  So here I am, every day, doing what I have to do to keep a roof over my head, wondering why I was taught I couldn’t leave by my own hand and hating every minute of life.  
And at the same time, I feel like part of my day I am now anesthetized against having feeling.  A zombie.  I can't even explain how dead I am inside. I so want to die outside.  I long to, I wish to die.  It’s like an overriding wish above all else.
Sorry if this bums people out but I am just so fed up with continuing to deal with my real feelings.  The ones that make up my fervent desire to cross over and not have to keep making decisions.  It makes me physically sick in my stomach because, for example, I don’t know what to eat and I either eat too much at once or nothing at all or only stuff I like even though eating like that makes my stomach churn.  Or I can’t seem to get any decent sleep.  I fall asleep in the chair and then I go to bed and I'm wide awake.  Or I go to bed and fall asleep and then wake up two hours later and can’t get back to sleep.  And most of the OTC stuff makes me sick in my stomach or gives me other issues that I don't need. 
I hate to only come on here and be depressed but it’s about the one place where I know those who know where I am mentally and emotionally, are in the same place.  Wouldn't it just be easier on all of us if we could just trade our lives for someone who wants to be alive? Isn't there a way I could bargain for that kind of trade?
Enough depression for one night I guess.  Sometimes after this long when I have reached another impassable stretch when it seems life should have gotten better or at least think I shouldn't be having such a tough time understanding death I have to come here and just scream how fucking hard this is and how I wish I could do more about it than just scream in cyberspace.  The missing just won’t let up.  I can’t stop thinking about him and when I do I just want to end it. How can I go on like this?  For how long will the universe make me do this?

Comment by Joe Kelly on August 2, 2019 at 9:48am

My Love, My life, My ALL passed over on January 21, 2018.  Since then, every day has been the same day.  I was holding her in my arms on the bed and our four grown children arrived.  She smiled at them and then said "I'm sorry", feeling sad for them because they were crying.  I was also and She looked up at me and said "don't cry".  I said "I can't help it".  We spoke and she said I was the only man she ever loved in her life, along with her father.  We were together since age 16, close to 52 years.  I asked if She believes we will be together forever someday.  She shook her head yes.  I said you won't wait long for me and no one will ever replace you.  I said "give me a kiss"  She puckered up with such a sad look knowing it would be our last kiss.  We stared into each other's eyes and She took her last breath.  At that very instant, I thought to myself "I have to go where She just went".  My children left the room and I held her there for about 40 minutes talking to Her when my son came in in and said we have to call 911 now.  I was in shock and over the next couple of days and don't comprehend how I managed to arrange her funeral with my children.  It was as if She wasn't really gone.  Then, following Her casket out of church, to proceed to the cemetery, it hit me.  I was never going to see Her here with me again.  That's when the horror began and hasn't left since.

I relive that day every day.  I visit our permanent bed (our cemetery plot), her grave, every day.  I will be there every day till I'm there with Her everyday.  Every day, I pray it is my last and this body goes on even though it is not a healthy body.  I feel like it's been too long and I promised She wouldn't wait long for me.  I hope there is no time in Her realm because I feel like I'm letting Her down somehow as all this time passes.  I have to go naturally as She did, with all the suffering felt as She did.  I could and sometimes think that I could just end it all now but have an instinctive feeling that if I do that, I might not end up where She is.  I can't take that chance.  I must go on and suffer for that chance to enter the realm She is in.  Loneliness is part of the suffering but I would feel that loneliness no matter what without Her here anyway.  I had the most wonderful life with her.  She was a gift beyond description and all I want, my only "till then" is to go to Her and continue our Oneness for all eternity.  How will it be?  I'm not sure but as long as we both know we are together as ONE spirit, we will be in Paradise.  The suffering is unbearable but worth it for what is a couple or few years compared to eternal Joy?  Never lose that hope all my fellow sufferers.  God Bless.



Comment by Jonathan on August 2, 2019 at 12:46am
Lost my wife 10th July 2018.

Life has been extremely low since that fateful day and has been praying for that day where I will be fetch by angels send by our loving Heavenly Father to with beloved wife again.

Just not very sure till now why she has to be taken away from me and when will that day of our reunion be......

By the way, I am from Singapore.......
Comment by bluebird on August 1, 2019 at 9:37pm
That keeps happening to me, too. To a lot of us here, I think. I know you feel alone, and in some ways you are (we all are), but at the same time you can always come here and post what you're feeling and what's going on with you, and we will understand.
Comment by W0lfman on August 1, 2019 at 8:44pm

Well its been along time since i posted here I thought i was getting better then all of a sudden my life crashes around me again and i feel like i cant go one with out my dear wife.  Im running out of things to keep on going dont know why i am posting this i guess i just need to vent a little i have no one to talk with anymore

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 7, 2019 at 6:55am

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 7, 2019 at 6:54am


So sorry about your Sister. I myself spent the 4th with my sweet dog Babie J. I prefer her company to humans. She does not judge me she just loves me for what I am. 

I too believe that death does not do us part. We we love each other until we are reunited.

I had this this done the 2 year of his death.


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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi, Avi. I hope that we are all doing great as well. That's a lot to hope for. When I first lost my mom, the idea of doing great seemed impossible, and it still seems like it is an incredibly hard task. I think of what we are experiencing now…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Today we Remember 9/11. I can't even imagine the terror and heartbreak the families must still have. Losing my Husband Julian under normal circumstances was bad enough.  God Bless all the people that still suffer from this horrible…"
Sep 11
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Dear Morgan, Thanks so very much for your supportive letter. Sorry i didn't see it before. I replied to it just now, Sending you love and good wishes."
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you friends for sharing your thoughts. I don't know what I do, if I didn't have this place to come to. We are all suffering and the real world just doesn't understand what we are going through. I miss the tender touch of my…"
Sep 10
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I have nothing that I want to or have to, to keep me busy except doing what I'm doing which has to have something to do with Her.  Like yesterday, I found a small  3/4 X 2 1/2 inch bottle with a cork when I went to the dollar store…"
Sep 9
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, Check your inbox for a message from me. Joe,  So true.  That's exactly why I post here too.  I keep thinking if I get it off my chest and out into cyberspace at least I know I wont be suffering alone.  That consoles…"
Sep 9
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello All, I am sorry that I have not posted here for a while now to show my support for you. On August 4th it was the fifth anniversary of Joseph's passing. I just don't have the strength or energy anymore to keep pushing to survive each…"
Sep 9
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm in the 19th month and don't know what to say, except that the only time I'm not living this horrible nightmare is when I sleep and don't dream at all.  Even when I post in a way to try to console anyone here, in a way,…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, Once again I want to Thank You for sharing you thoughts with us. You put into words the things I don't know how to express."
Sep 9
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I don't mean to be a downer, but I am not sure there is an end to our grief. I know mine is still going strong. I wish the good things in my life were as consistent as this is. We have to keep moving though. Keep taking baby steps. Assay…"
Sep 8
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John T,   I saw your post late late last night.  I see you are still doing your best to cope. I remember a time that I wasn't even coping. I was barely standing.  After six years seven months I have become anesthetized.…"
Sep 8
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi All, Today I suddenly had grief all over the day. I miss my mother a lot and it seems that there is no end to this grief. Hope I meet her someday when I leave this world.  Just wanted to share my feelings here because people around me…"
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