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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by morgan on May 5, 2019 at 8:16pm
Linda, I just checked the site and see today is a marker for you. If a few drinks helps to numb you to the pain then it is necessary. I am still flailing around trying to figure out how I can continue to live through this grief. I tend to work like a maniac to distract from my thinking. But when I think it brings me to my knees no matter what I do. All I can hope for is that the universe sees fit to end this soon. I would be so happy to go........
Comment by Linda Engberg on May 5, 2019 at 1:22pm

Thanks Joe, the way I handle it is have a few drinks to make me numb. I know it is not the right way to handle his death but it's the only thing that helps me.

Comment by Joe Kelly on May 5, 2019 at 8:24am

I know it will be a more painful day than usual Linda and hope you can cope the best you can.  I haven't been posting much but visit this site daily.  I'm just not able to post much but think of all of those of us suffering not being with our Loves.  We're all just waiting for our reunion with them and each day is hell without them.  Someday we will go to them.  What day?  I always hope it's today.  Where is that bus?  I'll say a prayer for you and all of us that it arrives soon.   

Comment by Linda Engberg on May 5, 2019 at 6:39am

Today is 7 years to the day I loss my Husband Julian.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 16, 2019 at 4:25pm

This past week we lost a young man of 24 with three children, If there is a God why would he take this young man instead of me who's life is over.

I really question my faith.

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 8, 2019 at 9:10am

Hi Joe,

Beautifully said, Hope to meet everyone here on the bus to our loved ones.

Comment by Joe Kelly on April 6, 2019 at 12:26pm

Life is life and very few ever experience becoming one with someone.  Those few died when they died.  Now it's just waiting to go to them because we know they can't come back.  Every day is the same day for me.  Today is the same day as yesterday.  Tomorrow will be the same day as today.  We are just stuck waiting for the day we reunite with them.  That day will eventually come but every day we suffer the waiting.  One thing I focus on is that I (and many here) had something that oneness with my spouse (she was the better half as far as I'm concerned), and she gave me a wonderful life.  I'm grateful for that wonderful life and I wish we could do it all over again, but know it's not possible.  Therefore, I wait.  Wait to die and join her where ever she is.  To again experience the joy of our love I miss every moment of my day.  Moving on or "recovering" does not compute.  There is no more life in me to move on to.  There was only ONE Her who became one with me and I with her.  Reuniting with her is my only "till then" left.  That's why there is no tomorrow for me.  That's why every day is the same day; the same day after I woke up after burying her and acknowledged she not here.  I concentrate not on those who go on with their lives with or without loss of their spouse.  My mother quickly "recovered" from my fathers death but know from being very young, they never had the oneness of each other.  Same with my siblings and many I know who lost their spouse.  They wanted to live and be happy again.  I don't judge them for that.  I, in a way pity them for that though, because not many get to where I and many here had gotten to.  Who will be waiting for them when their day comes?  What do they have to look forward to when that day comes, and that day will come. I want nothing more.  I will never relent.  My promises to her her on her death bed will be fulfilled.  We will be together forever, and she died believing that.  I asked her if she believed that and she shook her head yes, after she said I was the only man she ever loved.  Those were her last words.  After shaking her head yes and me asking for a kiss, she puckered up.  I kissed her and she took her last breath.  It was an exhale.  I laid there holding her for over a half hour and my son said they have to call 911 to report it.  The police came and gave me a few more minutes holding her.  She felt cold by then but I know that she was watching it all.  I know she is still watching.  I know she sees how much I love her.  I hope she isn't suffering over watching me, but knowing her, it can't be without a little pain.  That's why I keep telling her to take joy in my love for her, that I'll be there as soon as I can.    I won't let it happen unnaturally though.  I was telling someone else that there is a bus with my name on it, and I'm waiting for that bus to arrive.  She's waiting at the other end where that bus is to bring me.  I can't take a chance on getting on a different bus because it might not stop at where she's waiting and there might not be another bus to go to her bus stop from where it drops me off.  So wait I will, suffer I will, till that bus arrives.    

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 6, 2019 at 7:05am

Hi Morgan,

Your words ring the truth of all of us on this forum. Tuesday, Jonathan a 24 year father of three children (My most favorite maintenance person) was death at the scene of an auto accident. They revived him and now he is on life support and diagnosed as brain dead. Where is the justice on this earth. Why couldn't the Lord take me and give this young man life to enjoy his family. Life is unfair and always will be.

Comment by morgan on April 5, 2019 at 10:10pm

This was a letter I wrote to a friend about three months after my husband died.  Not much has changed after six plus years...........


I've been sick with a sore throat and today was another wickedly brutal crying day. There is nothing that seems to quell the terror in my heart. Being sick hasn't helped.

I would like to see you and yet I am not sure how I am going to feel come Monday morning. If we could leave it so that if I can make it between 9:00-930 Monday morning then I can attempt to get myself together in time to come over. I never know how I am going to be so "planning" is pretty difficult. At least if I am unable to make it during that time then you haven't ruined your whole day/morning. If not then seeing you again might have to wait. Let me know if that works.

My husband's  death has taken on a life of its own in my mind. I can't explain it. I try to do things but it is very hard. This new life is very exhausting. Everything I was -I am not. I cannot laugh or smile. I feel jealous of those with long lives and long marriages, and angry at the ones who dont ever seem to appreciate what they have. I get anxious easily. I cry effortlessly and feel deep emotion with abandon. I don't sleep enough and I eat too little. I don't know how to take care of myself. I don't know how to care anymore. About life. About being alive.

So there I am. In a place I don't recognize as life with no place else to go.

I wish this for no one and yet millions of people are experiencing this every day. How deep the relationships are I have no idea but mine was like the magma in inner earth. Just can't imagine how I'll manage.

Comment by M Adams on April 1, 2019 at 7:14pm

So glad you found the picture in his wallet, Linda, that must have been such a sweet discovery for you. My father carries a photo of my mother in his wallet, but he only started doing it after her death last fall, so it doesn’t have quite the same meaning as doing it during her life.  Still my heart was touched the first time I saw him bring it out to show it to someone.  

 

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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Happy Father's Day to my Husband Julian in Heaven. I miss you so much."
23 hours ago
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I started to compose a blow by blow sequence of events of my loves illness and passing but it became too painful and couldn't continue.  Here we share how we are feeling grieving our lost Loves.  In reality, most of my underlying…"
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"No matter how we express our thoughts, we are all in the same boat together. We just keep waiting for it to sink so we can join our loved ones."
yesterday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"M Adams, I totally understand; I detest being around happy families, and especially happy couples. It's not that I want anything bad to happen to them, I definitely do not. It's just that they have what my beloved and I should still have,…"
yesterday
M Adams commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"usually I find your comments really clear, Linda, so I don’t think it’s not being good with words, more that it’s hard to express these things in words.  Actually I couldn’t follow what Joe said either, but it’s…"
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello M Adams Joe explained in his post of how I feel. I am not good with words on explaining things but Joe you said it perfectly. I just want to thank everyone here for sharing their thoughts, as we are all in the same boat together."
yesterday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Speaking for myself, I identify with Linda.  My Love left our world and I know it, and accept that she crossed over into another realm of existence and can't come back.  I want her back and I live in HELL every day without her. …"
Saturday
M Adams commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, not sure what you mean here when you say you can accept the loss of your husband but not being able to change it is your whole problem — do you mean not being able to change the fact of the loss, or not being able to change the way it…"
Friday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, Like you mentioned in your post, there is no normal in my life. I just take each day as it comes and just wait for death. I can accept that Julian is gone but not being able to change it is my whole problem."
Friday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Haven't been writing recently as have had so much to organize in my life I just haven't had a moment and when I do I am so tired.  So grateful to everyone else who continues to write though.  I look here daily to read.…"
Friday
mindy posted a status
"Hello everyone I'm doing ok I went back to work and just had my meeting there today they said I'm doing an awesome job"
Thursday
mindy and Brenda Ann are now friends
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"They told me that Mom had a heart attack.  It happened on the weekend.  I had made her breakfast & she seemed fine.  I am thankful she was at home & that I was with her, but it hurts so much knowing she is gone.  I just…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I was with my mom when she passed and it was not sudden. I may have thought I was prepared. I wasn't. I tried to say and do all of the right things. Still, after her last breath, it was as though I hadn't prepared at all. I knew what to…"
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks so much!  It helps having others that understand.  Some of my family is supportive & that helps.  It helps just having someone listen that truly understands.  I have one sibling, but he was never as close to my…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It's important to have people in your life who understand, even if they are on a message board like this, because sometimes you have to look far and wide to find someone to walk with you. Sometimes I will call my mom's sister. She will…"
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thank you, some days are better than others.  I feel so for you.  My Mom was the center of my world also.  I lived with her & took care of her.  I am so thankful that I could be there for her, but now I miss her so…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Three months is not very long. It is still very fresh for you. There will be a lot of triggers. Sometimes they will hit you out of the blue. Other times you know that one is coming, like if you have to drive by a familiar place. It's important…"
Thursday
Patrick E Woodson posted a status
"Hello everyone. I lost my best friend two weeks ago. I'm constantly crying feeling like I can't go on."
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I never cried much before, but I do now.  I think crying does help.  I had a trigger this morning & have been crying since.  It has been over three months, but I still feel numb.  "
Thursday

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