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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on April 1, 2019 at 7:01am

Hello M Adams,

You had a wonderful caring Husband who thought only of you during his illness. My heart goes out to you. You were so blessed just like me. I finally went through my Husband's wallet after 6 years and found a picture of me an him.  

Comment by M Adams on March 31, 2019 at 5:05pm

Just wanted to mention a strange discovery that I came across a few days ago. My father, who was visiting here for the first time since my husband’s death, had a business appointment and needed a suitable bag for documents, iPad etc.  I have kept a lot of my husband’s things just as they were, so when I decided to loan my father the satchel that my husband used, I first needed to check inside it.  There were various items in there that made me remember something I’d forgotten, that my husband had it with him in the hospital...he had been very ill and had been in hospital more than a week,  but was better and due to come home the next day when a “cascade of events” occurred and he suddenly died.  His time in hospital had been especially traumatic for a number of reasons, and we were just getting through it minute to minute with no energy to think of anything much else.  So I was extremely surprised to find in his bag a gift card of all things, filled out in his handwriting, to get me a gift subscription to The Atlantic.  The fact that he was thinking of me and trying to order a present for me at that terrible time is so shockingly kind and sweet, it makes me simultaneously very sad and very happy, also grateful.

Comment by Joe Kelly on March 31, 2019 at 9:23am

Linda, it could be my computer.  I let Windows and Firefox and McAfee install updates.  Something must be clashing with something.  If it's working for you, then it's not this web site so I don't think Ninja can help.  I just won't post as many pics I guess or if I do, won't expect to see them.  Thank you all for your compliments.  She was the sweetest and so pretty all of her life.  This is a little morbid, but she was beautiful when she took her last breath and beautiful in her casket.

Morgan, it's a Catch 22.  I've been up for two hours and already broke down twice and know it won't be the last time today that it will happen.  The first was when I first woke up.  I had a dream that we were exchanging something for something else.  Kind of like giving a man money for something like chips.  When she gave him whatever it was, he put it in his pocket and was about to walk away.  I said you have to give her what ever it was he was suppose to give her.  He acknowledged that and reached into his pocket.  That was it though and I woke up.  That made me think about the time she acknowledged that she was going to die.  She said "I'm being gyp't". 

There is no pep talk.  There is no therapy.  Not for what we have.  Yes, there are times here and there about am I pretending?  They are fleeting though and very short because I immediately go back to my experience so many years ago and I know what happened.  That doesn't help the pain of Her not being here though.  It only gives me hope and faith.  That too doesn't stop the anguish living in this nightmare all day everyday.  Even the small distractions aren't enough.  That's when I'm pretending but even with that, it's still there.  She's not here with me physically.  I know She can't ever be here with me that way, and that I can only go to Her.  No one and nothing can inflict a greater torture on me than I feel all my waking and sometimes my sleeping moments.  The hope is that it's soon, and the faith is that it will happen someday. 

When I think about my body, it's a different entity.  Every cell, even cancer cells, viruses, infection, etc. strive to survive.  They will fight off anything that tries to destroy it.  Yes, our immune system can be modified with vaccines to fight back, many work and many don't.  It's when those cells that harm our bodies win out and destroy us.  Even after we're dead, they keep going on trying to survive, feeding on us till there is nothing left to feed on and then they die.  

That's why the only defense I have is to let nature take it's course.  I don't know for how long I will suffer, but suffer I will till I go to Her.  She's depending on me to see it through I think.  I will not relent and hurry it up because it might not only bring eternal suffering to myself, but more importantly bring Her eternal suffering. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 31, 2019 at 6:52am

Hi Joe,

I do see the picture of your wife. She is a very pretty. When I post my pictures I do see them before I post. I didn't do anything special, maybe it is your computer. 

Morgan, I am right there with you on your thoughts. Why do I have to stay on this earth when all I want to do is be with my Julian.

Comment by morgan on March 31, 2019 at 12:17am

And Joe,  I see the sweetest, prettiest little girl at her First Communion.  And now where is she?  Damn, I hate loss.........

Comment by morgan on March 31, 2019 at 12:15am

i'm not going to do this.  i'm not going to make it.  i cannot live without him.  i want out.  i just had another meltdown.  

Then I read the latest posts and I too don't want to let my husband down but I seriously question how much more of this i can take.  My neural network is fried.  Th suffering doesn't stop.  And he is not here and I don't know why i am.   

I need more than a pep talk.  I need more than retail therapy.  I need more than to pretend.  I need more than the constant chatter of tv or computer to distract me.  I need him and he's gone.  He's never going to be in my life here again.   Yes, there's a huge risk to end it but I am dying inside.  

Comment by M Adams on March 30, 2019 at 10:47pm

I see the communion photo, and a while back there were multiple copies of the adult one of your wife that you posted, but after a while, maybe a day or so after that posting, only one image remained.  Did Ninja have any guidance on why you don’t see your own posted pix?  

Comment by Joe Kelly on March 30, 2019 at 5:15pm

Well, I don't see it.  Do any of you?  Linda, you post a lot of pics.  Do you see your pics when you post them?

Comment by Joe Kelly on March 30, 2019 at 5:14pm

I want to do a pic test here now to see what happens.  I didn't make any changer to settings since rejoining and they look to be at the defaults.  In the beginning, I was able to see the pics I posted along with you guys seeing them.  Hope it works.  I have pics of her since about age 2 till days before I lost her.  This was her 1st Communion:

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 30, 2019 at 3:39pm

Hi Joe,

I feel the same thoughts that you do. I will let nature take it's course and I will not seek medical intervention to keep me longer on this earth. I would take my life in a minute if it wasn't for my religious belief that I will not join him in Heaven. I will take whatever is dished out to me.

 

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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Happy Father's Day to my Husband Julian in Heaven. I miss you so much."
yesterday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I started to compose a blow by blow sequence of events of my loves illness and passing but it became too painful and couldn't continue.  Here we share how we are feeling grieving our lost Loves.  In reality, most of my underlying…"
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"No matter how we express our thoughts, we are all in the same boat together. We just keep waiting for it to sink so we can join our loved ones."
Saturday
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"M Adams, I totally understand; I detest being around happy families, and especially happy couples. It's not that I want anything bad to happen to them, I definitely do not. It's just that they have what my beloved and I should still have,…"
Saturday
M Adams commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"usually I find your comments really clear, Linda, so I don’t think it’s not being good with words, more that it’s hard to express these things in words.  Actually I couldn’t follow what Joe said either, but it’s…"
Saturday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello M Adams Joe explained in his post of how I feel. I am not good with words on explaining things but Joe you said it perfectly. I just want to thank everyone here for sharing their thoughts, as we are all in the same boat together."
Saturday
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Speaking for myself, I identify with Linda.  My Love left our world and I know it, and accept that she crossed over into another realm of existence and can't come back.  I want her back and I live in HELL every day without her. …"
Saturday
M Adams commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, not sure what you mean here when you say you can accept the loss of your husband but not being able to change it is your whole problem — do you mean not being able to change the fact of the loss, or not being able to change the way it…"
Friday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, Like you mentioned in your post, there is no normal in my life. I just take each day as it comes and just wait for death. I can accept that Julian is gone but not being able to change it is my whole problem."
Friday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Haven't been writing recently as have had so much to organize in my life I just haven't had a moment and when I do I am so tired.  So grateful to everyone else who continues to write though.  I look here daily to read.…"
Friday
mindy posted a status
"Hello everyone I'm doing ok I went back to work and just had my meeting there today they said I'm doing an awesome job"
Thursday
mindy and Brenda Ann are now friends
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"They told me that Mom had a heart attack.  It happened on the weekend.  I had made her breakfast & she seemed fine.  I am thankful she was at home & that I was with her, but it hurts so much knowing she is gone.  I just…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I was with my mom when she passed and it was not sudden. I may have thought I was prepared. I wasn't. I tried to say and do all of the right things. Still, after her last breath, it was as though I hadn't prepared at all. I knew what to…"
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks so much!  It helps having others that understand.  Some of my family is supportive & that helps.  It helps just having someone listen that truly understands.  I have one sibling, but he was never as close to my…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It's important to have people in your life who understand, even if they are on a message board like this, because sometimes you have to look far and wide to find someone to walk with you. Sometimes I will call my mom's sister. She will…"
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thank you, some days are better than others.  I feel so for you.  My Mom was the center of my world also.  I lived with her & took care of her.  I am so thankful that I could be there for her, but now I miss her so…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Three months is not very long. It is still very fresh for you. There will be a lot of triggers. Sometimes they will hit you out of the blue. Other times you know that one is coming, like if you have to drive by a familiar place. It's important…"
Thursday
Patrick E Woodson posted a status
"Hello everyone. I lost my best friend two weeks ago. I'm constantly crying feeling like I can't go on."
Thursday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I never cried much before, but I do now.  I think crying does help.  I had a trigger this morning & have been crying since.  It has been over three months, but I still feel numb.  "
Thursday

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