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Comment by Monty on February 11, 2019 at 5:48pm

Trina

I don't think that I could have expressed it better.

its a shame that it is this way, but it is.

Have the best day you can

Regards Monty

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 11, 2019 at 4:12pm

Trina,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I talk about my Husband to my family and friends. If they don't like it, then don't talk to me.

It's getting to the point where I don't care what they think. Just because most people did not have a wonderful marriage with their Husband, it's not my problem. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on February 11, 2019 at 9:18am

When I am around people—my family and friends—they don’t want me to talk about my true feelings, they don’t want to hear how much I still Joseph after four and a half years. I don’t talk about missing him anymore, but I do mention Joseph in my conversation whenever the context asks for it. This way I get to remember and honor Joseph without having to see the lack of interest on their faces when I talk about my pain. This approach has been working for me.
Nobody wants to hear of someone else’s loss or pain; it takes away their joy of living and they openly resent it.
I sometimes look at other couples and feel a little bit of jealousy. They have their loved ones by them and they are enjoying all that life has to offer. But me and people like us only have our memories...
Be well, everyone. Sending you all love and prayers.

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 11, 2019 at 6:02am

Hi Monty,

That you for sharing you thoughts with the me.

Comment by Monty on February 10, 2019 at 5:17pm

Hi Linda

 It's sad when we can't relate to the rest of the world and they can't relate to us, as our point of view is so much different to people in the world.

 I too am finding that the world doesn't understand let alone be ready to hear how I feel. and my feeling is that if I try and tell them about it it will drive them away.

I have been reading that it's ok to not be ok.  some interesting content.

I do find even if I just get and about (even though I don't want to ) afterwards sometimes I feel better.

 yesterday I was asked to drive my mother in law to go see a friend off on a cruise ship.  I didn't want to but felt obligated as she has felt so helpful

 the day was beautiful and there were several festivals/events on.

I spent half a day having lunch with her friend and their children

I so wanted to share my pain and talk about the loss but I listened and smiled.

and after 90 min drive in horrible traffic, each way and 2 hours of lunch the day was done.

I didn't get anything I wished to get done.

but at the end of it wasnt such a bad day

I hope we can all have the best day we can.

regards Monty

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 10, 2019 at 5:31am

Hello Everyone,

I am so glad I have this group o share my thoughts. Just recently it seems like I am losing support from my family. They don't call me as much anyone and rarely answer my posts on Facebook.

I know the reason why. When I do talk to them I talk about Julian and they always change the subject. I feel it will be better for them and myself not to have contact with them anymore.

I am just fine and decided to just live in my own little world with my sweet dog Babie J. I do have many friends but I keep them at a distance because I know they do not like when I mention Julian.

They just feel I should move on and start a new life. Well, they are dead wrong. I know I will never move on. What For. My life ended when my dear Husband took his last breath. I died with him and will just have to wait to join him again.

Thanks again for all the support I get from all of you. God Bless.

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 6, 2019 at 3:55pm

Comment by morgan on February 6, 2019 at 3:55pm

I don't know what to say anymore.  I read posts and totally commiserate. Joe, you hit a couple high spots.  I too had a horrible day on Monday, simply heart rending....wailing, sobbing, screaming.......Then last night there was another break with reality.  You said it all when you said and I quote:"Out of nowhere, the horror of it all hits me at times. My confidence shatters. I want her (him) back here. Now! Or, better yet since I know that can't happen, GOD, take me to Her already."

YES, exhausting, needy, knowing, not enough stop the pain.......and all of us here post to try and give hope to each other while paddling upstream through the rapids which are engulfing us.....

Unfortunately for some of us there is no end in sight.  It gets "better" because:

1) after a period of time under duress our brains will block images or triggers because I think it knows it is beating the hell out of our bodies and it wants us to last as long as we can to beat us some more.  Part sarcasm, part truth.

2) We isolate ourselves because we feel guilty that all we have to talk about is how miserable we honestly and truly are and we know others cannot possibly understand why we still aren't over it enough to relate to life again in what they consider a fuller way so we don't participate.

 3)  Sometimes there simply is no trigger or landmine just the visceral anguish of not being able to hold that one person who was everything......I'm having way too much of that lately and it is really pushing me in a not so great direction.  But then do I really really care?

 4) Unfortunately there isn't a damn thing we can do about it......nothing......a helplessness that for me, now, is so ingrained that all the pushing I have done to move "forward", to try to live life to see if it makes a difference seems to be one big joke on me.  

I think having children makes a difference to the extent they provide this monument to reason where having birthed a part of you into this world you might feel you would be violating a sacred trust so you must continue with the contract.......I never had children.....so for me I don't have to carry that additional pain.  

Problem is I don't see a way out of this for those who grieve deeply.  Many reasons for it and coping does not necessarily mean we are healing.  I talk it through with the one person my husband chose to watch over me if something happened to him and he gets it and does what he can to keep me alive but I have to say I have been having alot of second thoughts lately about how much I am willing to withstand.  In the beginning, the notion of taking my own life was desperation.  Now it has taken on more a form of determination.  Will I last?  Who knows.  I just know when I hit the hole and start digging it is seeming less and less likely I am willing to put up with the pain.  In all other respects I am a very strong person but this missing him has me whipped.

And yes, Linda, but it seems even the devil wont bargain with me.  

thank you to all of you here.......thank you for listening.......

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 6, 2019 at 7:43am

Hello Everyone,

I can relate to every ones post. I would sell my soul to the Devil if I could have him back in good health.

I find that if I keep busy, the pain is not as bad. I run, do yard work and help my neighbors. I really don't need my friends, they don't want to listen to me talk about my Julian. I share all my thoughts with all of the folks on this forum. You all understand my thoughts and don't judge me. I thank God for every one of you. God Bless

Comment by Elynn m on February 4, 2019 at 11:57pm

Thank you everyone for your response.   I'm just tired of being lonely.   I talk to Joe all of the time, and long for his voice, and wisdom.   I feel so bad that I didn't tell him often enough how special he was.

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