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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by joe kelly on February 5, 2019 at 5:27pm

Moments like this are exhausting, petrifying, needing Her here with me knowing She can't be.  Her being with me spiritually isn't enough to stop the pain when I'm like this.  I know that's selfish of me and not Her fault, and let her know that.  Catch 22 again.

Comment by joe kelly on February 5, 2019 at 5:19pm

Having a very rough evening.  Out of nowhere, the horror of it all hits me at times.  My confidence shatters.  I want her back here.  Now!  Or, better yet since I know that can't happen, GOD, take me to Her already.  Now!

Comment by Elynn m on February 4, 2019 at 11:57pm

Thank you everyone for your response.   I'm just tired of being lonely.   I talk to Joe all of the time, and long for his voice, and wisdom.   I feel so bad that I didn't tell him often enough how special he was.

Comment by joe kelly on February 4, 2019 at 7:23pm

OPPS< Forgot to add the web site:

https://www.refugeingrief.com/

Comment by joe kelly on February 4, 2019 at 7:22pm

Sorry Elynn, I too misspelled your name, but do want to add something.  Grief is not depression.  Depression is a pathological mental illness.  Grief is not, and the medical field is starting to catch on to that.  In many or most cases, depression can be arrested with medication.  They try to call this "complicated grief", and the standard of care is slowly becoming bereavement counseling where medication is not recommended.  You maybe suffering from depression, I'm not a doctor.  Only you or a doctor can decide that.  If you believe it to be depression, by all means, get it checked out. 

Here is a psychotherapist who lost her love and immediately quit her field and wanted to apologize to all her patients.  Her book is "It's OK that you're not OK".  I found it useful but her lose, while devastating, doesn't come close to the lose most of us here experienced.

The Gist of it all is that our medical culture doesn't really understand difficult grief or how to treat it. 

 

Comment by joe kelly on February 4, 2019 at 6:26pm

Hi Ellen,

Yes, when two were one and one is taken away from the other, naturally the one left behind is going to feel extreme loneliness.  I'm extremely lonely even though I have the support of my family.  I see them often enough and can talk to some of them about Her, but I still spend most of my time in my cube of hell, alone; well, sort of.  I believe She is here spiritually but yearn to interact with Her and She can't do that.  I still talk to her as though She is here, because I believe She is.  It doesn't surprise me that most who we thought were friends seemed to have disappeared after She died.  One couple who were great friends of ours remains.  That's it.  But, they live 100 miles away and are snow birding down south right now.  We use to often meet half way to spend a day together.  Before they left for the south, I met up with them for a day.  All we talked about was Her.  They have the true love for each other the we had/have for each other.  We were there for them when they had a cancer scare.  Fortunately, it appears as though she is cured which was wonderful for them and us too.  They get it.  Most people don't because they see me and fear it could happen to them.  Hence, out of sight, out of mind.  They don't want to hear about it out of fear.  It seems like a defense mechanism.  Our culture concerning death is messed up IMO.  On one side many believe that when you die, you're all gone.  Some, out of that fear grasp onto some religion of different sorts for hope of an afterlife.  We're fed all of these ideas throughout our lives and when we lose the One we love with all our consciousness, what is the logical theory for us three dimensional beings?  They're gone.  Is that really logical though?  Are we smart enough to really know that?  Strange that quantum physics can mathematically prove that quarks exist but are not able to see them.  Yet most of these scientists will say there is no afterlife. 

I'm going to re-post a reflection I posted a while back written by

Dietrich Bonhoeffer:

Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we loved and it would be wrong to find a substitute; we must simply hold out and see it through.  That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, for the gap, as long as it remains unfilled, preserves the bonds between us.  It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; God doesn't fill it, but on the contrary, keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communication with each other, even at the cost of pain.

I can talk to people about Her but the only way to somewhat help my loneliness, is to talk to Her.  Even though she can't talk back.          

Comment by M Adams on February 4, 2019 at 5:40pm

Apologies Elynn — just noticed the misspelling of your name, think maybe it was autocorrected in my previous message.  Should have proofread before I added my comment.

Comment by M Adams on February 4, 2019 at 4:06pm

Sorry you’re feeling so lonely, Elena — would it help at all to talk about your husband here, write about him, I mean?  Or is it more a desire to talk about him with people who knew you as a couple?  I know it was very meaningful for me to hear people who knew me and my husband talk about their good memories of him.  

Comment by Elynn m on February 3, 2019 at 11:15pm

I haven't been here in awhile, but have been so lonely.. I try to talk to people  about Joe, but they don't understand.   I guess they really are afraid to ask about him. I've been really depressed lately.     I do have one friend who is very sensitive, and will talk to me about Joe, because she realizes that it is very good therapy.  She talks to me as if Joe were still here.    I consider her my friend, but now she and her husband are moving away, and I'm feeling as though I will be losing another part of me.     It's really sad, at my age, to realize that I have more acquaintances than friends.   It's a lonely life without my wonderful husband.  Yes, he is still with me in spirit, but I do need him here to touch and feel, and talk to.  It will be 3 years and 5 months on February 22nd.  I'm so grateful for this group.  Thank you for letting me vent. And for all of you who know Jesus, I could use some prayer!  

Comment by joe kelly on February 3, 2019 at 8:50pm

Thanks to all for posting.  I visit often but don't always sign in.  Sometimes I just don't have the strength to.  When I see you guys post, I feel compelled to join in and share my thoughts and feelings as you all do.

Monty, hang in there because you have to.  You have to suffer in the background in order for them to recover and live happy lives.

Morgan and Linda,  How I wish you had the experience I had 38 years ago.  Absolutely no one; medical doctor, philosopher, physicist, psychiatrist, or theologian would be able to convince me that I didn't become a spirit that day.  She still EXISTS!  She is a SPIRIT!  She is still with me!  I could see, I could move, no one could see me.  But I was there!  As much as I want Her to be physically with me, She wants that too but can't.  She's not physical any more.  No body for me to see, touch, hold, hear and experience.  But She is here.  Are there moments when I wonder?  Yes, but because I KNOW, it's just a momentary thought and I go right back to talking to her.  She didn't want to leave me physically just as much, and knowing Her love for me, possibly more than I didn't want Her to leave me physically.  I'm in Hell, but in a way, I don't matter anymore.  I hope she's feeling the blissfulness that I felt as a spirit, albeit I didn't go permanently.  If I did, it might had been hell for me watching her and my children suffer the loss of me.  Knowing Her, She's probably suffering seeing me and our oldest daughter and her children, two of our eight grands suffer.  I have to do my best to alleviate not only their suffering but Hers also.  Do I want our old life back?  YES!  Am I envious seeing others going on with their lives as we did?  YES!  That can't be though and I say "WHY"!  Why can't it be?  I need it to be!  But then, it's not about me now.  It's about Her.  I think to myself "OK, I'll finish my job and then perhaps then I'll be worthy to be reunited with her".  Of course that involves our sick daughter and her two children.  Taking care of that may be my redemption.  My health is declining.  If you saw me, you'd think "that guy has cancer".  I certainly hope so.  In fact, I'm beginning to think time is of the essence now to get this taken care of.

Now, TRY TO BELIEVE! Morgan and Linda.  Your husbands are still with you.  They're probably trying to scream at you "I'm here!  Talk to me!"  Continue your loving relationship with them, FOR THEM.  Yes it is hell for us all not to have them physically here with us, but that doesn't mean they are not with us still.  BELIEVE!  Put them FIRST.  No one of you know how hard it is for me because She always put me FIRST and her second.  I was a good taker and She was a good giver.  Her happiness was making me happy and I sometimes took that for granted.  That's not to say that I didn't make her happy, but She was just over the top at showing it, living it unrelentingly.  She was totally selfless as opposed to my being somewhat self centered at times.  Well now, I am absent of self, and just want to adore Her eternally when we reunite.  Sometimes I think that She will say, "no, just be the way you were, that's what I want".  I'll be however She wants me to be.  I'm drained now so going to close.  Just want to emphasize BELIEVE THEY ARE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!

Love,

Joe   

 

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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, It is so true, my Julian and I celebrated everyday of our life together like you an Joseph. We were Blessed."
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Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, thank you for the post. The words ring very true. Today is Valentine’s Day, but fortunately for me, Joseph and I didn’t always celebrate on this day. We didn’t feel that we had to show our love and devotion on a specific day…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thanks everyone. I was upset that we couldn't share our posts, now I am fine. Thanks"
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Gotta go will post soon. "
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I think thats what she meant anyway."
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"she posted an answer in Blog.  We're ok as long as we don't check that box and sign into twitter.  Only those who do have their posts appear there."
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Monty commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"did  a quick search for  "No Idea Joe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and Twitter. I didn't find anything maybe that it has the ability to share via twitter. and may not be shared by default. maybe we should try and contact the…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I just sent a message to the admin/owner of the site......I'lll let you know the response."
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