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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on February 6, 2019 at 3:55pm

Comment by morgan on February 6, 2019 at 3:55pm

I don't know what to say anymore.  I read posts and totally commiserate. Joe, you hit a couple high spots.  I too had a horrible day on Monday, simply heart rending....wailing, sobbing, screaming.......Then last night there was another break with reality.  You said it all when you said and I quote:"Out of nowhere, the horror of it all hits me at times. My confidence shatters. I want her (him) back here. Now! Or, better yet since I know that can't happen, GOD, take me to Her already."

YES, exhausting, needy, knowing, not enough stop the pain.......and all of us here post to try and give hope to each other while paddling upstream through the rapids which are engulfing us.....

Unfortunately for some of us there is no end in sight.  It gets "better" because:

1) after a period of time under duress our brains will block images or triggers because I think it knows it is beating the hell out of our bodies and it wants us to last as long as we can to beat us some more.  Part sarcasm, part truth.

2) We isolate ourselves because we feel guilty that all we have to talk about is how miserable we honestly and truly are and we know others cannot possibly understand why we still aren't over it enough to relate to life again in what they consider a fuller way so we don't participate.

 3)  Sometimes there simply is no trigger or landmine just the visceral anguish of not being able to hold that one person who was everything......I'm having way too much of that lately and it is really pushing me in a not so great direction.  But then do I really really care?

 4) Unfortunately there isn't a damn thing we can do about it......nothing......a helplessness that for me, now, is so ingrained that all the pushing I have done to move "forward", to try to live life to see if it makes a difference seems to be one big joke on me.  

I think having children makes a difference to the extent they provide this monument to reason where having birthed a part of you into this world you might feel you would be violating a sacred trust so you must continue with the contract.......I never had children.....so for me I don't have to carry that additional pain.  

Problem is I don't see a way out of this for those who grieve deeply.  Many reasons for it and coping does not necessarily mean we are healing.  I talk it through with the one person my husband chose to watch over me if something happened to him and he gets it and does what he can to keep me alive but I have to say I have been having alot of second thoughts lately about how much I am willing to withstand.  In the beginning, the notion of taking my own life was desperation.  Now it has taken on more a form of determination.  Will I last?  Who knows.  I just know when I hit the hole and start digging it is seeming less and less likely I am willing to put up with the pain.  In all other respects I am a very strong person but this missing him has me whipped.

And yes, Linda, but it seems even the devil wont bargain with me.  

thank you to all of you here.......thank you for listening.......

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 6, 2019 at 7:43am

Hello Everyone,

I can relate to every ones post. I would sell my soul to the Devil if I could have him back in good health.

I find that if I keep busy, the pain is not as bad. I run, do yard work and help my neighbors. I really don't need my friends, they don't want to listen to me talk about my Julian. I share all my thoughts with all of the folks on this forum. You all understand my thoughts and don't judge me. I thank God for every one of you. God Bless

Comment by joe kelly on February 5, 2019 at 5:33pm

My last few posts were trying to give hope to others here, but I drift into hell the same as you guys at times.  This is one one of those times and like many of you, I find it unbearable.  I don't know what more to say right now.

Comment by joe kelly on February 5, 2019 at 5:27pm

Moments like this are exhausting, petrifying, needing Her here with me knowing She can't be.  Her being with me spiritually isn't enough to stop the pain when I'm like this.  I know that's selfish of me and not Her fault, and let her know that.  Catch 22 again.

Comment by joe kelly on February 5, 2019 at 5:19pm

Having a very rough evening.  Out of nowhere, the horror of it all hits me at times.  My confidence shatters.  I want her back here.  Now!  Or, better yet since I know that can't happen, GOD, take me to Her already.  Now!

Comment by Elynn m on February 4, 2019 at 11:57pm

Thank you everyone for your response.   I'm just tired of being lonely.   I talk to Joe all of the time, and long for his voice, and wisdom.   I feel so bad that I didn't tell him often enough how special he was.

Comment by joe kelly on February 4, 2019 at 7:23pm

OPPS< Forgot to add the web site:

https://www.refugeingrief.com/

Comment by joe kelly on February 4, 2019 at 7:22pm

Sorry Elynn, I too misspelled your name, but do want to add something.  Grief is not depression.  Depression is a pathological mental illness.  Grief is not, and the medical field is starting to catch on to that.  In many or most cases, depression can be arrested with medication.  They try to call this "complicated grief", and the standard of care is slowly becoming bereavement counseling where medication is not recommended.  You maybe suffering from depression, I'm not a doctor.  Only you or a doctor can decide that.  If you believe it to be depression, by all means, get it checked out. 

Here is a psychotherapist who lost her love and immediately quit her field and wanted to apologize to all her patients.  Her book is "It's OK that you're not OK".  I found it useful but her lose, while devastating, doesn't come close to the lose most of us here experienced.

The Gist of it all is that our medical culture doesn't really understand difficult grief or how to treat it. 

 

Comment by joe kelly on February 4, 2019 at 6:26pm

Hi Ellen,

Yes, when two were one and one is taken away from the other, naturally the one left behind is going to feel extreme loneliness.  I'm extremely lonely even though I have the support of my family.  I see them often enough and can talk to some of them about Her, but I still spend most of my time in my cube of hell, alone; well, sort of.  I believe She is here spiritually but yearn to interact with Her and She can't do that.  I still talk to her as though She is here, because I believe She is.  It doesn't surprise me that most who we thought were friends seemed to have disappeared after She died.  One couple who were great friends of ours remains.  That's it.  But, they live 100 miles away and are snow birding down south right now.  We use to often meet half way to spend a day together.  Before they left for the south, I met up with them for a day.  All we talked about was Her.  They have the true love for each other the we had/have for each other.  We were there for them when they had a cancer scare.  Fortunately, it appears as though she is cured which was wonderful for them and us too.  They get it.  Most people don't because they see me and fear it could happen to them.  Hence, out of sight, out of mind.  They don't want to hear about it out of fear.  It seems like a defense mechanism.  Our culture concerning death is messed up IMO.  On one side many believe that when you die, you're all gone.  Some, out of that fear grasp onto some religion of different sorts for hope of an afterlife.  We're fed all of these ideas throughout our lives and when we lose the One we love with all our consciousness, what is the logical theory for us three dimensional beings?  They're gone.  Is that really logical though?  Are we smart enough to really know that?  Strange that quantum physics can mathematically prove that quarks exist but are not able to see them.  Yet most of these scientists will say there is no afterlife. 

I'm going to re-post a reflection I posted a while back written by

Dietrich Bonhoeffer:

Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we loved and it would be wrong to find a substitute; we must simply hold out and see it through.  That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, for the gap, as long as it remains unfilled, preserves the bonds between us.  It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; God doesn't fill it, but on the contrary, keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communication with each other, even at the cost of pain.

I can talk to people about Her but the only way to somewhat help my loneliness, is to talk to Her.  Even though she can't talk back.          

 

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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
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"Thinking of everyone here with love"
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Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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joe kelly replied to Jade Rogers's discussion Hi!
"Dear Jade, I wish I had some advice for you because when I sign in, I notice that you often sign in I guess to check if anything new has been posted.  Being lonely after losing your Love after so many years together is a major part of all who…"
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Virginia G replied to Pamela philipp's discussion Defeated
"I feel the same.  The website doesn’t help because we aren’t talking and around people in person.  That isn’t even enough when people are willing to talk and most don’t have time for me."
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"You are right. I became conditioned with my mom. Every health crisis that my mom would have was traumatic for me. And then there would be that ray of light. I would have mom safe at home once again. I developed some false hope. But as time passed…"
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M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Baby steps is such a good metaphor — I think when we’ve been traumatized by terrible loss, many of us lose our resilience, and basically have to baby ourselves, setting very tiny goals and challenges, slowly working our way forward.…"
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, it's hard for me to be positive about anything. I always feel like something bad is right around the corner. That's because every time I thought mom was safe and had cleared another hurdle, something else would go wrong. It's…"
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"It's been a little bit since I shared but it seems like I'm just stuck, out of sync with everything included myself in a way.  It's been like one long endless day.  I don't know how to explain it even.  I'm…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Monty, For some of us, we will always remain out of sync with the rest of world. We, like myself. live in our own universe."
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Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett you are right that is the "dark" side, it scares me too That is so great about the phone call from the directors at the center, that must have made you feel like a million bucks.   You are making a positive impact, I know…"
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I actually looked up the EquoVox. I couldn't find an English link for it. I'll keep looking. I'm just really curious how it works. And I want you to make your own decisions. I just want you to be happy."
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"M, I'm half Catholic, and Theresa is 100% Catholic. This is a huge part of Catholicism. Ouiji boards just scare the crap out of me. I listened to a lecture series from a Vatican exorcists. There was a question and answer period. Someone asked…"
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