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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on January 31, 2019 at 6:12am

Morgan & Jim,

I am so blessed to have this friendship with you both. It keeps me going to know I am not alone in this Hell. I always read the "Serenity Prayer" every morning but I cannot accept the things I cannot change and I never will. 

God Bless you Both, Linda

Comment by morgan on January 30, 2019 at 9:11pm

The universe gave you a bit of light today Joe regarding your daughters surgery and I am so glad that for her she has another chance to continue life with her family.  Not having had children I cannot imagine the sense of the burden to desire life for them.  It must be extremely difficult when it looks like it might be another loss for you.  I know I cant handle loss anymore.  I break down.  It doesn't matter whose loss, or what it is, I just cant handle it.  So I am glad it appears she will have more time.  No loss is a relief.

And two parts of your post......yes, I'm not alone in hell, but I don't like the residency nonetheless. and two, I cant find someone to blame either.  And boy, do I wish I could.  That mountain in my room fills a large space along with the other things.  But yes, if only I could find someone to blame.  

All of your post rings true.  We all need to hear how we are not alone in this pain.......

Comment by joe kelly on January 30, 2019 at 7:46pm

Morgan,

"Wanting him to come get me because i know full well he's not coming back here so my only real chance of being together is somewhere else. Begging for release from this life."

That's it.  That is all I want now is to go to her because she can't come back to me.  That's all you and everyone still here want as stated above.

"I really can't be of much support to anyone here"

You are a support here.  Every time I read a post from all of you guys, I feel as though I'm not alone in Hell. 

"How the heck are we supposed to do this?

We won't.  We can't and we don't want to.  We'll never let them go because they were our lives and we know that they want us come to them.  I know she wants me and often I say "Darling, come rescue me".  Then I realize that she can't kill me, God won't kill me, and I can't take a chance killing myself.  Yes we are stuck.  However, we can't live forever and someday it will happen.  Her dying thought was that we will be together forever someday, and my dying thought will be that I'm going to her.  All I can do is suffer and wait, and let nature take it's course, without help from anyone who might interfere with that.

 

"so angry that I am being forced to live."

Me too.  But can't find someone to blame.

My daughter's surgery went well today but her journey is far from over.  While I'm alive, I will do everything I can for her.  My other three children will do the same.  I'm hoping for a some kind of positive outcome, but I still fear for her.  Life is so unfair.

Comment by morgan on January 30, 2019 at 7:45pm

Linda,  I too come here because I know that I am understood for my inability to "get better".  I know I have better hours that over the years have increased in length.  I know that I fake it better notwithstanding how much of a fraud I feel like I am.  What I also know is what your poem states very clearly.  I will never get over it.  

I have less of the fog and more of the reality that living is never going to get better and I am really over continuing to push time forward.  I long for the day of my death.  I can hardly wait.  I really hope the universe is not planning on a long drawn out departure.  It has been too long already.  

I have a gay friend living with me who attempted suicide and is trying to reconstruct his life so right now I am concentrating on helping him.  We go back a long way and I want for him to succeed where I fail in wanting to continue life.  I think he has come round to where he wants to live now.  Whether my husband sent him into my path to keep me occupied for now I have no idea.  I just know I feel like I have pretty much done all I wanted to try and if I can feel somewhat assured that he and my affairs are tied up maybe the universe will do me the favor I want.  

I have a hard time imagining that my body can withstand more of the same over too much more time.......

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 30, 2019 at 6:12am

Morgan,

I feel this forum is the only thing keeping us going. Before I joined I had no support from friends and family. I know that they want to help but they just can't understand what I am feeling. It is a hell of a fight everyday. My sweet dog Babie J is a real comfort to me but now she is 14 years old and I have to watch her go downhill just like my Husband. All we can hope for is that we will be taken soon by the Lord. I know I posted this before but I have it about my computer and look at all the time

Comment by morgan on January 30, 2019 at 1:35am

So angry......so so angry that I am being forced to live.  I hate having to keep pushing myself to pretend like I give a damn.  I really can't be of much support to anyone here because I am getting so pissed that we are all being put through the wringer.  I read about Joe and his daughter and his pain, and Nancy and Bluebird and Linda and Trina and Michael and John T and Maxey and Pamela and everyone who has still not been able to reconstruct a decent life after the death of their spouse.  How the heck are we supposed to do this?????

I reach out time and again still thinking that something that someone says is going to flip the switch and I am going to gain some providential insight so I can get something out of the daily grind.  And nothing......its just one day after another of missing him.  Wanting him to come get me because i know full well he's not coming back here so my only real chance of being together is somewhere else.  Begging for release from this life......and still nothing......no peace, no rest......just anger and sadness....

How are any of us supposed to do this?

Comment by Trina Mamoon on January 29, 2019 at 10:34am
Joe,
I am so very sorry to hear about your daughter. I am sending prayers for her healing and for your strength. Hang in there!
Peace, Trina
Comment by Linda Engberg on January 29, 2019 at 6:11am

Joe,

I will say a prayer for your daughter and you that everything turns out ok.

Comment by joe kelly on January 28, 2019 at 8:03pm

I mentioned in my prior post that I had a bad dream.  Well, it wasn't really a bad dream but turned into hell when I woke.  It was a very vivid dream that my wife's death was just a dream.  I was so over joyed and relieved that she didn't really die.  When I awakened, the horror I felt that yes, she did die was unbearable.  I'm nervous about this Wednesday since my daughter is going in for lung surgery.  I'm actually hoping it's not the melanoma, but lung cancer instead.  You may question why I'm hoping that.  If it is melanoma, that means it's in her system now and can spread where ever going forward.  I know someone who had a lung cancer 15 years ago found by accident.  He had surgery and they got it all.  He was cured.  No chemo or anything.  My daughter never smoked in her life but lung cancer has a strong family history on my wife's father's side, who died in 1981.  Her sister died of it also in 2004.  Since my daughter gets scanned regularly, perhaps they found this accidentally, maybe she can be as lucky as that guy I mentioned above.  My ultimate hope is that it's benign.  I'm grasping at straws I know and not even thinking clearly.  A friend of mine said that it's good that my wife is not here to see this and I said, oh, she's here alright and she's seeing it.  

My premonitions are getting stronger and I'm really getting very weaker.  I think it may be soon or at least not that long before I'm with her.  I will try to do all I can for my daughter before I go though.  One thing I learned is that no one is really in control over what happens in life.  I'm babbling now so will sign off.  Please say a prayer for my daughter.

Love to all,

Joe

Comment by joe kelly on January 28, 2019 at 7:29pm

Monte,

It's good that you were able to bring some joy to your boys on Christmas.  Keep up the good work because they need you to joy and happiness into their lives. 

Joe

 

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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
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joe kelly replied to Jade Rogers's discussion Hi!
"Dear Jade, I wish I had some advice for you because when I sign in, I notice that you often sign in I guess to check if anything new has been posted.  Being lonely after losing your Love after so many years together is a major part of all who…"
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"I feel the same.  The website doesn’t help because we aren’t talking and around people in person.  That isn’t even enough when people are willing to talk and most don’t have time for me."
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"You are right. I became conditioned with my mom. Every health crisis that my mom would have was traumatic for me. And then there would be that ray of light. I would have mom safe at home once again. I developed some false hope. But as time passed…"
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M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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