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Lost My Spouse...

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Latest Activity: Sep 11

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by morgan on January 20, 2019 at 1:26am

Joe, 49 years is a long time.  Long enough to embed yourself in each other and there is nothing that will soothe the tearing apart of that union.  I knew my husband for 55 (since 2nd grade) and we were together for 35.  Long story.....it was destined to be....but only into eternity will it be long enough for me.  

I am trying to stay so busy that I can make it through Monday and not end up in a heap.  This will be the six year mark.  I remember the one year mark quite vividly.  I was a basket case.  This will not be easy on you.  

I know too well how going into certain stores is a trigger.  Yet for me no matter where I went for about three years I would just break down.  Didn't matter where I was.  The rush of his essence was constantly overwhelming me.  I am blocking it better now.  But the crying has taken a huge toll on my immune system and I can only hope it will result in something that will take me quickly and sooner.  I just turned 67 and I have no desire to live anymore.  That I have made it this long is only a testament to the good health I had before my beloved died.  Too holistic for my own good.

I have shrines all over my house with my husbands pictures.  I spent days in the first year printing and framing them.  I don't have too many so I treasure the ones I have.  We were never big picture takers.  I can feel how he was feeling at the moment each of those pictures was captured though.  Some people think it is not good for me to have them around me and I just laugh at them.  I need to see him even if it is in a frame.

I have moved through many phases in this grieving from utter dismemberment to a place of hatred of life.  I isolate myself as much as possible and try reaching out to a few people I know periodically but I prefer the silence of being alone.  That way I can spend my time listening to videos on the cosmos, and consciousness and things that I can research about energy and what the hell happened to him.  Where is he?  I want to know and I know that is impossible.  So I have to go on the only thing I have.......pure gut feeling.  

Monday will be a shit day no matter how it turns out.  I can never anticipate how any day is going to affect me because on January 11th (the day I brought him home from the hospital) was just horrendous this year.  I lived every moment in my mind like I was living it in 2013.  Took me two days to recover.  I exhaust myself crying and my brain goes to mush.    

I can't even give much advice as to what this is like anymore because it changes from moment to moment,  day to day, year to year.  Its why I say I am so tired.  

Days are groundhog days......you just numb yourself to the landmines that go off after awhile when you finally realize this is your normal.  You  accept that nothing will be better.  As much as it might look good to others, inside we are all broken individuals slogging along anxious to die.  Its just too bad suicide has such a bad rap.  I would much prefer it to the hell I live on a day to day basis........

Comment by morgan on January 19, 2019 at 1:37pm

Lets be honest. Death sucks. As I read the posts on here and I see how we struggle when we lose someone to death it boggles the mind how any of us keep moving. I keep saying to myself there is something I can do to make myself feel better and it never comes. I function better, I don't feel better. I am not hopeless I am empty. I fill my life with distractions. Meaningless, frivolous distractions or I fake it in front of people and pretend I am better than I am. Then I look at myself and cry because I know what a fraud I am to pretend.
At the time it makes sense because I want to push myself to participate. I've been doing that for what seems an eternity. Pushing myself. And some of the early stress right after my husband died has worn down. But then so have I. I get tired and much of the time I just don't motivate. And yet I look at how much I have done and it is more than most people might do if they weren't coping with the grief of losing their beloved.
I read through some of the letters, notes, messages to myself etc that I have written over the years and alot of it still is the same. Same feelings.
I don't know what to say anymore other than death sucks if you are the person left behind and yet for some reason our mortal bodies haven't aligned with the slot where the universe will take us to rejoin the energy that surrounds us. We call it the universe. The light. And I'm ready.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 13, 2019 at 7:12am

Joe,

I did have a sign from Husband right after his death and to this day it was the only one. I am so happy for you.

Morgan, I just can't believe that every time you post it mirrors my exact thoughts, maybe our Husbands are both trying to keep us afloat until we join them.

Comment by morgan on January 12, 2019 at 8:57pm

Havent had enough energy to respond to the latest entries from Joe but find each one to be inspirational as well as challenging me to try and dig deeper to alleviate the pain of missing my husband.
Not as easy as it sounds. I too have struggled mightily with the absence of a very physical relationship which results in a constant visceral reaction to many things that might for others not matter. Over the years I have had what I might consider signs from my husband at times when the pain got unbearable or I was just so beyond the pale of trying to cope from day to day. Sort of like the light flickers. Ones that were pretty hard to discount. But are they enough to keep me afloat so I don’t fall into my hole on a regular basis. Unfortunately no. And trust me I have done everything possible to persuade, cajole and encourage myself and succeeded for part of the time otherwise I would have been dead by now. But the universe has decided for me that my own light is still not able to align with the firelight of my husband and join him where he is. Why? If I had the answer my burden would be lifted. Instead I find myself in a position where I don’t want to stay but cant go either. In a place where the ongoing battles will never win the war.
I loved, I laughed, I gave, I took, I caressed, I was caressed. Unconditionally and what I can hope will be eternally. I need to believe that and I do. Its just I have a hard time waiting for the transition to the next dimension. I am ready. I am so ready. I am losing patience but I will finish a few more things I see as necessary and then look again at how resilient I can manage to be with the signs he sends me. All the while knowing he keeps trying to let me know he is with me but how hard it is to hold onto such an ephemeral phenomena.

Comment by Nancy on January 12, 2019 at 2:58pm

Love this Joe!

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 8, 2019 at 4:04pm

Joe,

I feel the same way about my Husband. I have to be truthful, but after 6 years I can't fell his presence but I know he is with me. He is my "ENDLESS LOVE" and I will love him until the day I take my last breath.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 8, 2019 at 5:48am

Hi Morgan

As you know, our feeling mirror one another's. It has been six years or me also. I also found my Husband on the bathroom floor in a coma. He died three days later Hospice made his passing peaceful. I am surprised to hear that you who have had to pay Hospice. In Florida, their is no cost and I thought that was true in all states.

I had a grief counselor for 13 months with no charge. But at the end of the 13 months she told me I should seek the help of a therapist. I was lucky this was covered by Medicare. I still her every month.

Like you I am struggling living in this world without him by my side. He was world so to me my life ended with him but God will not take me to join him. I am losing faith in him because why does he leave me on this earth to suffer.

The only thing I celebrate is the Hospice Tree of Life Rememberance held every December. A ribbon is placed on three huge trees and a ribbon for everybody's lost ones. The ceremony is the only thing I look forward to in this miserable world. I will never get over his death until I join him. 

Comment by morgan on January 7, 2019 at 10:32pm

I can’t let go of him. It’s impossible. The memories are still so strong at certain parts of a day. I’ve tried for six years. This is the reality I never wanted to face. And now I’m having to face it. I’m struggling.

In three days they would’ve released him from the hospital with 23 staples in his stomach from his sternum down to his groin. And there was no provision for hospice because we couldn't afford paying for it.

In six days it will be my birthday. What’s to celebrate?

In 13 days he will have died. I found him on the bathroom floor.

I really don’t know how to get over this. Sorry to be so graphic and so upset but this is about the only place that I can write this kind of stuff and anybody will even care.

Some people just never get over losing the most important thing of all, The love that made their world revolve. Please let the universe come and get me. Please.....

Comment by Jesse's Mom on January 5, 2019 at 12:47pm

Joe Kelly, I just read about your daughter and her illness, she will be in my prayers, along with strength for you to endure. I am so sorry. I don't know why some are chosen to endure so much....it does seem like an upside-down universe

Comment by Jesse's Mom on January 5, 2019 at 12:41pm

Joe Kelly...I am sorry for the loss of your dear wife.  Your writings about her and the love you both shared was truly beautifully expressed.

I lost my adult son in Oct of 2012. And an infant son in 1987.

I read your post in another section about your NDE. Those experiences always gives me hope to trudge through one more day of this insanity. Where so many people go on with their "normal" life and I am stuck in this pit of torment which will never end until my time comes.

Your insight that was shared resonated with me at a deep level. I have had several abilities rise since my son died. These came about spontaneously -- such as the ability to move an objects, mostly when I hold a weight, but if I get too excited, this can happen with objects that are hanging nearby. Also, both my son and myself knew he was going to pass that year. (He was killed by an inattentive driver who ran him over). This knowledge came to him by the way of knowings, and 3 days before he passed , he called me to his house and told me for certain "His life was going to be short". THis knowledge was temporarily removed from me until shortly after he passed. I was furious with I don't know what -- we had tried to live as God desired (an all out effort) but still we were slaughtered. 

I think your thoughts on a Creator were intriguing. Recently I have looked into some Lakota Native American Spirituality which expresses some of what you wrote. Black Elk Speaks and a subsequent book on his life were of great reading. I think the connection to nature and the Vision Quest concepts you may find of interest. 

Sending you gentle thoughts.

 

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dream moon JO B replied to dream moon JO B's discussion mad at god
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Sep 9
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, Check your inbox for a message from me. Joe,  So true.  That's exactly why I post here too.  I keep thinking if I get it off my chest and out into cyberspace at least I know I wont be suffering alone.  That consoles…"
Sep 9
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello All, I am sorry that I have not posted here for a while now to show my support for you. On August 4th it was the fifth anniversary of Joseph's passing. I just don't have the strength or energy anymore to keep pushing to survive each…"
Sep 9
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Sep 9
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, Once again I want to Thank You for sharing you thoughts with us. You put into words the things I don't know how to express."
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I don't mean to be a downer, but I am not sure there is an end to our grief. I know mine is still going strong. I wish the good things in my life were as consistent as this is. We have to keep moving though. Keep taking baby steps. Assay…"
Sep 8
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John T,   I saw your post late late last night.  I see you are still doing your best to cope. I remember a time that I wasn't even coping. I was barely standing.  After six years seven months I have become anesthetized.…"
Sep 8
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John, We are blessed to have this wonderful group to come to and share our grief."
Sep 8
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thinking of you John T.  I understand.  "
Sep 7
John T. replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely again
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John T. commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Emmyk replied to Amy R's discussion So many questions in the group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
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Joe Kelly left a comment for Maria
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