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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by morgan on Saturday

Lets be honest. Death sucks. As I read the posts on here and I see how we struggle when we lose someone to death it boggles the mind how any of us keep moving. I keep saying to myself there is something I can do to make myself feel better and it never comes. I function better, I don't feel better. I am not hopeless I am empty. I fill my life with distractions. Meaningless, frivolous distractions or I fake it in front of people and pretend I am better than I am. Then I look at myself and cry because I know what a fraud I am to pretend.
At the time it makes sense because I want to push myself to participate. I've been doing that for what seems an eternity. Pushing myself. And some of the early stress right after my husband died has worn down. But then so have I. I get tired and much of the time I just don't motivate. And yet I look at how much I have done and it is more than most people might do if they weren't coping with the grief of losing their beloved.
I read through some of the letters, notes, messages to myself etc that I have written over the years and alot of it still is the same. Same feelings.
I don't know what to say anymore other than death sucks if you are the person left behind and yet for some reason our mortal bodies haven't aligned with the slot where the universe will take us to rejoin the energy that surrounds us. We call it the universe. The light. And I'm ready.

Comment by joe kelly on January 13, 2019 at 9:54am

Morgan, as usual, I have to read your post over three times because that is almost the exact way I feel. I woke up back in hell today. Yesterday, I was feeling some comfort and how fleeting that came and went. I had a disturbing thought this morning when I asked God to hurry up and take me to her. God won't kill. All I want is to go where she went and is. I'm ready now! I can't take the chance of making it happen because I firmly believe she exists and waits for me. As you said in the past, I can't screw this up. Had I never receive the gift of my OBE, and believed, as so many in the world right now that she's just gone and doesn't exist, I'd would had been gone the day after she passed. I keep asking why, why, why, she was so good. I was never as good as she and perhaps have to get as good as she, before I can rise to her dimension? I'm trying to accept this as my purgatory. I remember sharing my regrets with her as we always shared our thoughts and feelings with each other. She would tell me don't think about those things because you're a wonderful man. Comparing myself to her natural goodness, I never felt that way about myself. That's a psychological weakness of mine that I believe I always had, because of a bad childhood. I lived a lot in the past and she always lived in the now. She came into this world to rescue me, and that she did here on earth, but now I need her to rescue me still, and believe she will. I don't know if she knows when that will be, but I know she will someday. Till then, I will suffer, try to be more like she was, and wait.

Thank you Linda. You probably got more than that just one but one thing I'm beginning to realize is that my expectations are too self willed. The beam of light in church (that I didn't notice), the grass not growing, and sparks moving around the night before last, were totally unexpected. There's got to be something to that. I'm not sure, but my will and expectations may be getting in the way.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 13, 2019 at 7:12am

Joe,

I did have a sign from Husband right after his death and to this day it was the only one. I am so happy for you.

Morgan, I just can't believe that every time you post it mirrors my exact thoughts, maybe our Husbands are both trying to keep us afloat until we join them.

Comment by morgan on January 12, 2019 at 8:57pm

Havent had enough energy to respond to the latest entries from Joe but find each one to be inspirational as well as challenging me to try and dig deeper to alleviate the pain of missing my husband.
Not as easy as it sounds. I too have struggled mightily with the absence of a very physical relationship which results in a constant visceral reaction to many things that might for others not matter. Over the years I have had what I might consider signs from my husband at times when the pain got unbearable or I was just so beyond the pale of trying to cope from day to day. Sort of like the light flickers. Ones that were pretty hard to discount. But are they enough to keep me afloat so I don’t fall into my hole on a regular basis. Unfortunately no. And trust me I have done everything possible to persuade, cajole and encourage myself and succeeded for part of the time otherwise I would have been dead by now. But the universe has decided for me that my own light is still not able to align with the firelight of my husband and join him where he is. Why? If I had the answer my burden would be lifted. Instead I find myself in a position where I don’t want to stay but cant go either. In a place where the ongoing battles will never win the war.
I loved, I laughed, I gave, I took, I caressed, I was caressed. Unconditionally and what I can hope will be eternally. I need to believe that and I do. Its just I have a hard time waiting for the transition to the next dimension. I am ready. I am so ready. I am losing patience but I will finish a few more things I see as necessary and then look again at how resilient I can manage to be with the signs he sends me. All the while knowing he keeps trying to let me know he is with me but how hard it is to hold onto such an ephemeral phenomena.

Comment by joe kelly on January 12, 2019 at 4:07pm

I took that pic about 10 days ago.

Comment by joe kelly on January 12, 2019 at 4:05pm

Here's a pic of her side of the grave.  I will be buried on top of her so she's down deep.  All last spring and summer, grass just wouldn't take on her side.  The workers couldn't understand why.  They then put some fresh soil and seed down and still it doesn't want grow in right.  You can't see it that clearly in the pic but it's the shape of her casket, about 7 x 3 feet.  Thing is that they extended the soil and seed down over a little bit on my father's side and you can see that is much greener and fuller.  I keep saying "you're not going to let that grass grow till I'm there, right?"  I'm debating on whether or not to have them try again in the spring.

Comment by Nancy on January 12, 2019 at 2:58pm

Love this Joe!

Comment by joe kelly on January 12, 2019 at 9:03am

Email I sent to my children last night after I saw a sign from my Love:

At about 8:40 tonight, something strange happened. As you all know, I switched rooms so only have the kitchen and a small lamp lit in the room I use. I went to the bathroom and before I turned on the bathroom light, something caught my eye as I passed our bedroom. I backed up to see what it was and saw a flicker of some sort. I walked into the room and saw many tiny flickers or tiny sparks on and off and it was if they were moving around. It was in about the same area where you guys were standing when your mother died. Not down by where the bed was, but about where your heads would be while you were standing there. I walked closer and said "Is that you?; I love you." I walked closer and it kept up, lasting about 30 seconds. That paper shade is all the way down, and the blackout curtains completely drawn and overlapped, so no light at all can come through, and there was no light from behind me that could had caused this either. So far I went back in about 4 times but it didn't happen again. I was just wondering if any of you guys had anything strange happen tonight.

Responses from two of my daughters:


"I definitely think it was a sign from mom! I got chills when I read it. Nothing happened for me tonight, but I often see cardinals and say "hi mom" when I do. I hope that you found what happens a little comforting, dad. Love you."


"Forms of light Dad...maybe that’s the key. Remember in church there was a powerful beam of light that quickly passed when the priest was blessing mom? Chuck had said at the time “that’s mom” and my friend even commented after the fact how remarkable it was. But I wonder if it’s in forms of light and spark that her energy can be revealed to us."


About that beam of light. The church was very crowded and many talked about it and even the priest who I talked to later on mentioned that a lot of people told him of it. I didn't take notice of it but did see some brightness at the time. I was too distraught I think at the time. I'm not sure if I had shared something about this in a previous post.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 8, 2019 at 4:04pm

Joe,

I feel the same way about my Husband. I have to be truthful, but after 6 years I can't fell his presence but I know he is with me. He is my "ENDLESS LOVE" and I will love him until the day I take my last breath.

Comment by joe kelly on January 8, 2019 at 3:42pm

For me, it's the absence of our two way physical relationship that tares me apart all day everyday.  I know she is with me all the time but I can't see, hear, touch and interact with her.  I know because of her unrelenting, unconditional love for me, since we were 16, that she will wait for me till I come to her.  We basically promised that to each other moments before she took her last breath in my arms.  I talk to her all day, every day.  I know she knows that I will come to her.  I tell her everyday that "I'll never let you go", "don't fret about not being able to show me you're here, but to be joyful knowing how much I love you as you watch my grief", and adding "keep trying if you're trying to send me a signal or sign of some kind".  There have been a couple of things that could be taken as signs of her sending me a signal, but, being the skeptic I am, they are not concrete enough for me to say that really is you.  She knows me as well as I know myself.  I'm beginning to think that perhaps she's saying to be more open to what she can do from her dimension and for me to try to learn how to let her get through to me, rather than wanting her to somehow do something she can't do as a spirit.  I know I'm rattling on here but these are my thoughts.

I don't care how much pain I suffer, I wouldn't even think of letting her go.  I wouldn't think of trying to get relief because to do that; I believe I would have to diminish my love for her to some degree and that will never happen.  Do I want to feel the pain I feel?  No.  But at the same time, I won't have it any other way because of the above sentence.  Morgan, if you believe that you will join him, you have to believe he is with you now.  

 

 

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"Watching it alone last night was sad but I’m glad to have seen it."
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"Dear morgan, I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today (January 21st) on the seventh anniversary of the passing of the love of your life. I know that “life” as we live it now after the death of our beloved spouse is worth…"
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"Dear Morgan, You said, ”What the hell happened to him.  Where is he?  I want to know and I know that is impossible.”  I noticed these 2 questions that you asked and noticed that you don’t feel it is possible to find…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, What a beautiful picture of you and your wife and your gravestones will hold both your bodies but you souls will be united in another realm. Morgan,  You will be in thoughts my tomorrow as you try to make it through the…"
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Super blood wolf moon - lunar eclipse happening now

The moon should appear at its reddest at about 9:12 p.m., with the event lasting until about 10:40 p.m.Kelly encourages people to take a look.  "You know, stop and look up and really think about [how] we are on this huge planet, moving around in space and there's very few times that we can actually be reminded and feel the effects of that," she said.See More
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"This website is like a secret world we inhabit where the platitudes and scorn for not fitting in are understood as hogwash.  We know better than anyone on the outside of our grief how this has affected us.  I am so tired of being labeled…"
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Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lovely pictures everyone.   Thank you for sharing.   I am in the same boat.  I just exist.   "
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I,m grateful that I found this site.  It's sort of like besides my family, you all are the only friends I have left.  I do have a couple that are long distance, but don't get to see them very often.  All my so called local…"
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Here's one of our permanent bed with names blocked out."
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, We went on that same excursion off a cruise in 2003.  Here is a pic that was taken on the ship when we renewed our vows at a ceremony performed by the Captain."
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan & Joe, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You put into words the horror I go through everyday. Going on year 7 without my Husband Julian. He was my whole life and I want to be with him but I can't. If I didn't believe in God I…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, 49 years is a long time.  Long enough to embed yourself in each other and there is nothing that will soothe the tearing apart of that union.  I knew my husband for 55 (since 2nd grade) and we were together for 35.  Long…"
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, Monday will be a very tough day for both of us. It's one year for me which seems like one long day, and six for you, which scares the hell out of me thinking about how long do I have to be here before I go to her. It seems like one long…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lets be honest. Death sucks. As I read the posts on here and I see how we struggle when we lose someone to death it boggles the mind how any of us keep moving. I keep saying to myself there is something I can do to make myself feel better and it…"
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Emma is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
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