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Lost My Spouse...

Members: 364
Latest Activity: Jul 7

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Trina Mamoon on December 21, 2018 at 1:12am

Joe, 

Beautiful photo of you and the love of your life! The love you share/d comes through very strongly in the picture. The two of you look so very happy together.

Comment by morgan on December 20, 2018 at 10:29pm

Joe,  My husband died January 21, 2013, 8:48 am pronounced.  I found him on the floor of the bathroom.  Between the pre Thanksgiving time when he used to cook a magnificent meal just for the two of us, all through his time in the hospital during Xmas, through my January birthday until the day he died I now simply hide from the world.  Each year it has yet to be tolerable.  I just want an end to this pain of loss.  I function because I have to but I don't do it willingly.

And interestingly I see the affection you and your wife show in the picture you posted. I have similar ones where my husband and I always have our arms linked or touching each other or other kinds of loving gestures.  It pains me to know I cannot have that linkage now in this life.  I could never give myself to anyone else and I know my husband is my eternal soulmate.  I can hardly wait to cross over.  

Comment by morgan on December 20, 2018 at 10:20pm

Corinne,

You wrote "I am a pretty tough cookie of a woman but this has brought me to my knees. I have never ever experienced such a void or emptiness in my life. And these people in my life just don't get it. I find it so offensive when they offer me stupid patronizing platitudes like oh sweetie, its just gonna take a bit of time."

I was always strong.  I have been on my knees for years.  The chasm is so deep, so wide it is impossible to traverse. And you will slowly narrow your relationships to those who can offer at least some understanding of your loss.  You won't have enough energy for those who think this is like replacing your broken down car.  

And I have a bit of a tough time too understanding losses of family members versus our spouses but then there are some who never get the chance to have the kind of love that we experienced with someone we chose.  Both of my parents passed and so has my youngest brother but nothing holds a candle to the intimacy of loss that I had with my husband.  Its simply devastating and after this many years I am functioning better but the emotional me still breaks within about a 48 hour period.  Something always seems to trigger bringing his essence front and center and I cannot push it away until I cry and expend just a little more of life's energy trying to cross that threshold to reach him again.  I am exhausted on so many levels and anxious and hopeful I don't have long to have to keep questioning the need for my own existence.  

Comment by Monty on December 20, 2018 at 4:18pm

Hi Linda

That image is so poignant for this time of year and i think how most of us feel.

After my first anniversary yesterday, it was fine in the morning but in the afternoon it was quiet rough.

I'm hoping for a better day today, although not holding my breath, as I'm surrounded by teachers today who are celebrating christmas and the last day of term.

I'm going to have a sore tongue tomorrow from biting it today.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 20, 2018 at 3:16pm

Hi Morgan,

Well said. "We crawl through the season while others celebrate" After six Christmases without my Julian I know deep down inside that nobody gives a Shit except this forum. 

Comment by morgan on December 20, 2018 at 2:38pm

Yes, Linda,  I am trying my best to avoid the triggers that surround me right now but I know what this is going to be like.  Xmas Eve day I took my husband to the ER because he was filling sick and the day after Xmas we got his diagnosis of stage 4 cancer   He lasted 27 days.  

I am sending my sincere wishes that those of us who don't want to be here on earth without our spouses find a way to crawl through the season while others celebrate.  I plan to hide.

morgan

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 20, 2018 at 7:07am

I find myself sinking into a hole as Christmas Day is nearing. I am broken like this ornament I can never be put back together again.

Comment by Monty on December 19, 2018 at 4:07pm

Hi M Adams

christmas is  a hard one. i think ill try and again to get some safety glasses and some nerf guns.

last year that seemed to work ok.  couple drinks for the adults and let the kids shoot us and miss them mostly, it was a big hit.

also

some slapstick comedy (home alone , pink panther, grumpy old men and dennis the menace .. ect)

possibly even some youtube of robin williams

thats always uplifting.

apart from spending to much on presents for the kids..  i think it will be a small gathering.

I'm asking myself these days ..  how doe this (insert action / idea) improve my life as a career / father / man this seems to be helping a little to ensure that i maximise my spending in what is a very expensive time.

I've also looking at some websites.  

some of the websites may bee good for some people and or may have already seen them

https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/loss-grief-and-manliness-wh...

https://www.opentohope.com

i help every has the best day they can.

Comment by M Adams on December 19, 2018 at 12:42pm

Monty, that is so true about the unforeseen sensitivity — so many things, words, places, thoughts are really painful now, makes it very tempting to withdraw.  It’s not that I blame other people much, it is basically impossible for anyone outside the bereavement to imagine all the ways life can be traumatic now.  For a while after my husband died I kept accidentally driving to the hospital, then suddenly realizing where I was going and getting very upset behind the wheel.  I still avoid lots of places to avoid the pain and public tears, but you can’t really succeed.  There’s a tailor in our neighbourhood where I always wanted to get my husband a handmade suit — one of those things where you wonder why you put it off.  Now I try not to walk by that corner, but sometimes I forget.  

Have you come up with ideas to enhance your experience this Christmas? I’m still struggling.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 19, 2018 at 6:37am

Hello Friends,

Thank you all for sharing you thoughts. yesterday morning I was talking with my neighbor outside about our Husbands. I looked up at the sky and there was a small rainbow, there were no clouds just a clear blue sky. I know it was a sign from him. Joe, the quote you give is exactly what I tell everyone, it is engraved on my body.  

 

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Nancy is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
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G B is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Saturday
Dennis C. replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. The journey of caregiving is extremely difficult. The loss of our especially loved dear ones is unspeakable. There are so many different ideas about what happens to us when we die. Religion teaches many different…"
Friday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too Brett, I sit here an look at my 12 year old Labrador and I know he is on borrowed time, and my heart breaks, losing him will be something that I am not looking forward to. As you said Brett, we have the live our lives until we are called…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Yes, I was looking at something that popped up on my Yahoo news feed. It was an article naming 106 celebrities who have passed away in 2019. So many names and faces that I remembered. Now they are gone, and they aren't coming back. Their time…"
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett so true she was my security blanket I feel like I have no one to lean on that understood me like her You know what keeps coming in my mind. How true it is and scary that everything has a beginning and an end."
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hear it all the time you don’t know how lucky you were that your mother wasn’t sick and you didn’t have to take care of her I say to them lucky I was lucky that my mother died and I was not right by her side to tell her I love…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"M, the problem is that our security blankets were ripped away. Like you, sometimes I am glad to be sad. I feel like I am closer to my mom when I am crying. At least, her memory is fresher with me when I am in that zone. I feel like the hard reality…"
Jul 16
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, millions, billions of people have lost their moms. Sometimes someone will tell me that they have lost their mom, too, but they were able to deal with it, and they wonder why I haven't dealt with it as well. This may sound like an…"
Jul 16
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too ...I was sitting marking a paper yesterday and suddenly realized that I can’t see or talk to my mother about this or anything else and the tears came.  But I’m glad to think of her, in a way I can be glad to be sad sometimes.…"
Jul 16
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I sometimes will just be sitting down and I start to cry because I keep thinking I miss my mom so much my whole world is just not the same I think that I’ve become a different person it will be four years and I still cry I can’t put into…"
Jul 16
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Definitely a colder world now.  I like the image of the security blanket — like, as we go forward, we will always keep it but eventually may be able to wash it, fold it nicely, and put it in some place of honour close at hand but without…"
Jul 16
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"The world just became a colder place when my mom died. I just remember feeling like all was right with the world when my mom was in the next room. "
Jul 16
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is such a traumatic event, especially when you have had a wonderful Mom.  It is so hard knowing she is gone.  Knowing this is permanent.  There is no one that can fill the void she left.  My brother was close to Mom, but he…"
Jul 16
Cherie is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Jul 15
Amy replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"I am not a believer and nor was he. We covered the bases just incase though. We were both raised Catholic. That is all besides the point though. "
Jul 15
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"While I never forget that my mom is gone, for some reason it just hits me over the head sometimes. Just out of the blue I'll be like, "Mom is gone." It's horrible. It's ever present. And the thing is that it is always with…"
Jul 15
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My Mom also.  I could always talk to her about anything & knew she was someone I could totally trust.  I am constantly thinking of something I want to share with her & then I remember she is gone.  I loved spending time with…"
Jul 15
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There is no doubt that it is anxiety. In fact, I think we are experiencing fight or flight. Since birth my mom had been my security blanket."
Jul 15

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