Lost My Spouse...

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Latest Activity: May 15

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on December 15, 2018 at 7:01am


Thank You so much for sharing you OBE. I have read a lot of books on it and saw the movie Heaven is for Real. The one book I like is Hello from Heave by Bill & Judy Guggenheim. 

Two days after my Husband died I had 1 message on my answering machine. It was from my Sister. After I listened to her message there was some static and my Husband's voice came on, he said "Let's Go". I called my sister right after on my cell and told her to listen to his voice but she heard nothing. I played it three times and she still heard nothing. I know it was him and the message was only for me. 

I know I will see him again but like you say in what form. No matter what form I will know him.

Comment by Denise Lavoie on December 14, 2018 at 3:10pm
You are right people dont get it.The sadness never goes away.I am gratiful the support is here.
Comment by Linda Engberg on December 14, 2018 at 2:09pm

Hi Denise,

I learned a lot of things on this forum. The important one is everyone found their true SOULMATE and lost them. The world just doesn't understand why we don't want to carry on without them. THEY WILL NEVER GET IT.


Comment by Denise Lavoie on December 14, 2018 at 2:03pm
The story about the whales is amazing.There are so many things about death I dont understand.I do know each day with out my husband is too hard to bear.I am very busy and active but l have a deep yearing to be with him.This will be the 3rd holiday with out him.Its like l am walking around with half a minute at a time.
Comment by Linda Engberg on December 14, 2018 at 6:17am


Thank you for your post. I like Morgan gave me a lift. I have often thought about suicide but have no intention of doing away with myself because of my religion. I will not take the chance of never seeing Julian again

I too do not go to the doctor's for anything. I have a living will so my whole family knows I do not want any medical help. Just let me die.

I also have pictures of him in every room in the house. The following quote is on the fig door.

Again thanks to everyone for sharing their posts.

Comment by morgan on December 13, 2018 at 9:29pm

Thank you Joe for your posts. In a weird way it gives me a lift.  How?  Because I know that I am not making up how hard this suffering is.  

My closest friend and sibling also know how I feel about dying and I know I would not have to walk alone to the exit if I decided to do it myself but I keep trying to wait out my own natural demise.  I too have no intention of going to a doctor.  No way.  And I have done a DNR and legal directives including a will etc.  


I spent the first anniversary on a beach in Hawaii alone and as I walked on the sand I broke down crying and people came to my side and tried to comfort me and all of a sudden whales appeared and were breaching and singing all along, close to the shore.  Everyone kept saying they had never seen anything like it.  I know it was my husband as we were both very connected to the ocean and water and we lived there so it was very significant.  Just do whatever comes to you on that day.  It will be enough.

Comment by Monty on December 13, 2018 at 7:44pm

joe that is incredible.

thanks for the time and energy sharing.

i think ill look at some of your suggestions and see what will work for me.

for me this week has been hard.

1 week until first anniversary of her death, i don't know what to expect or how i will cope.

the other day i slept straight thought the alarm for the first time in over 5 years.  that tells me i'm not myself at the moment..

i'm just doing what i need to for work and my boys until i find something worth doing, something enjoyable.

I'm hopeful, but not expecting

i hope every one has the best day the can.

Kind thoughts and wishes.

regards monty

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 13, 2018 at 2:11pm

Thanks Bluebird for nice comment about my Julian. He was so caring and was my rock. Being with him for 24/7 for 13 years of our retirement was bliss, I thank God for this time together. 

Morgan & Joe I keep believing there is eternal love after death. When I take my last breath my thoughts will be only of him. 

Comment by morgan on December 13, 2018 at 1:09pm


I read your words and it brings me to my knees.  I so want to join my husband.  As the years are passing I feel the need more and more.  I am not sure I understand totally how your OBE has given you more faith that somehow we will be reunited but I hope it will be so because the pain of not knowing here on earth is crushing me.  

I try to convince myself that he is "waiting" for me but then because we don't know what place we inhabit when we die (other than what you reference as blissful and at peace)  I have a problem tying that bliss to having the kind of visceral need for him that I have now.  What it does is making me more and more anxious to leave here.  

Am I suicidal?  I wouldnt call it that.  Its not that I cant stand life, its that I am anxious to die.  I can't have my husband here ever again and because it is the only thing I think about day in and out I simply find it more advantageous to die.  

I have no idea if this makes sense.  I only know that deep in my self I have no further need for this corporal body existence because it does nothing to give me "life".  I cannot enjoy anything here because he is not with me.  I've tried and when I play act and pretend to get excited, or feign happiness I get mad at myself because I know its all a lie.  Then I want to cry because I know I am not being truthful to myself or others.

I'm tired of having to do everything that means nothing.  

Comment by bluebird on December 13, 2018 at 10:26am
Your Julian looks like such a nice man in that photo; what a lovely smile!

Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope you are right.

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Billy Jo Colt commented on Kelli Auerbach's blog post New York Times essay I wrote about orphanhood
"Thank you Kelly for a genuine and bright yet deep insight into how berievement has affected you. Children are resourcefull and it isn't till in later life that the death of a loved one creates a new reality. I've written a song about the…"
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New York Times essay I wrote about orphanhood

Hi everyone, I am new to the group, but not to loss. Thanks for adding me.I wanted to share an essay I wrote, "Welcome to the Freak Show: Becoming an Orphan in My 20s", that is in the New York Times today. Even though all of our experiences with grief are unique, I hope it resonates in some way.Best, KelliSee More
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Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Everyone sounds a little down today.   And that's OK.   I do the same thing.   I am learning how to move on with life.  I know that there will never be another Joe.  He was my life, my love.  I miss…"
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Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Over the last couple of days, I've had some real negative thoughts, scary to say the least.  I know I'll never see her here with me again, which I know but can't accept, but today I questioned is she here with me in spirit? …"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Marita, not that I am glad to  hear you suffer from anxiety and fear but thank you for at least sharing that you too are overwhelmed with living.  At times I want to scream that the way I feel is not some cry for sympathy but more I am…"
May 15
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bluebird, You were the original poster who made it real for me that telling the truth about our pain was ok.  That it was how this grief was going to be no mater how I might be told otherwise.  And to know that your truth is that pretty…"
May 15
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, yes, I too have the recurring thoughts my brain sends me that my husband is dead.  It's not possible for me to accept it either.  I know it as fact just as I know the sun shines, but when it appears in my brain I simply cannot…"
May 15
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"As much as we all suffer, some may have an additional burden of having to go out into the real world and deal with people in business to survive.  The impact of that makes it all that much more unbearable.  While I'm not in that…"
May 15
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Nobody really understands except for the members on this website. It was a life saver for me. Thanks to all of you who share your posts and the support we give each other."
May 15
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, yes.  Linda, yes.  Marita, yes.  Bulebird, Yes.  I'm becoming paralyzed to the point of petrification.  NOTHING MATTERS except what we all know what it is.  We can't go back and we can't accept…"
May 15
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Same here, Marita. Things I would have been able to deal with before (either before I met my husband, or while he was here with me), I cannot handle at all now. Any tiny problem is insurmountable. Everything is. Morgan, I am truly sorry you are…"
May 15
Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, i live with constant fear and anxiety. Every time I am confronted with a new problem I break down because my husband is not here to support me, to comfort me, to love me and it is a reminder of my loss.  When things become so…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, My whole problem with myself is I just can't accept my Husband's death and there is a not a thing I can do about it. I want things back the way things were. So to avoid all my breakdowns I try to numb myself with beer. I don't…"
May 15
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I felt something very similar. After a year the pain and shock of mom's death had eased somewhat, but the guilt increased. I learned that grief is a process that has many different facets. I am really amazed by the folks who seem to…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Terrible,horrible, crippling breakdown tonight.  I know what triggered it and it is something I have struggled with all these years and the closer I get to trying to solve it the worse the breakdowns are becoming. Problem is I am still unable…"
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