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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Denise Lavoie on December 14, 2018 at 2:03pm
The story about the whales is amazing.There are so many things about death I dont understand.I do know each day with out my husband is too hard to bear.I am very busy and active but l have a deep yearing to be with him.This will be the 3rd holiday with out him.Its like l am walking around with half a heart.one minute at a time.
Comment by Linda Engberg on December 14, 2018 at 6:17am

Joe,

Thank you for your post. I like Morgan gave me a lift. I have often thought about suicide but have no intention of doing away with myself because of my religion. I will not take the chance of never seeing Julian again

I too do not go to the doctor's for anything. I have a living will so my whole family knows I do not want any medical help. Just let me die.

I also have pictures of him in every room in the house. The following quote is on the fig door.

Again thanks to everyone for sharing their posts.

Comment by morgan on December 13, 2018 at 9:29pm

Thank you Joe for your posts. In a weird way it gives me a lift.  How?  Because I know that I am not making up how hard this suffering is.  

My closest friend and sibling also know how I feel about dying and I know I would not have to walk alone to the exit if I decided to do it myself but I keep trying to wait out my own natural demise.  I too have no intention of going to a doctor.  No way.  And I have done a DNR and legal directives including a will etc.  

Monty,

I spent the first anniversary on a beach in Hawaii alone and as I walked on the sand I broke down crying and people came to my side and tried to comfort me and all of a sudden whales appeared and were breaching and singing all along, close to the shore.  Everyone kept saying they had never seen anything like it.  I know it was my husband as we were both very connected to the ocean and water and we lived there so it was very significant.  Just do whatever comes to you on that day.  It will be enough.

Comment by Monty on December 13, 2018 at 7:44pm

joe that is incredible.

thanks for the time and energy sharing.

i think ill look at some of your suggestions and see what will work for me.

for me this week has been hard.

1 week until first anniversary of her death, i don't know what to expect or how i will cope.

the other day i slept straight thought the alarm for the first time in over 5 years.  that tells me i'm not myself at the moment..

i'm just doing what i need to for work and my boys until i find something worth doing, something enjoyable.

I'm hopeful, but not expecting

i hope every one has the best day the can.

Kind thoughts and wishes.

regards monty

Comment by joe kelly on December 13, 2018 at 6:14pm

Read second post first Morgan. Had to break it up into two parts and did it backwards.

Comment by joe kelly on December 13, 2018 at 6:12pm

"As the years are passing I feel the need more and more."

  • When I read some of you guys suffering so long, it gives me great fear that despite my health neglect, and legal preparations, I don't know when it will actually come to be.  My belief that we will be reunited doesn't relieve the crushing pain of not having her here with me. To look at her in the flesh, touch her, love her, go every where with her.  We were in the prime of our retirement.  We could go anywhere we wanted to and did many times a year.  Oh, how I want our life here back!  But that's impossible and the only thing I can do is go to her.  There's no choice and I'll suffer whatever till it comes.  That is hell as far as I'm concerned. 

  "I am not sure I understand totally how your OBE has given you more faith that somehow we will be reunited but I hope it will be so because the pain of not knowing here on earth is crushing me."

  •   Because I KNOW that I have a consciousness separate from my body.  I can't be unique in that.  It just happened and has happened to many other people too.  I had no idea that that experience would be needed close to 40 years later, but I'm grateful for it now.

"I try to convince myself that he is "waiting" for me but then because we don't know what place we inhabit when we die (other than what you reference as blissful and at peace)  I have a problem tying that bliss to having the kind of visceral need for him that I have now.  What it does is making me more and more anxious to leave here."

  • Try to stop convincing yourself and believe in his love for you. 

"Am I suicidal?  I wouldnt call it that.  Its not that I cant stand life, its that I am anxious to die.  I can't have my husband here ever again and because it is the only thing I think about day in and out I simply find it more advantageous to die."

  • I'm not suicidal but I can't wait to die and as said above, won't do anything to prevent my natural death. 

"I have no idea if this makes sense.  I only know that deep in my self I have no further need for this corporal body existence because it does nothing to give me "life"."

  • I died when she died, my life here is over.  The kids and grands will lose me someday.  When doesn't really matter.

  "I cannot enjoy anything here because he is not with me.  I've tried and when I play act and pretend to get excited, or feign happiness I get mad at myself because I know its all a lie.  Then I want to cry because I know I am not being truthful to myself or others."

  • I can't either and don't try or pretend except interacting a little with the grands as they don't understand.  Be truthful.  If someone who knows what happened and asks how I'm doing, I just say "waiting to die".  They don't ask that question again.

I'm tired of having to do everything that means nothing.

  • Just focus on he who is waiting for you.  Make everything you do about him.  She did not want to die.  She wanted to stay and live our happy life with me.  Most of my suffering revolves around knowing that.  Today, I printed out pictures of her.  Have about 60 framed already.  Are they all placed around the house? No, I rotate about 10 of them every week.  I have up to 700 pics on the computer of her that I put on usb and have them playing all day on a TV.  Talk to him all day.  I talk to her all day.  This is my life now even though it sucks.  It's all I can do.  I don't even try to cope with this life anymore. The time will come.  Babbling now so I'll close but please try to have faith.   Love, Joe 
Comment by joe kelly on December 13, 2018 at 6:12pm

Joe,

"I read your words and it brings me to my knees." 

  • I keep asking God to let me go many times a day.  I tell Him/Her/It that I will never relent until my prayer is answered.  I ask my love to keep asking too and have mercy on us and bring us together soon where we belong, together, where ever.

"I so want to join my husband."

  • That's all I concentrate on.  Everything I do has to have something to do with her.  Even when I visit the kids and grands, or they vist me, they know mom and mema is there.  They believe in my OBE and there are three medical professionals in the family.  When I discussed my OBE with my D who is an OR nurse, I once mentioned that "yeah, but I didn't die, die."  She said "Yeah, but while you were looking down on yourself, you don't know if you were breathing and your heart was beating either".  She's seen many people die, die.  I have a daughter who is a NECU nurse who saw babies who shouldn't had survived, survive.  My DIL is a PA and none of them doubt that what happened to me happened.  My son, a lawyer, tells his two boys that mema is with us, watching us.  They don't doubt that my OBE happened.  They know I want to die and believe it or not, they are rooting for me.  I tell them when I die, you guys celebrate and be happy for your mother and I.  I had promised them that I wouldn't commit suicide because of my fear of God not reuniting us, and it leaves a stigma on the family .  My OR girl says she's praying for me to go.  When My wife first died, she said that none of them would blame me if I did suicide.  They saw how in love we were all our lives and that we two were one and came first to each other.  They are all better for experiencing that.  My OR nurse is also my HCA and will make sure my wishes are enforced no matter what.  I might add that while I will not harm myself, I also won't do anything to keep myself from going naturally either.  No doctors anymore (cept my foot doctor for ingrown toe nails).  No 911 calls for any type of pain, no matter how severe.  I had previously mentioned that I wea tags and carry copies of my legal docs when I leave the house.  If I were to get injured or collapse on the street, my lawyer says with the way my docs are drawn up, they wouldn't touch me.  They basically say if you do, you go to jail.

 

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 13, 2018 at 2:11pm

Thanks Bluebird for nice comment about my Julian. He was so caring and was my rock. Being with him for 24/7 for 13 years of our retirement was bliss, I thank God for this time together. 

Morgan & Joe I keep believing there is eternal love after death. When I take my last breath my thoughts will be only of him. 

Comment by morgan on December 13, 2018 at 1:09pm

Joe,

I read your words and it brings me to my knees.  I so want to join my husband.  As the years are passing I feel the need more and more.  I am not sure I understand totally how your OBE has given you more faith that somehow we will be reunited but I hope it will be so because the pain of not knowing here on earth is crushing me.  

I try to convince myself that he is "waiting" for me but then because we don't know what place we inhabit when we die (other than what you reference as blissful and at peace)  I have a problem tying that bliss to having the kind of visceral need for him that I have now.  What it does is making me more and more anxious to leave here.  

Am I suicidal?  I wouldnt call it that.  Its not that I cant stand life, its that I am anxious to die.  I can't have my husband here ever again and because it is the only thing I think about day in and out I simply find it more advantageous to die.  

I have no idea if this makes sense.  I only know that deep in my self I have no further need for this corporal body existence because it does nothing to give me "life".  I cannot enjoy anything here because he is not with me.  I've tried and when I play act and pretend to get excited, or feign happiness I get mad at myself because I know its all a lie.  Then I want to cry because I know I am not being truthful to myself or others.

I'm tired of having to do everything that means nothing.  

Comment by bluebird on December 13, 2018 at 10:26am
Linda,
Your Julian looks like such a nice man in that photo; what a lovely smile!

Joe,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope you are right.
 

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Monty commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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"Dear morgan, I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today (January 21st) on the seventh anniversary of the passing of the love of your life. I know that “life” as we live it now after the death of our beloved spouse is worth…"
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Super blood wolf moon - lunar eclipse happening now

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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"This website is like a secret world we inhabit where the platitudes and scorn for not fitting in are understood as hogwash.  We know better than anyone on the outside of our grief how this has affected us.  I am so tired of being labeled…"
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Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lovely pictures everyone.   Thank you for sharing.   I am in the same boat.  I just exist.   "
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I,m grateful that I found this site.  It's sort of like besides my family, you all are the only friends I have left.  I do have a couple that are long distance, but don't get to see them very often.  All my so called local…"
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Here's one of our permanent bed with names blocked out."
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, We went on that same excursion off a cruise in 2003.  Here is a pic that was taken on the ship when we renewed our vows at a ceremony performed by the Captain."
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