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Lost My Spouse...

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Latest Activity: Jul 7

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Monty on December 12, 2018 at 3:47am

thanks M Adams for the link.

it was interesting to see the definition in clear english.

I feel that i fall somewhere in the middle between.

 

Comment by M Adams on December 11, 2018 at 7:30pm

Some recent comments and queries on here about complicated grief got me looking around the other areas of onlinegriefsupport.com, where I did eventually spot a relevant link...turned out that the link needed updating, but the content was still available.


https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/~...

A couple of counsellor types over the last few years have said that I'm in the complicated grief group —thought I more or less understood what they meant, so it was quite surprising to read this, which describes something almost opposite to what I thought of as "complicated grief." Does seem, as has been mentioned on this site and as this article also indicates, that it is not at all a precisely used term, so guess it’s best not to worry about nomenclature.

For me, I know that I'm not coping the way my husband, and now my mother, would expect, but I am still trying. My tendency these days, coming up on the third Christmas without my husband, and now without my mother as well, is to go back and forth between accepting myself and pushing myself. I've had lots of chances recently to see how differently people grieve, and find it's really important to consciously acknowledge that. I miss my husband so much, in so many ways, and still feel somehow stunned that now my mother is also gone.  Part of me just wants to do nothing, see no one, especially in terms of Christmas — and because that’s how I feel, it is hard for me to interact with all the people in my life who are keen to distract themselves ...with parties, concerts, whatever.  It’s not that I want to be the annoying downer spoiling everyone’s enjoyment, in fact I find that aspect really embarrassing — it’s just that I don’t get how they can bear it, just weeks or months after losing someone so beloved.  Really I’m indulging myself by avoiding a lot of social interactions.  Basically, people are so different — we can't see what's inside other people's hearts or why they do and say the (sometimes awful) things they say and do.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 3, 2018 at 3:30pm

Hi Joe

You still have a wedding anniversary. Just because she is in Heaven and you are on Earth you still celebrate it together. That is the way I think when I celebrate any key event that happened in our lives. The attached poem is why I believe.

Comment by Monty on December 3, 2018 at 3:17pm

Hey Joe.

so sorry to hear of your over whelming sadness and longing to be back with her.

i hope you day gets better.

kindest thoughts and wishes

regards Monty

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 3, 2018 at 6:13am

Morgan,

Now that almost 6 years have passed from losing my Beloved, Husband, Julian, I find myself not one bit better. Like you I have tried everything to go on this world. Each year finds me worse. I find that living in isolation with my sweet dog Babie J and just doing what I have to do, suits me the best. I have accepted that I will not get better. I know that I have posted a picture of this quote before but it helps me to face each day. Thank You for all the posts you share as it makes feel that there is another person who is going through what I am.

Comment by Monty on December 2, 2018 at 4:31pm

Hi Morgan

so sorry to hear that your having such a bad time of it.

have you tried writing a journal (not necessarily of your emotions) but what your doing.

you may find upon reflection that there is something thats happening / hearing / smelling that is triggering emotions.

hope you have the best day possible

thoughts and wishes to all

regards Monty

Comment by morgan on December 2, 2018 at 4:26pm

Having a really tough time right now........really really tough.  I don't know how to move beyond the waves of intense visceral emotion I am having.  I have tried everything......TV, computer, reading, writing, remodeling, shopping, being creative, friends, family, medicine, etc......all that is happening is that I am feeling him and then all I do is have these horrible crying episodes.......it just hurts.......today for whatever reason has been worse.  I always try to figure out why.  Today I needed to just sit and pay bills and I am not out moving around  doing things.  Thing is, I don't know what it is that makes it better or worse.  Guess that is another part of widows brain......then I come here to remind myself that I am not alone in feeling what I am going through.  Thanks to each of you who are honest about your feelings I am able to relate and then I try to analyze how to better what my condition is.  

All I want to do to get through what days I have to live is to isolate myself from everything and just sit and die.  I have been working for almost six years (god, that sounds like such a long time)  to get to the point where I have enough money coming in to pay my bills so I can isolate.  I am almost there.  But the pain of missing him just looms larger.  

Why wont the universe let me go?

Comment by bluebird on December 2, 2018 at 12:05pm
Linda,
I'm sorry you're dealing with this too, though not surprised -- I think it's fairly common.

M Adams,
I'm sorry you are having to suffer through the deaths of two people so close to you. Makes sense to me that even though you were "recovering" somewhat, the second death caused a relapse of those symptoms.
As for writing, I write very, very little. Right after my husband died I felt compelled to write, a rush of raw poems, and even then I felt that that would likely be it, the last I wrote. I was pretty much correct. It's been six years since he died, and maybe three or four times since then have I felt the urge to write and then done so, and even with those poems they are still in first-draft form, I never revised them. It just doesn't matter to me, nothing does.
Comment by Nancy on December 2, 2018 at 12:01pm

Widow brain is real. Factual.  Many good articles on it.  I am better than I was but not where I was before he got sick.  I thought after he passed I was getting Dementia until my physician pointed me to articles on widow brain.   

Comment by M Adams on December 2, 2018 at 11:55am

At this point I can tell that my brain had recovered to some extent from the worst impact of my husband's death two years ago, because many of the symptoms that (sometimes unnoticed) had begun to ease off, bit by bit, returned in full force when my beloved mother died very suddenly in September of this year -- guess it is a positive sign that lack of focus, bad memory, difficulty reading, inability to write, general disinterest, fearfulness, passivity, etc., are not necessarily permanent. Though I hadn't made great progress either, unfortunately.  Now, two months after losing my mother, I think the worst of the returned symptoms are already lessening a little; I can read a magazine article with some attention, for example.   My goal is still to get back to a more normal level of function -- somewhat haunted by the awareness that my husband and my mother, who both loved me so much, would be shocked at my current state.

Bluebird do you find that you're able to write now?  Apart from grocery lists and so on.  

 

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Nancy is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
G B is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Saturday
Dennis C. replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. The journey of caregiving is extremely difficult. The loss of our especially loved dear ones is unspeakable. There are so many different ideas about what happens to us when we die. Religion teaches many different…"
Friday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I just feel like I am in a fog.  I have a little dog that is at least ten years old.  She adored my Mom & she has really grieved for her.  I know how you feel about your dog.  I worry about her.  She is all I have. …"
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too Brett, I sit here an look at my 12 year old Labrador and I know he is on borrowed time, and my heart breaks, losing him will be something that I am not looking forward to. As you said Brett, we have the live our lives until we are called…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Yes, I was looking at something that popped up on my Yahoo news feed. It was an article naming 106 celebrities who have passed away in 2019. So many names and faces that I remembered. Now they are gone, and they aren't coming back. Their time…"
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett so true she was my security blanket I feel like I have no one to lean on that understood me like her You know what keeps coming in my mind. How true it is and scary that everything has a beginning and an end."
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hear it all the time you don’t know how lucky you were that your mother wasn’t sick and you didn’t have to take care of her I say to them lucky I was lucky that my mother died and I was not right by her side to tell her I love…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"M, the problem is that our security blankets were ripped away. Like you, sometimes I am glad to be sad. I feel like I am closer to my mom when I am crying. At least, her memory is fresher with me when I am in that zone. I feel like the hard reality…"
Jul 16
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, millions, billions of people have lost their moms. Sometimes someone will tell me that they have lost their mom, too, but they were able to deal with it, and they wonder why I haven't dealt with it as well. This may sound like an…"
Jul 16
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too ...I was sitting marking a paper yesterday and suddenly realized that I can’t see or talk to my mother about this or anything else and the tears came.  But I’m glad to think of her, in a way I can be glad to be sad sometimes.…"
Jul 16
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I sometimes will just be sitting down and I start to cry because I keep thinking I miss my mom so much my whole world is just not the same I think that I’ve become a different person it will be four years and I still cry I can’t put into…"
Jul 16
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Definitely a colder world now.  I like the image of the security blanket — like, as we go forward, we will always keep it but eventually may be able to wash it, fold it nicely, and put it in some place of honour close at hand but without…"
Jul 16
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"The world just became a colder place when my mom died. I just remember feeling like all was right with the world when my mom was in the next room. "
Jul 16
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is such a traumatic event, especially when you have had a wonderful Mom.  It is so hard knowing she is gone.  Knowing this is permanent.  There is no one that can fill the void she left.  My brother was close to Mom, but he…"
Jul 16
Cherie is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Jul 15
Amy replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"I am not a believer and nor was he. We covered the bases just incase though. We were both raised Catholic. That is all besides the point though. "
Jul 15
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"While I never forget that my mom is gone, for some reason it just hits me over the head sometimes. Just out of the blue I'll be like, "Mom is gone." It's horrible. It's ever present. And the thing is that it is always with…"
Jul 15
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My Mom also.  I could always talk to her about anything & knew she was someone I could totally trust.  I am constantly thinking of something I want to share with her & then I remember she is gone.  I loved spending time with…"
Jul 15
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There is no doubt that it is anxiety. In fact, I think we are experiencing fight or flight. Since birth my mom had been my security blanket."
Jul 15

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