Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Monty on December 12, 2018 at 3:47am

thanks M Adams for the link.

it was interesting to see the definition in clear english.

I feel that i fall somewhere in the middle between.


Comment by M Adams on December 11, 2018 at 7:30pm

Some recent comments and queries on here about complicated grief got me looking around the other areas of, where I did eventually spot a relevant link...turned out that the link needed updating, but the content was still available.

A couple of counsellor types over the last few years have said that I'm in the complicated grief group —thought I more or less understood what they meant, so it was quite surprising to read this, which describes something almost opposite to what I thought of as "complicated grief." Does seem, as has been mentioned on this site and as this article also indicates, that it is not at all a precisely used term, so guess it’s best not to worry about nomenclature.

For me, I know that I'm not coping the way my husband, and now my mother, would expect, but I am still trying. My tendency these days, coming up on the third Christmas without my husband, and now without my mother as well, is to go back and forth between accepting myself and pushing myself. I've had lots of chances recently to see how differently people grieve, and find it's really important to consciously acknowledge that. I miss my husband so much, in so many ways, and still feel somehow stunned that now my mother is also gone.  Part of me just wants to do nothing, see no one, especially in terms of Christmas — and because that’s how I feel, it is hard for me to interact with all the people in my life who are keen to distract themselves ...with parties, concerts, whatever.  It’s not that I want to be the annoying downer spoiling everyone’s enjoyment, in fact I find that aspect really embarrassing — it’s just that I don’t get how they can bear it, just weeks or months after losing someone so beloved.  Really I’m indulging myself by avoiding a lot of social interactions.  Basically, people are so different — we can't see what's inside other people's hearts or why they do and say the (sometimes awful) things they say and do.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 3, 2018 at 3:30pm

Hi Joe

You still have a wedding anniversary. Just because she is in Heaven and you are on Earth you still celebrate it together. That is the way I think when I celebrate any key event that happened in our lives. The attached poem is why I believe.

Comment by Monty on December 3, 2018 at 3:17pm

Hey Joe.

so sorry to hear of your over whelming sadness and longing to be back with her.

i hope you day gets better.

kindest thoughts and wishes

regards Monty

Comment by joe kelly on December 3, 2018 at 1:56pm

Today is our 49th wedding anniversary.  I woke up and wished her happy anniversary.  I day dreamed this morning that I might die and go to her today because of a dream I had night before last.  She had to ask someone for permission for us to go to a particular room.  It was very vague but this morning I thought that maybe she had to ask God if I could come so that started my day dream.  I had planned to decorate our headstone and her parents stone next to ours.  I did that and then sat for two hours hoping that somehow my heart would stop beating.  I guess if my dream meant anything, God said no because here I am back at home, or I should say Hell, without her.  Last year we spent TG, our 48th, Christmas, & NY knowing it would be our last here on earth.  

I know she's waiting for me.  All last Spring, the guys at the cemetery had trouble growing grass over her.  They tried reseeding twice and no good on her side.  I have a double plot and buried my father in it back in 1990.  She's down next to him, I'll be on top of her.  In September, the guys put new dirt and reseeded the entire plot.  My father's side has nice dark green grass, but her side and it's looks rectangular the size and where her casket would be, has patchy, light light green grass that doen't look like it's going to take.  I keep saying to her, "you're not going to let that grass grow till I'm there with, right?".  Kind of hoping that means I'll be there before this Spring when they try to reseed the area again.

I can't even think straight enough to write anymore but feel sad for all of you knowing you feel the same as me but to each of us the pain is worse than anyone else's.  If that makes any sense.

Let's all just pray for each other to get where ever they are.

love to all,



Comment by Linda Engberg on December 3, 2018 at 6:13am


Now that almost 6 years have passed from losing my Beloved, Husband, Julian, I find myself not one bit better. Like you I have tried everything to go on this world. Each year finds me worse. I find that living in isolation with my sweet dog Babie J and just doing what I have to do, suits me the best. I have accepted that I will not get better. I know that I have posted a picture of this quote before but it helps me to face each day. Thank You for all the posts you share as it makes feel that there is another person who is going through what I am.

Comment by Monty on December 2, 2018 at 4:31pm

Hi Morgan

so sorry to hear that your having such a bad time of it.

have you tried writing a journal (not necessarily of your emotions) but what your doing.

you may find upon reflection that there is something thats happening / hearing / smelling that is triggering emotions.

hope you have the best day possible

thoughts and wishes to all

regards Monty

Comment by morgan on December 2, 2018 at 4:26pm

Having a really tough time right now........really really tough.  I don't know how to move beyond the waves of intense visceral emotion I am having.  I have tried everything......TV, computer, reading, writing, remodeling, shopping, being creative, friends, family, medicine, etc......all that is happening is that I am feeling him and then all I do is have these horrible crying just for whatever reason has been worse.  I always try to figure out why.  Today I needed to just sit and pay bills and I am not out moving around  doing things.  Thing is, I don't know what it is that makes it better or worse.  Guess that is another part of widows brain......then I come here to remind myself that I am not alone in feeling what I am going through.  Thanks to each of you who are honest about your feelings I am able to relate and then I try to analyze how to better what my condition is.  

All I want to do to get through what days I have to live is to isolate myself from everything and just sit and die.  I have been working for almost six years (god, that sounds like such a long time)  to get to the point where I have enough money coming in to pay my bills so I can isolate.  I am almost there.  But the pain of missing him just looms larger.  

Why wont the universe let me go?

Comment by bluebird on December 2, 2018 at 12:05pm
I'm sorry you're dealing with this too, though not surprised -- I think it's fairly common.

M Adams,
I'm sorry you are having to suffer through the deaths of two people so close to you. Makes sense to me that even though you were "recovering" somewhat, the second death caused a relapse of those symptoms.
As for writing, I write very, very little. Right after my husband died I felt compelled to write, a rush of raw poems, and even then I felt that that would likely be it, the last I wrote. I was pretty much correct. It's been six years since he died, and maybe three or four times since then have I felt the urge to write and then done so, and even with those poems they are still in first-draft form, I never revised them. It just doesn't matter to me, nothing does.
Comment by Nancy on December 2, 2018 at 12:01pm

Widow brain is real. Factual.  Many good articles on it.  I am better than I was but not where I was before he got sick.  I thought after he passed I was getting Dementia until my physician pointed me to articles on widow brain.   


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Addie commented on Cathy Richardson's group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
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Being the Other Woman/Other Man

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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, Thanks for your encouraging words."
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, What you say here about your day sounds like my miserable daily schedule: "My schedule is pretty much go to the bedroom between 1 to 4am and most often I sleep until 11 or noon.  And if I have to get up quickly I find I end up…"
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, This is awesome! How inspiring that you run marathons to honor your beloved husband and soulmate Julian at age 65! "
Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, That is quite an accomplishment! My husband was my running partner and we did a lot of charity runs together. My last run was 2 months after he died and dedicated the run to him. Since then I have tried running alone but it was too…"
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"WOW, that's great! "
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi All, This is now I cope with the loss of MY BELOVED HUSBAND AND SOULMATE JULIAN. I run marathons in his honor, it keeps me going. I ran 26.2 miles in his memory at 65."
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm in a constant state of paralysis.  I seem only to be able to do things when I know I have to.  Simple things go undone.  Dust builds up on my bedroom furniture.  I look at it and say to myself, I should dust.  But…"
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I am finding it so hard to keep motivated.  I have tons I need to do to keep afloat and try to honor the legacy of my husband and yet all I seem able to do is push myself, force myself.......constantly. Its the putting on the mask and…"

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