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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on November 28, 2018 at 7:20am

Morgan,

Thank you for giving me your input on the issue with my niece. Now I understand that my grief does not fall into the complicated grief group, as there will never be a new me. I was diagnosed by my doctor and psychiatrist with this type of grief and that is the way I accepted my grief but they were wrong. As time goes by, I find myself drawing myself into isolation. It's just better for me this way. I have accepted that each year my grief will get worse instead of better. I also read your posts to Monty & Joe which opened my eyes to other issues. Again thanks so much for all your posts.

Regards, Linda  

Comment by morgan on November 28, 2018 at 12:40am

Joe,
Me too. I have no desire to be fixed. In fact, I crave crossing to the other side. I listen to videos that make my mind go deep into what “might be” possible, from physics, quantam mechanics and entanglement, to the search for consciousness outside of the mind, IONS, ( the list is long, I have them all bookmarked) so I might ask myself whether living is an absolute necessity. I want to pass through to the other side. I can find many ways to rationalize it. But I’ve always been a naturalist and I guess I keep thinking the universe has got to take me in its own way. So much of the time though it is a fight to not give in. Its pretty easy to understand suicide now.
After this long though I find my sympathetic nervous system is reducing my immune system to a very fragile condition. I had a very strong healthy baseline so degredation is taking time but it seems to be making headway slowly so I can hope that my time is limited.
Never wanted to die ever before but now, now…..its really a practical, pragmatic solution to this pain of loss. I just don’t need to pretend I care. Let everyone have at it……I'm over it.
morgan

Comment by morgan on November 28, 2018 at 12:23am

Monty,
Thanks for the links……I found the one from Barbara Fane the most pertinent to how I feel after five years 10 months. Alot of the “early” characteristics she describes are still with me years later. I can honestly say that it took me a good four plus years to even feel any sense of reality. This fifth year has been a lot of reflecting on what the other four years were like and without further perspective (more years living this loss) I think I’m not destined to “get better”. I have to accept that this is probably as good as it is going to get and its not great.

“thick soup”….oh yes, constant conflict too……..a war raging in my head. I had a very good job requiring my attention to details and focus. I knew the day of his death I would never be able to continue. Took me six months to train someone to do my job and I never looked back. Like you said, I saw the struggle ahead of me when before I could manage it all very well but no longer. I knew what bomb went off in my head and its never returned to normal.

I’m sorry you will be coming upon the anniversary of your wifes death. I too need to make it through as my husbands terminal cancer was diagnosed on the day after Xmas and we had to wait to hear that after being in the hospital starting Xmas Eve day because all the doctors were busy celebrating. I longer celebrate from when my husband would have cooked our Thanksgivng turkey until his death on Jan 21 just beyond my birthday on the 14th. No, this time of year I just crawl into my hole and try to avoid everything and everybody. Its just easier on everyone else that way. I may or may not emerge in February. Each year it almost seems to get harder not easier to fight the blues while everyone else is wishing on stars. Just find myself withdrawing more and more even during the year. Just tired of keeping up the pretense.

I too can hope all of us have the best day we can.
morgan

Comment by morgan on November 27, 2018 at 11:58pm

Linda,

I am more apt to not try to put a label on what we suffer. I believe that loss begets grief and so the grief is scaled to how much loss we feel according to how we view our commitment. I have had different reactions to loss. I cried when my parents died but because they were older and they had brought us up to be independent I considered their loss as a natural occurrence. A sad one yes, but to be expected. I am eternally grateful for their love and support but the grief mellowed within months and I wnet on with living my life.

The two cats I’ve had and my attachment to them was almost more traumatic. One because of the way it died (sad story) and the other because it was more my husbands cat than mine so when it died two years after him it was another connection lost.

But the loss of my husband. The man who laid down beside me for 35 years. The man who embraced me every night and spent his every moment wanting me (and me him). To lose this visceral tangible feeling has destroyed me. It isn’t complicated for me. Its only complicated for those who don’t know how to handle the new me. For me its very simple. I have no plans to try and convince anyone of the horror of losing my husband. Its impossible to explain it, put a tag on it, find a solution for it. Right now I have to live with it unless I decide not to. That’s not complicated, that’s my life as of now.

Your niece is probably trying to find a way to explain how her loss compares to others in the hopes she will find some way to cope. We all have to. If her marriage was not close she might be feeling that she lost the kind of time you and Julian had. I know for me, that no one can know how I suffer because they don’t know enough about the depth of my love.
I just wish us all less pain while we still have to live life without the person who made it worth living.
morgan

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 27, 2018 at 7:48am

Thanks for sharing Joe & Monty. My Husband still lives in my mind and heart and he will forever until I join him. 

Comment by joe kelly on November 27, 2018 at 7:26am

In the first few months that my wife passed over to the other side, I did all kinds of research on grief, along with a few visits to a psychologist, and a bereavement group.  What I came to realize is that complicated grief is a term that they use to describe me.  I can't be fixed and quite honestly, don't want to be.  All I want is to be reunited with her and I'm never letting that go.  To me, their underlying goal is to somehow get over her in a sense, and move on to a new enjoyable, happy life.  That won't happen with me because as I said, I just want to be where she is and adore her for all eternity.  That's why I won't bother with any kind of "getting help".  What they don't know is that there are, I'll bet, many times more of people like me, not wanting help, than those they see and "diagnose" as having complicated grief.  I'll never give up on her as I'm sure she's never giving up on me.  We were, are, and will eternally be ONE.

   

Comment by Monty on November 26, 2018 at 7:55pm

Thanks M Adams.

Im glad that you found some of it helpful 

Comment by M Adams on November 26, 2018 at 7:03pm

Monty, those sites are very helpful, thank you for posting them.  The thing about dark thoughts and grief-laden memories flooding in as you try to fall asleep, while the rational parts of your mind power down, is unfortunately an exact description of my current situation. Think I'm going to try some of the strategies mentioned tonight -- these days I need all the help I can get.

Comment by Monty on November 26, 2018 at 4:42pm

sorry re double post.

Comment by Monty on November 26, 2018 at 4:41pm

Hi Linda

Im sorry to hear about your niece and her loss

  My thoughts on the issue of grief is likely cute different than others, as every ones grief is a very personal process to journey though.

  I would surest that the culmination of her relationship with her partner, family and the situation leading to the death of her husband coupled with her personality and values would be the deciding factor on how GREIF affects her.

  I would i think approaching the her with the same open caring and non judgmental attitude i approach this form and (try in real life with for me is harder). 

  Grief is different for every one as every one is different.

I know its not a direct answer

but its the only one i have.

 

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Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Monty, I m sure everyone on our forum had a very bad day. I just kept myself very busy all. Since I live in Florida and it is in the 70's I worked outside all day long. I feel Julian is with when I am outside. He knew I just loved the outdoors…"
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Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, It is so true, my Julian and I celebrated everyday of our life together like you an Joseph. We were Blessed."
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Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, thank you for the post. The words ring very true. Today is Valentine’s Day, but fortunately for me, Joseph and I didn’t always celebrate on this day. We didn’t feel that we had to show our love and devotion on a specific day…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thanks everyone. I was upset that we couldn't share our posts, now I am fine. Thanks"
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"Gotta go will post soon. "
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I think thats what she meant anyway."
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"she posted an answer in Blog.  We're ok as long as we don't check that box and sign into twitter.  Only those who do have their posts appear there."
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Monty commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"did  a quick search for  "No Idea Joe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and Twitter. I didn't find anything maybe that it has the ability to share via twitter. and may not be shared by default. maybe we should try and contact the…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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