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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on December 2, 2018 at 7:16am

Hi Bluebird,

I have the same issue you have. I do not function properly. My mind wanders all the time, I must have "widows grief too.

Thanks for sharing, Linda

Comment by bluebird on December 2, 2018 at 2:05am

Monty,

Thanks for posting links to those articles. My brain absolutely does not work as well as it used to; it hasn't worked properly since my husband died. I was/am quite intelligent -- not a genius, to be sure, but definitely bright. I am a poet, I have an MFA, I speak conversational French, I used to work (for over 8 years) as a paralegal in immigration law. 

And none of that matters one goddamned bit, now. It doesn't matter because nothing matters since my husband died, but also it doesn't matter because I really can't access my intelligence the way I used to, I can't utilize it. I simply cannot function properly. I have no focus, no attention span, no ability to handle complex tasks. I've always had a poor short-term memory, and it's gotten exponentially worse since my husband died. I could never do the work, now, that I used to do as a paralegal. I've heard all this referred to as "widow's brain", and it certainly is in my case.

Comment by Denise Lavoie on November 28, 2018 at 8:29am
I understand what you mean.life is not black or white so grief is not black or white.I can't imagin long term life without him.That is why I can't go no more one minute at a time.It is 31 months since I saw my husband.This holiday seaon is very hard for me.I miss him so much.
Comment by Linda Engberg on November 28, 2018 at 7:20am

Morgan,

Thank you for giving me your input on the issue with my niece. Now I understand that my grief does not fall into the complicated grief group, as there will never be a new me. I was diagnosed by my doctor and psychiatrist with this type of grief and that is the way I accepted my grief but they were wrong. As time goes by, I find myself drawing myself into isolation. It's just better for me this way. I have accepted that each year my grief will get worse instead of better. I also read your posts to Monty & Joe which opened my eyes to other issues. Again thanks so much for all your posts.

Regards, Linda  

Comment by morgan on November 28, 2018 at 12:40am

Joe,
Me too. I have no desire to be fixed. In fact, I crave crossing to the other side. I listen to videos that make my mind go deep into what “might be” possible, from physics, quantam mechanics and entanglement, to the search for consciousness outside of the mind, IONS, ( the list is long, I have them all bookmarked) so I might ask myself whether living is an absolute necessity. I want to pass through to the other side. I can find many ways to rationalize it. But I’ve always been a naturalist and I guess I keep thinking the universe has got to take me in its own way. So much of the time though it is a fight to not give in. Its pretty easy to understand suicide now.
After this long though I find my sympathetic nervous system is reducing my immune system to a very fragile condition. I had a very strong healthy baseline so degredation is taking time but it seems to be making headway slowly so I can hope that my time is limited.
Never wanted to die ever before but now, now…..its really a practical, pragmatic solution to this pain of loss. I just don’t need to pretend I care. Let everyone have at it……I'm over it.
morgan

Comment by morgan on November 28, 2018 at 12:23am

Monty,
Thanks for the links……I found the one from Barbara Fane the most pertinent to how I feel after five years 10 months. Alot of the “early” characteristics she describes are still with me years later. I can honestly say that it took me a good four plus years to even feel any sense of reality. This fifth year has been a lot of reflecting on what the other four years were like and without further perspective (more years living this loss) I think I’m not destined to “get better”. I have to accept that this is probably as good as it is going to get and its not great.

“thick soup”….oh yes, constant conflict too……..a war raging in my head. I had a very good job requiring my attention to details and focus. I knew the day of his death I would never be able to continue. Took me six months to train someone to do my job and I never looked back. Like you said, I saw the struggle ahead of me when before I could manage it all very well but no longer. I knew what bomb went off in my head and its never returned to normal.

I’m sorry you will be coming upon the anniversary of your wifes death. I too need to make it through as my husbands terminal cancer was diagnosed on the day after Xmas and we had to wait to hear that after being in the hospital starting Xmas Eve day because all the doctors were busy celebrating. I longer celebrate from when my husband would have cooked our Thanksgivng turkey until his death on Jan 21 just beyond my birthday on the 14th. No, this time of year I just crawl into my hole and try to avoid everything and everybody. Its just easier on everyone else that way. I may or may not emerge in February. Each year it almost seems to get harder not easier to fight the blues while everyone else is wishing on stars. Just find myself withdrawing more and more even during the year. Just tired of keeping up the pretense.

I too can hope all of us have the best day we can.
morgan

Comment by morgan on November 27, 2018 at 11:58pm

Linda,

I am more apt to not try to put a label on what we suffer. I believe that loss begets grief and so the grief is scaled to how much loss we feel according to how we view our commitment. I have had different reactions to loss. I cried when my parents died but because they were older and they had brought us up to be independent I considered their loss as a natural occurrence. A sad one yes, but to be expected. I am eternally grateful for their love and support but the grief mellowed within months and I wnet on with living my life.

The two cats I’ve had and my attachment to them was almost more traumatic. One because of the way it died (sad story) and the other because it was more my husbands cat than mine so when it died two years after him it was another connection lost.

But the loss of my husband. The man who laid down beside me for 35 years. The man who embraced me every night and spent his every moment wanting me (and me him). To lose this visceral tangible feeling has destroyed me. It isn’t complicated for me. Its only complicated for those who don’t know how to handle the new me. For me its very simple. I have no plans to try and convince anyone of the horror of losing my husband. Its impossible to explain it, put a tag on it, find a solution for it. Right now I have to live with it unless I decide not to. That’s not complicated, that’s my life as of now.

Your niece is probably trying to find a way to explain how her loss compares to others in the hopes she will find some way to cope. We all have to. If her marriage was not close she might be feeling that she lost the kind of time you and Julian had. I know for me, that no one can know how I suffer because they don’t know enough about the depth of my love.
I just wish us all less pain while we still have to live life without the person who made it worth living.
morgan

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 27, 2018 at 7:48am

Thanks for sharing Joe & Monty. My Husband still lives in my mind and heart and he will forever until I join him. 

Comment by Monty on November 26, 2018 at 7:55pm

Thanks M Adams.

Im glad that you found some of it helpful 

Comment by M Adams on November 26, 2018 at 7:03pm

Monty, those sites are very helpful, thank you for posting them.  The thing about dark thoughts and grief-laden memories flooding in as you try to fall asleep, while the rational parts of your mind power down, is unfortunately an exact description of my current situation. Think I'm going to try some of the strategies mentioned tonight -- these days I need all the help I can get.

 

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Nancy is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
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G B is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Saturday
Dennis C. replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. The journey of caregiving is extremely difficult. The loss of our especially loved dear ones is unspeakable. There are so many different ideas about what happens to us when we die. Religion teaches many different…"
Friday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I just feel like I am in a fog.  I have a little dog that is at least ten years old.  She adored my Mom & she has really grieved for her.  I know how you feel about your dog.  I worry about her.  She is all I have. …"
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too Brett, I sit here an look at my 12 year old Labrador and I know he is on borrowed time, and my heart breaks, losing him will be something that I am not looking forward to. As you said Brett, we have the live our lives until we are called…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Yes, I was looking at something that popped up on my Yahoo news feed. It was an article naming 106 celebrities who have passed away in 2019. So many names and faces that I remembered. Now they are gone, and they aren't coming back. Their time…"
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett so true she was my security blanket I feel like I have no one to lean on that understood me like her You know what keeps coming in my mind. How true it is and scary that everything has a beginning and an end."
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hear it all the time you don’t know how lucky you were that your mother wasn’t sick and you didn’t have to take care of her I say to them lucky I was lucky that my mother died and I was not right by her side to tell her I love…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"M, the problem is that our security blankets were ripped away. Like you, sometimes I am glad to be sad. I feel like I am closer to my mom when I am crying. At least, her memory is fresher with me when I am in that zone. I feel like the hard reality…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, millions, billions of people have lost their moms. Sometimes someone will tell me that they have lost their mom, too, but they were able to deal with it, and they wonder why I haven't dealt with it as well. This may sound like an…"
Wednesday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too ...I was sitting marking a paper yesterday and suddenly realized that I can’t see or talk to my mother about this or anything else and the tears came.  But I’m glad to think of her, in a way I can be glad to be sad sometimes.…"
Tuesday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I sometimes will just be sitting down and I start to cry because I keep thinking I miss my mom so much my whole world is just not the same I think that I’ve become a different person it will be four years and I still cry I can’t put into…"
Tuesday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Definitely a colder world now.  I like the image of the security blanket — like, as we go forward, we will always keep it but eventually may be able to wash it, fold it nicely, and put it in some place of honour close at hand but without…"
Tuesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"The world just became a colder place when my mom died. I just remember feeling like all was right with the world when my mom was in the next room. "
Jul 16
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is such a traumatic event, especially when you have had a wonderful Mom.  It is so hard knowing she is gone.  Knowing this is permanent.  There is no one that can fill the void she left.  My brother was close to Mom, but he…"
Jul 16
Cherie is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Jul 15
Amy replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"I am not a believer and nor was he. We covered the bases just incase though. We were both raised Catholic. That is all besides the point though. "
Jul 15
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"While I never forget that my mom is gone, for some reason it just hits me over the head sometimes. Just out of the blue I'll be like, "Mom is gone." It's horrible. It's ever present. And the thing is that it is always with…"
Jul 15
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My Mom also.  I could always talk to her about anything & knew she was someone I could totally trust.  I am constantly thinking of something I want to share with her & then I remember she is gone.  I loved spending time with…"
Jul 15
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There is no doubt that it is anxiety. In fact, I think we are experiencing fight or flight. Since birth my mom had been my security blanket."
Jul 15

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